SendAndDelete
New Member
- Jul 17, 2024
- 3
I've spent a long time teetering on the edge, lonely and alone, hurt or scared. The feeling of sunlight on my closed eyelids still feels alien, it's so pleasant compared to my natural state.
Way back when, as a very little girl, I was lonely. My parents were young and were not ready for the responsibility of two kids, they fell far apart in good time, always at each others throats.
I don't blame them for my upbringing, I genuinely don't think they could have done better, I was just born into this life, just as I have flaws, so do they and so 'did' they, they were still growing. They are different people now even from a couple of years ago.
My father lived away from most people so at his home, which he insists is also mine, I did not get to have friends over, even if they were willing to make the trip. Not even cousins could visit, he seemed ashamed of the state of his home. I did not see the problem.
There, I also had a small room and to avoid clutter I could not keep many toys there, or much of anything.
To be honest, I do not remember how I spent those days, he wanted me to play outside but I did not want to be alone and he did not want to play with me. So we were at an impasse.
My mother's house was different, I had a bigger room with a lot of toys and books but she never played with me either. I think I learned to settle early on, I learned it was better to be alone and in a daze than lonely and aware.
My father's hesitation to invite others into his home was something I learned, it made it hard to make friends, I couldn't play out alone at my mother's and it felt odd inviting others around.
I did not have a bad upbringing, I just couldn't break through and force myself not to be alone. Even now I only have a single friend. Because all relationships are hard, I learned that from my parents.
I had good opportunities, I was a smart kid and my parents worked hard but I don't think I ever fell into the right place and that makes me tired.
I'm always so tired. Through the good and the bad. Rain or sun, I can't wait until the day I crawl into bed, fall asleep with the sun shining through my window onto my face and never wake up again.
I am tired because I know I have it good but I'm sick of it all nonetheless, and I think that makes me a bad person. Not in a 'you should strive to be better' kind of way, but more in a 'I have a poor nature and I no longer feel guilty about it' way.
I can't wait for a long, long rest.
Way back when, as a very little girl, I was lonely. My parents were young and were not ready for the responsibility of two kids, they fell far apart in good time, always at each others throats.
I don't blame them for my upbringing, I genuinely don't think they could have done better, I was just born into this life, just as I have flaws, so do they and so 'did' they, they were still growing. They are different people now even from a couple of years ago.
My father lived away from most people so at his home, which he insists is also mine, I did not get to have friends over, even if they were willing to make the trip. Not even cousins could visit, he seemed ashamed of the state of his home. I did not see the problem.
There, I also had a small room and to avoid clutter I could not keep many toys there, or much of anything.
To be honest, I do not remember how I spent those days, he wanted me to play outside but I did not want to be alone and he did not want to play with me. So we were at an impasse.
My mother's house was different, I had a bigger room with a lot of toys and books but she never played with me either. I think I learned to settle early on, I learned it was better to be alone and in a daze than lonely and aware.
My father's hesitation to invite others into his home was something I learned, it made it hard to make friends, I couldn't play out alone at my mother's and it felt odd inviting others around.
I did not have a bad upbringing, I just couldn't break through and force myself not to be alone. Even now I only have a single friend. Because all relationships are hard, I learned that from my parents.
I had good opportunities, I was a smart kid and my parents worked hard but I don't think I ever fell into the right place and that makes me tired.
I'm always so tired. Through the good and the bad. Rain or sun, I can't wait until the day I crawl into bed, fall asleep with the sun shining through my window onto my face and never wake up again.
I am tired because I know I have it good but I'm sick of it all nonetheless, and I think that makes me a bad person. Not in a 'you should strive to be better' kind of way, but more in a 'I have a poor nature and I no longer feel guilty about it' way.
I can't wait for a long, long rest.
