Story Paying for cuddles, the continuous chase for cope

[foreverfalling]

I'm a bit embarrassed making this post, but where else can I share these things freely (and perhaps anonymously)? I've also seen some other posts on 'touch deprivation', so this post may interest other people in this situation to know the thoughts behind doing this, and some things that I have learnt.

Lately I've visited sex workers several times mainly to cuddle with them. It stemmed from the existential agony I was facing of having absolutely no meaning to my life, and a want to relieve the monotonous boredom. I am still obligated to live this life, but the mental suffering just keeps piling up. Youtube, video games, hobbies no longer work keep my attention, I needed something stronger, like going up the analgesic ladder.

I didn't even have intercourse with them. I'm deathly afraid of catching something, which may make my life even worse than it already is. In fact this was essentially the only reason stopping me from doing this earlier. However the agony I was experiencing pushed me over the edge. The agony of being trapped in this world was making me crazy. And if I was comfortable with the idea CTB, why not experience something before I die? The only other reason not doing this was the hope of living a normal life where I'd find some partner to share all these experiences only with, but that dream has gradually shattered in the face of reality, having resigned to eventual CTB.

Whilst worrying and putting my attention on the risk of infections, whether I was in control of the situation, whether I was being ripped off, I barely had enough focus to enjoy myself. Other people would throw their clothes off and do everything under the sun, either without thinking or knowingly understanding the risks and not letting it get to them. This over thinking and over worrying highlighted an aspect of the way I lived my life which made it unfulfilling. Perhaps if I wasn't so neurotic then I'd be more successful and fulfilled in other parts of life, and I wouldn't need to resort to doing this. To live life is to take risks, and to not think. I wonder if other neurotic people can relate to this?

Apart from that, the experiences were quite enjoyable. For an hour I'd be taken away from thinking about my life, engulfed in sensual feelings. I don't say sensual pleasures because at this point I don't even know what is pleasurable or not, it's just feelings and chemical reactions in my body. Being in the presence of someone basically giving you all their attention, and doing basically whatever you wanted them to do, was a stark contrast to the rest of my life, where nothing felt up to me. The nights after doing it, I was able to actually get some sleep at night, so the act does seem to have a lasting effect. As a lonely person, these experiences also removed a lot of the 'mystery' of sex which I was curious about.

Whilst positive, it still does not fully fill the void in my heart. What I seem to really want is intimacy, which cannot be bought, and may in fact just be an illusion altogether. Although there was one time intimacy was faked, and it did feel good, the rest of the the times were cold and impersonal. This highlighted two things, that the world is cold and doesn't care about you. Secondly, the future can change the past. I quote an example given by Alan Watts, where when you say 'the bark...', the meaning of the word can change depending on the word that comes after e.g. 'the bark... of a tree' or 'the bark... of a dog'. Here I realised that whilst the intimacy felt real in the moment, after the hour it became fake. And further, whilst the intimacy provided by a girl friend might be real for a year, it becomes fake after the break up. It made me ponder the ephemeral and illusory nature of relationships.

I also feel like I had somewhat 'lost' to the system, essentially becoming the kind of person I don't want to be. This cruel world promotes hedonism and taking advantage of each other, and doing this essentially made me one of these people which I utterly want to reject. Like the foot stamping on a human face forever, there seems to be no escape from this fate of living the life someone has determined for you, or the things that your body forces you do to.

In terms of cope, it feels like it's already wearing off as well. Having done it several times, I already seem to be bored of it. Whilst the first time was laden with excitement and unknown, it now feels like another pointless endeavour to add to the list of things that can't keep my attention. Which brings me full circle back to my existential dread and browsing this forum.

 

[makethepainstop]

Dude sex is fun, but sometimes cuddling is even more so. There is nothing wrong with those varieties of human contact, both methods can have almost therapeutic effects. Both people can enjoy and benefit, save for cases of rape. So I see no problem with what you report. Condoms prevent pregnancy and disease transmission, so always bring a rain coat when you go hunting. A relationship however requires BOTH parties invest more than sex and cuddling. So if you seek sex you get one thing, relationships give you several things,(sex and all of the cuddling you can want on tap as it were). Much love to you bro.

 

[sadmeltie]

I think relationships aren't fake if you find THE one but when you do find the one if it ends then once again your stuck believing it was never real so it is a problem but the pro is you'll get all the intimacy you could want so its worth a shot

I think relationships aren't fake if you find THE one but when you do find the one if it ends then once again your stuck believing it was never real so it is a problem but the pro is you'll get all the intimacy you could want so its worth a shot

I hope I didn't iritate you with this comment its just me being real

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

The only attention I get from females is escorts I have met some nice people over the years, strong women I could have a laugh with about how I was just a business transaction to them if you find someone with an open heart in their work it can be a genuine experience. The way I kept from resenting was realising married men would list for this opportunity. And I didn't have to care about if she was cheating on me. I wish I could do an essay on the subject as it's been a big part of my life but you aren't sure what's worth the effort wasting people's time reading.


Don't be worrying about disease shit. Don't go barebacking out of respect for you both and possibility of spawning a soul to this awful world. But otherwise get balls deep in that lovely woman you have found reminding her not all men are sex crazed assholes. ( Meaning the men who try to fuck like porn just hoping to be disrespectful when in reality they are harming themselves).

 

[foreverfalling]

I think relationships aren't fake if you find THE one but when you do find the one if it ends then once again your stuck believing it was never real so it is a problem but the pro is you'll get all the intimacy you could want so its worth a shot

I still wish for THE one, but it's kind of like Santa now, he's real until you get old enough that he isn't. And so I think I've gone past the time in thinking finding the one is real, becoming too disillusioned. If I do find the one, will I still be able to believe it will work or will I self sabotage? Thank you for replying.

I wish I could do an essay on the subject as it's been a big part of my life but you aren't sure what's worth the effort wasting people's time reading.

Yeah those were my thoughts as well, it's quite a personal topic. I did it for many reasons, sometimes I play out conversations explaining my reasons and choices in my head trying to validate myself. But no one would really be interested in all that, it's a lonely journey on an already lonely one here with no one to talk to about it. I'd be interested in your essay, or you could discuss with me.

 

[NumbItAll]

It is really tragic that so many of us are not considered worthy of affection unless we pay for it.