People don’t understand

[goodoldnoname923]

My whole life i've always felt an inability to fit in…always felt left out…never enjoyed groups unless i lead them otherwise i felt like an afterthought

I always preferred one to one conversation though

I grew up in a small special needs school and there wasn't many opportunities to make friends really,most of which tended to be on the…"heavier" end of the spectrum shall we say…so there was little options for friends i could really make and most of the people that were on an able level were always different from me…scumbags basically i live in a pretty shitty area and being socially inept didn't help me at all

Contributing to that was my bully who constantly spoited shit and lies about me that weren't true and to this day idek what these lies were…he can't even remember but he made a difficult social life more difficult than it was

Naturally because of this most the friendships i ever have devulged from online but long distance relationships probably weren't the best for me…probably needed someone i could talk to more face to face or even over the phone which really wasn't common place when growing up nether were voice notes

But I didn't realise much of that at the time,commucating with poor social skills and dyslexia as well on top of always feeling reletively limited even to this day in text i just feel i cannot express myself as much as i could via voice but it's rare I'm given such an opportunity

But long distance and poor social skills weren't my only problem emotional difficulties were too…ones i still have today

They mainly started out as depressive episodes and clingy behaviour but over the years they got worse…i slowly started to develop rage episodes…from all the trauma pain and suffering i was dealing with….it was a defensive mechanism of sorts

Alot of people growing up mistreated me,called me ugly called me many names i'd rather not repeat invalidated my feelings and even questioned wether my depression was even real…people questioned how i felt…what my intentions were…questioned everything of me

Constantly demanded answers to questions i never knew the answers to…and i felt i had to know…over the years i spend alot of time analysing myself trying to figure out why i'm the way i am why i feel the way i do and why i do the things i do but any level of reflection goes out the window…

Balance is something I've always looked for but never found…someone who can understand but someone who will hold me accountable

I feel they are days i need to be understood and listened to while they are days i need to be held accountable…it's difficult for me…always has been…you make a mistake you do something wrong but you don't realise until it's too late…

People pretend or think they understand me but they dont…it doesn't matter how much I explain to people they never understand

I want to be understood but i need to start accepting that i never will

 

[Meaningless_guy]

My whole life i've always felt an inability to fit in…always felt left out…never enjoyed groups unless i lead them otherwise i felt like an afterthought

I always preferred one to one conversation though

I grew up in a small special needs school and there wasn't many opportunities to make friends really,most of which tended to be on the…"heavier" end of the spectrum shall we say…so there was little options for friends i could really make and most of the people that were on an able level were always different from me…scumbags basically i live in a pretty shitty area and being socially inept didn't help me at all

Contributing to that was my bully who constantly spoited shit and lies about me that weren't true and to this day idek what these lies were…he can't even remember but he made a difficult social life more difficult than it was

Naturally because of this most the friendships i ever have devulged from online but long distance relationships probably weren't the best for me…probably needed someone i could talk to more face to face or even over the phone which really wasn't common place when growing up nether were voice notes

But I didn't realise much of that at the time,commucating with poor social skills and dyslexia as well on top of always feeling reletively limited even to this day in text i just feel i cannot express myself as much as i could via voice but it's rare I'm given such an opportunity

But long distance and poor social skills weren't my only problem emotional difficulties were too…ones i still have today

They mainly started out as depressive episodes and clingy behaviour but over the years they got worse…i slowly started to develop rage episodes…from all the trauma pain and suffering i was dealing with….it was a defensive mechanism of sorts

Alot of people growing up mistreated me,called me ugly called me many names i'd rather not repeat invalidated my feelings and even questioned wether my depression was even real…people questioned how i felt…what my intentions were…questioned everything of me

Constantly demanded answers to questions i never knew the answers to…and i felt i had to know…over the years i spend alot of time analysing myself trying to figure out why i'm the way i am why i feel the way i do and why i do the things i do but any level of reflection goes out the window…

Balance is something I've always looked for but never found…someone who can understand but someone who will hold me accountable

I feel they are days i need to be understood and listened to while they are days i need to be held accountable…it's difficult for me…always has been…you make a mistake you do something wrong but you don't realise until it's too late…

People pretend or think they understand me but they dont…it doesn't matter how much I explain to people they never understand

I want to be understood but i need to start accepting that i never will

I can't say that I understand your situation 100%, but I can tell you that many of us here have gone through similar things, I myself also have problems with social communication, I have suffered bullying, i don't do well in groups and I have spent a lot of time trying to understand myself in vain. I want to make it clear that with this I am not trying to detract from your problems, what I want to tell you is that you are not alone in this, many people suffer and that is why we are all here, not all of us will be able to understand your suffering but we will be able to understand parts of it, and among all, give you the support you need.

We are not perfect, none of us, but our mistakes and problems make us strong and unite us with those who suffer similar things, that's the main reason we're here in the first place.

I don't know if my words will be of any use to you, I just wanted you to know that whatever your pain, we are all here for you.