B
bigbookofbug
New Member
- Feb 27, 2024
- 2
id considered suicide significantly all my life, and had told myself i would wait until i was 25 so that i could at least see if full development of my brain would make the feelings go away. they didn't, but at 25 i met my (now ex) girlfriend at a local lgbt event. since then ive been mostly living for her sake, and had thought of her sort of as my palliative care (took this phrase from "Every Cradle is a Grave" - good book!). we were together for 2 years, and even live together now. the thoughts of suicide never went away for me, but i at least was able to keep going for her.
she cheated on me three weeks ago, and fessed up two weeks ago, also telling me that she thinks she was wrong about being gay and only likes guys now. my lifes been sorta upended since then emotionally, and its only worse because i cant afford to break the lease.
ive lost my palliative care, so i've decided i don't want to keep just putting up with the pain of existence if i no longer have any reason to. i'm currently in the process of getting the logistics figured out and desensitizing myself so that i won't get too scared last minute and getting a small list of phone numbers so that the proper people can be informed after it happens. my birthday is in a month and a half, so it'll be sometime before then , as 27 is a such a popular age and i think it would be nicer to go then rather than at 28.
im not sure exactly how i'll spend the next month . i had the thought to do something fun originally , but nothing brings me any pleasure .
she cheated on me three weeks ago, and fessed up two weeks ago, also telling me that she thinks she was wrong about being gay and only likes guys now. my lifes been sorta upended since then emotionally, and its only worse because i cant afford to break the lease.
ive lost my palliative care, so i've decided i don't want to keep just putting up with the pain of existence if i no longer have any reason to. i'm currently in the process of getting the logistics figured out and desensitizing myself so that i won't get too scared last minute and getting a small list of phone numbers so that the proper people can be informed after it happens. my birthday is in a month and a half, so it'll be sometime before then , as 27 is a such a popular age and i think it would be nicer to go then rather than at 28.
im not sure exactly how i'll spend the next month . i had the thought to do something fun originally , but nothing brings me any pleasure .