Venting People Caring Too Much

[beforeyougo]

Tonight a family member said, "I'm going to be checking in twice a day. If you neglect to reply, I'll be on the road coming your way. I won't let you try again, you mean too much to me."

To which I replied, "Shit.."

It didn't end well, as you might expect from my response. I'm just honestly so ready to float among the stars, but everyone around me is filling the air with love, and care, and positivity, and strength, and it's starting to piss me off. I don't want your support, I want to die. I want this all to be over and done with so that I don't have to live with this pain anymore. It feels so foreign to be so negative and resistant when all people want is the best for you, are willing to fight for you, and would be destroyed by your death. Yet.. I'm emotionless and numb. I can't reciprocate their emotions and support. There's nothing good left to live for people, just let me go in peace.

//end.rant

 

[Lilacmoon]

Tonight a family member said, "I'm going to be checking in twice a day. If you neglect to reply, I'll be on the road coming your way. I won't let you try again, you mean too much to me."

To which I replied, "Shit.."

It didn't end well, as you might expect from my response. I'm just honestly so ready to float among the stars, but everyone around me is filling the air with love, and care, and positivity, and strength, and it's starting to piss me off. I don't want your support, I want to die. I want this all to be over and done with so that I don't have to live with this pain anymore. It feels so foreign to be so negative and resistant when all people want is the best for you, are willing to fight for you, and would be destroyed by your death. Yet.. I'm emotionless and numb. I can't reciprocate their emotions and support. There's nothing good left to live for people, just let me go in peace.

//end.rant

exactly. it's smothering. it's a trap, piling more guilt and more pain that you can't escape from. I wish no one cared for me. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anyone behind. i just want to go. i just want it to be over.

 

[beforeyougo]

exactly. it's smothering. it's a trap, piling more guilt and more pain that you can't escape from. I wish no one cared for me. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anyone behind. i just want to go. i just want it to be over.

We are one and the same. It honestly feels so weird not actually being depressed, but still knowing you need to catch the bus. I went from having SO much to live for, to having nothing overnight and I can't be open about it at all (which really sucks). So now I'm stuck in this infinite loop of "you can get through this, look at all the support" and "fuck, you need a gun, or SN, or some C4.."

I've never been scared of death, but the more I consider my bus route, I'm fearful of the things I won't be able to experience anymore. Like music, and dancing, and hot baths, and food. It will be such a relief to have all of this shit end, but it will also be really weird not being able to "experience" anymore.

 

[Lilacmoon]

We are one and the same. It honestly feels so weird not actually being depressed, but still knowing you need to catch the bus. I went from having SO much to live for, to having nothing overnight and I can't be open about it at all (which really sucks). So now I'm stuck in this infinite loop of "you can get through this, look at all the support" and "fuck, you need a gun, or SN, or some C4.."

I've never been scared of death, but the more I consider my bus route, I'm fearful of the things I won't be able to experience anymore. Like music, and dancing, and hot baths, and food. It will be such a relief to have all of this shit end, but it will also be really weird not being able to "experience" anymore.

the loop is one of the most gaslighting things I've ever had to deal with. it drives me insane in a bad way.

I do the same, actually. Every time, for about 24 hours before my attempts, I become super melancholic. I think about what I'll miss, what I won't have anymore. It's nice to know it isn't just me who does that. I'm not afraid of death, but I am going to be a little sad amidst the excitement to go.

 

[beforeyougo]

the loop is one of the most gaslighting things I've ever had to deal with. it drives me insane in a bad way.

I do the same, actually. Every time, for about 24 hours before my attempts, I become super melancholic. I think about what I'll miss, what I won't have anymore. It's nice to know it isn't just me who does that. I'm not afraid of death, but I am going to be a little sad amidst the excitement to go.

... yup. Fuck. It's ridiculous that I'm in this situation. Welp, back to researching my bus route. Not having much luck, but hopefully that will change :)

 

[Lilacmoon]

good luck <3 I'll miss you, we had nice times in the chat.

 

[beforeyougo]

good luck <3 I'll miss you, we had nice times in the chat.

Not leaving tonight, or likely in the next couple of days. I still haven't figure out my bus route xD All I have at my disposal right now is some rope. I'm concerned that it won't get the job done, and that would surely put me in a psych institute for a lengthy amount of time with my previous attempt being not even a month ago.

 

[Meditation guide]

In time maybe you will get fibromyalgia, a slipped disk, and several more debilitating and painful diseases where you can do absolutely nothing and the decision will seem easier.

 

[beforeyougo]

In time maybe you will get fibromyalgia, a slipped disk, and several more debilitating and painful diseases where you can do absolutely nothing and the decision will seem easier.

Sounds like a great plan to me.