Discussion Partner doesn't understand...

[spenshart]

I ordered SN the other day and i decided to keep it a secret from the lady I'm seeing. We aren't together, but we are eachothers, does that even make sense? We are there for eachother and the connection we have is more than friends but there is no commitment or no labels at all between us.

Anyway... She found out. Welp.

She asked why I ordered it and now thinks im addicted to it and that I want to kill myself. She thinks im desperate to leave and desperate to kill myself. I told her that I want it in my reach so if life ever gets to that point again then I can use it. I have everything i need for the standard SN protocol. The extras too.

She then said, "ok kill yourself then i dont care, go, leave, leave me by myself, if thats what you want." Is it just me or is this incredibly inhumane and toxic?

Then she gave me the ultimatum and said that or me. I then tried to re-explain my reasoning and that im not going to use it. im only ordering it incase it gets to that point. she wasnt understanding. She then told me if i hide it from her and she finds out she is going to tell absolutely everyone that i know including my family, university, police, everyone.

Is my reasoning silly? or does she have a point. because its making me question it. I had to lie to her and tell her that ill throw it away when it gets here as it would give her peace of mind.

Anyway, my SN arrived a few days ago nicely packaged, safe and sound. It's stored in a place she wont find but i am not throwing it away at all. i feel like my reasoning for having it is valid?

anyway thanks to anyone who read this entire thing you must be bored lol. im curious what your thoughts are on this situation as i would like an outsiders pov on this please.

Thank you greatly!

 

[Freebandzgang]

"ok kill yourself then i dont care, go, leave, leave me by myself, if thats what you want."

This is very selfish of her to say. She is likely saying it to guilt you into not ctbing, I think there is probably a deeper rooted care and/or love for you. She wants you to not ctb but she doesnt know how to express it. (My opinion)

As for your reasoning, I think you probably shouldnt have worded it like that. Saying IF it ever gets to that point again is implying that it COULD get to that point and you arent trying to get better. She is probably thinking that it WILL eventually get to that point and is concerned. (all just my opinion)

However your reasoning is very valid, having SN for when shit gets really bad is a good idea, it could lead to impulsive decisions if something major happens to you but I think for the most part its valid. You just shouldnt have told her that imo.

 

[spenshart]

This is very selfish of her to say. She is likely saying it to guilt you into not ctbing, I think there is probably a deeper rooted care and/or love for you. She wants you to not ctb but she doesnt know how to express it. (My opinion)

As for your reasoning, I think you probably shouldnt have worded it like that. Saying IF it ever gets to that point again is implying that it COULD get to that point and you arent trying to get better. She is probably thinking that it WILL eventually get to that point and is concerned. (all just my opinion)

However your reasoning is very valid, having SN for when shit gets really bad is a good idea, it could lead to impulsive decisions if something major happens to you but I think for the most part its valid. You just shouldnt have told her that imo.

firstly thanks for the reply.

secondly i wasnt sure what else i was meant to say tbh lmao as i needed to say something and the truth is yes i will most likely ctb but when is unknown.

 

[Freebandzgang]

secondly i wasnt sure what else i was meant to say tbh lmao as i needed to say something and the truth is yes i will most likely ctb but when is unknown.

Im gonna be completely honest, in that situation i would have said the same thing. You probably didnt have time to think and the truth was the first thing that you thought of saying. It wouldve taken time to think of an excuse to make up. I understand why you said it. But just based on her reaction it wasnt the right thing to say. I have mad respect for you.

 

[s00ngone]

Let me try to approach this from the perspective of someone who hasn't soaked in the rhetoric of a forum like this.

Firstly, I would be willing to guess that part of the issue is that it was kept a secret. No one who puts their trust in you enjoys being lied to. I know that all too well.

Understand that, like freebandzgang said, implying it could get that bad is tantamount to saying "yeah, I'm definitely planning on using this" in the eyes of someone who sees you specifically going out of your way to come into possession of a poison which you're intending to use to end your life. People who care about you have a vested interest in making sure you don't die. That cannot be overstated. I agree that her way of expressing it was deeply distorted, but you can see how underneath the immediate reaction ("okay, do it then") the real intention is ("please, please don't. You don't know how much losing you would hurt me.").

Most people outside of a place like this aren't leaning on ctb as an option, plain and simple. It doesn't cross their mind. So to have a "backup plan" like that would rightly make a person who cares about you uneasy. "If it gets that bad" is extremely subjective and qualitative. There's no way for anyone but you to measure what or when that is, or to know whether that criteria might change suddenly with the entire protocol at your fingertips.

Being currently in a position to ctb for my own fucked up reasons, I understand how much it would royally fuck up your potential plans for news to break to everyone about having SN. It's weird and uncomfortable to be in solidarity about that but that's the nature of the beast, I guess. But you do have to try to get where she's coming from, especially if you guys are so close.

No one can stop you from either storing it, keeping it a secret or using it should you decide to. Just understand that if she should find out and react the way she said she would, I'd consider that to be coming from a place of concern, even if it's in direct contradiction to your plan to ctb. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot about this. Dancing around the reality of ctbing knowing there will inevitably be pain and tragedy leading up to and after will never be easy.

 

[spenshart]

i'm just confused still as to what the right thing to do in this situation is
th

Let me try to approach this from the perspective of someone who hasn't soaked in the rhetoric of a forum like this.

Firstly, I would be willing to guess that part of the issue is that it was kept a secret. No one who puts their trust in you enjoys being lied to. I know that all too well.

Understand that, like freebandzgang said, implying it could get that bad is tantamount to saying "yeah, I'm definitely planning on using this" in the eyes of someone who sees you specifically going out of your way to come into possession of a poison which you're intending to use to end your life. People who care about you have a vested interest in making sure you don't die. That cannot be overstated. I agree that her way of expressing it was deeply distorted, but you can see how underneath the immediate reaction ("okay, do it then") the real intention is ("please, please don't. You don't know how much losing you would hurt me.").

Most people outside of a place like this aren't leaning on ctb as an option, plain and simple. It doesn't cross their mind. So to have a "backup plan" like that would rightly make a person who cares about you uneasy. "If it gets that bad" is extremely subjective and qualitative. There's no way for anyone but you to measure what or when that is, or to know whether that criteria might change suddenly with the entire protocol at your fingertips.

Being currently in a position to ctb for my own fucked up reasons, I understand how much it would royally fuck up your potential plans for news to break to everyone about having SN. It's weird and uncomfortable to be in solidarity about that but that's the nature of the beast, I guess. But you do have to try to get where she's coming from, especially if you guys are so close.

No one can stop you from either storing it, keeping it a secret or using it should you decide to. Just understand that if she should find out and react the way she said she would, I'd consider that to be coming from a place of concern, even if it's in direct contradiction to your plan to ctb. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot about this. Dancing around the reality of ctbing knowing there will inevitably be pain and tragedy leading up to and after will never be easy.

thank you for the detailed response! i get that she may be concerned but if she wants me to feel safe then she should believe me and take my word for it that im not going to use it, but i need to have it for if it gets to that point?

 

[Freebandzgang]

i'm just confused still as to what the right thing to do in this situation

There is no "right thing" in this situation. You bought something to use to commit suicide and your partner found out. There is no good ending here.

i get that she may be concerned but if she wants me to feel safe then she should believe me and take my word for it that im not going to use it, but i need to have it for if it gets to that point?

If she wants you to feel safe she wants you to not have a substance you can use to kill yourself with. Even if you say you wont use it and you have it if it gets too to that point, you still have it. That likely will concern her very much. She will feel that you arent safe because you have it.

 

[spenshart]

There is no "right thing" in this situation. You bought something to use to commit suicide and your partner found out. There is no good ending here.


If she wants you to feel safe she wants you to not have a substance you can use to kill yourself with. Even if you say you wont use it and you have it if it gets too to that point, you still have it. That likely will concern her very much. She will feel that you arent safe because you have it.

yeah thats the tough thing. I just wish they understood my point of view. but they dont, or dont want to. i guess not the average person is as fucked up as me so doesnt think about that lol. its something ive decided that i am having. but now she knows about me having that and that i have a suicidal life/past i dont want that to affect how im treated. for example now she might feel trapped to carry on speaking to me because "if she leaves ill kill myself"

yeah thats the tough thing. I just wish they understood my point of view. but they dont, or dont want to. i guess not the average person is as fucked up as me so doesnt think about that lol. its something ive decided that i am having. but now she knows about me having that and that i have a suicidal life/past i dont want that to affect how im treated. for example now she might feel trapped to carry on speaking to me because "if she leaves ill kill myself"

simply just because i can now

 

[s00ngone]

i'm just confused still as to what the right thing to do in this situation is
th

thank you for the detailed response! i get that she may be concerned but if she wants me to feel safe then she should believe me and take my word for it that im not going to use it, but i need to have it for if it gets to that point?

Keep in mind that there's a lot of nuance in the overlap between "pro-lifer" (not my favorite term but it gets the point across) and "person who will not entertain the idea of you committing suicide".

There are a couple of things I see at play here. First and most blatant: her need to feel safe here is going to supercede yours. There are two reasons for this: a) you dying would be a direct cause of suffering and trauma for her and b) she will never be okay with that. Like I said, vested interest. You could definitely read some selfishness into that if you wanted to, but the truth sounds more like she loves you and isn't going to entertain the thought of you keeping a method on hand, period.

Think about it. For her to accept that you have SN in your possession, she'd have to accept that you could choose to use it at any time, and that there might reach a point where circumstances would seem so bleak and so irreparable that you'd choose to ctb. Most people are just never going to be willing to accept that as a possibility, let alone an option.

I get being rational about it. I certainly have been. I've done my research, I continue to, and if I should go through with ctb I know I'll have made as sound of a decision as I possibly could have. But whether you like it or not, to most people, especially to those who, again, love you and have a vested interest in seeing you alive (and well, I'd hope, though this forum obviously has a majority of unloved folks and it breaks my heart), suicide will never come across as a "rational" option. Hell, I don't think it is. I'm okay with being unpopular for saying that. I wouldn't begrudge anyone their choice and I'm not saying suicidal people shouldn't get to decide when to end their suffering - just that the kind of pain or dissociation or whatever drives you to contemplate ctbing is complex, gritty, distorted and impossible to fully comprehend outside the mind of the person suffering it.

So no, I don't think there's a happy medium between you feeling safe and her fearing for your safety, honestly. I understand you're in a really difficult spot having to choose between your own future-proofing and the concern of someone who, at least from your description, seems to really care about you. I hope whatever you decide that you find peace within yourself.

 

[spenshart]

Keep in mind that there's a lot of nuance in the overlap between "pro-lifer" (not my favorite term but it gets the point across) and "person who will not entertain the idea of you committing suicide".

There are a couple of things I see at play here. First and most blatant: her need to feel safe here is going to supercede yours. There are two reasons for this: a) you dying would be a direct cause of suffering and trauma for her and b) she will never be okay with that. Like I said, vested interest. You could definitely read some selfishness into that if you wanted to, but the truth sounds more like she loves you and isn't going to entertain the thought of you keeping a method on hand, period.

Think about it. For her to accept that you have SN in your possession, she'd have to accept that you could choose to use it at any time, and that there might reach a point where circumstances would seem so bleak and so irreparable that you'd choose to ctb. Most people are just never going to be willing to accept that as a possibility, let alone an option.

I get being rational about it. I certainly have been. I've done my research, I continue to, and if I should go through with ctb I know I'll have made as sound of a decision as I possibly could have. But whether you like it or not, to most people, especially to those who, again, love you and have a vested interest in seeing you alive (and well, I'd hope, though this forum obviously has a majority of unloved folks and it breaks my heart), suicide will never come across as a "rational" option. Hell, I don't think it is. I'm okay with being unpopular for saying that. I wouldn't begrudge anyone their choice and I'm not saying suicidal people shouldn't get to decide when to end their suffering - just that the kind of pain or dissociation or whatever drives you to contemplate ctbing is complex, gritty, distorted and impossible to fully comprehend outside the mind of the person suffering it.

So no, I don't think there's a happy medium between you feeling safe and her fearing for your safety, honestly. I understand you're in a really difficult spot having to choose between your own future-proofing and the concern of someone who, at least from your description, seems to really care about you. I hope whatever you decide that you find peace within yourself.

thank you for providing an outsiders pov (an outsider from my current situation)