Past relationships??? confusion??? Dreams???

[PNKPNDA]

Lol I don't even kno where to begin on this
I just kinda need to see if anyone has similar experiences or what
So as lame as this sounds I had my first bf at 15/16 and I was OBSESSED with the kid- my first love, first shag u name it that was him and for like a year and a bit he was my everything naturally we broke up well he dumped me lol but anyways my point is now I'm 22 and have had bfs and am currently with someone for the past 3 yrs but I'm STILL thinking about this first person??? My dreams are tainted with him, I sometimes look at his socials and even messaged him a couple of times when drunk????
what I'm trying to say is I just don't understand why he's always there it was sooo long ago but I feel this deep pain and sadness and rejection within myself and my current relationship is stable but never ever going to be as powerful as my teenage one
I just feel like a right tit bcos yes the first love makes an impression but this is ridiculous now I feel guilty and it's like sometimes I'm reliving it???
My diary from that time honestly shows how broken I became after that break up and I really do feel like that rejection has fucked me permanently??? I really just hate myself for still having these feelings and thoughts especially as I am in a bloody long term relationship now
Can anyone maybe relate to this or maybe just shed some light on why this is still bothering me almost 6yrs later ???
I am pathetic I know . Thanks x

 

[Brick In The Wall]

You're not pathetic, it's natural to have an obsession with your first love. I had the same obsession over someone for years. It was difficult to break the cycle but eventually I did. The only advice I can give you is to stop checking his social media and eventually you'll start to move forward.

 

[PNKPNDA]

You're not pathetic, it's natural to have an obsession with your first love. I had the same obsession over someone for years. It was difficult to break the cycle but eventually I did. The only advice I can give you is to stop checking his social media and eventually you'll start to move forward.

Ah thank u I appreciate the reply! Ik the crazy thing is 3yrs ago I would have said I had broken it but now it just all seems to be coming back ???I went years not checking things and stuff but recently I've just kinda been sucked in by old pain it's horrible

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Ah thank u I appreciate the reply! Ik the crazy thing is 3yrs ago I would have said I had broken it but now it just all seems to be coming back ???I went years not checking things and stuff but recently I've just kinda been sucked in by old pain it's horrible

No problem, I think your current situation is causing you to drudge up all this pain again. You could tell yourself this, the person you were obsessed with is no longer that person anymore. Which is true because people are constantly changing. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but maybe telling yourself that can help you move on.

 

[PNKPNDA]

No problem, I think your current situation is causing you to drudge up all this pain again. You could tell yourself this, the person you were obsessed with is no longer that person anymore. Which is true because people are constantly changing. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but maybe telling yourself that can help you move on.

No don't be silly that doesn't sound harsh! It is very accurate and I know all this I just feel like I am going mad sometimes especially with how vivid my dreams can be it's all very weird

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Might be less him who you are seeing and what he represents as a first love or other meanings.

 

[PNKPNDA]

Might be less him who you are seeing and what he represents as a first love or other meanings.

honestly at this point idek what it all means anymore I'm just sick of it

 

[hoping to lose hope]

sometimes I dream about friends online I had that I did not know the face of.
Dreams are weird.

 

[PNKPNDA]

Yeah I really wish I could turn it all off sometimes