I haven't been told this due to mostly not being out in my life, but honestly I feel this a lot within myself. That if I cannot pass perfectly, others will be completely unable to accept me. That's part of the reason why I haven't come out, actually; because if I don't pass, or look girl enough, how would the people close to me (who I know don't have the highest views on trans people, especially trans women, already) react with anything other than laughing at me or judgement?
repressoid nation!!! (please god kill me)
i'm transmasc and don't pass in any way. i'm open to some people in my circle, usually just other traans people or people online. most people in my life don't know and i typically don't bring up my gender, though i call myself masculine terms in conversation and dress androgynously. i don't have any plans to take hrt even though it would "help me pass", because even though i have body dysphoria from time to time, my dysphoria is actually rooted in no matter what i do i don't feel like i'm capable of being accepted by the people around me. my cis sister, despite meaning well, has put in no effort to educate herself on what it's like to be trans and the inherent prejudices people like her hold towards trans people because it's "not normal". at the start of each college semester and when trying to open up to someone i trusted, i would say, "i use he/him pronouns". the teachers wouldn't remember and i would feel too embarrassed to mention it multiple times or during class. the cis people i told weren't really able to adapt to me wanting to be called he/him that well, because i didn't pass. at that point, what was i doing? why was i trying if i wasn't trying hard enough? i'm not gay if i try to date guys, i'm straight and gay guys want nothing to do with me. they don't want a
trans guy, they're not real men.
i tried to be a girl like people wanted me to, but i hated that and lamented that staying closeted or trying to be open about it really meant nothing if my exterior never changed. i'd always be seen as as a woman and people would have to larp that i'm a man if i say i'm trans. the only thing that really matters to cis people, transphobic or pseudo ally, is if i pass. if i don't pass, then i'm just a girl. i can't be a man if i'm short, have a high pitched voice, get startled easily, like chiikawa, buy stationary, or have long hair. men aren't allowed to look or act like me. some days it gets to me more than others. i went to an amusement park today and kept wishing in the back of my head that i was a cis girl, despite being born what already see
as a girl. i'm moreso jealous that cis girls don't have to try to be themselves, they can just be who they want to be without worrying what society perceives them as or what being "clocky" looks like. girls can be femme or butch, but still be girls. it should be so easy for me to give up and be a tomboy instead do transition, because my gender identity would still exist in the sphere of what people deem acceptable. if i was cis i wouldn't feel like explaining my identity makes me a burden to the people around me or like people calling me the right pronouns deserve to be praised when it's really the bare minimum. i think that suffering is knowing that you're suffering, but because unable to scream because it doesn't end if you ask for help. no one knows what to do when the problem is you. it's my fault i get misgendered.
