Venting partner cheated and broke up with me after, she was my palliative care

[bigbookofbug]

id considered suicide significantly all my life, and had told myself i would wait until i was 25 so that i could at least see if full development of my brain would make the feelings go away. they didn't, but at 25 i met my (now ex) girlfriend at a local lgbt event. since then ive been mostly living for her sake, and had thought of her sort of as my palliative care (took this phrase from "Every Cradle is a Grave" - good book!). we were together for 2 years, and even live together now. the thoughts of suicide never went away for me, but i at least was able to keep going for her.

she cheated on me three weeks ago, and fessed up two weeks ago, also telling me that she thinks she was wrong about being gay and only likes guys now. my lifes been sorta upended since then emotionally, and its only worse because i cant afford to break the lease.

ive lost my palliative care, so i've decided i don't want to keep just putting up with the pain of existence if i no longer have any reason to. i'm currently in the process of getting the logistics figured out and desensitizing myself so that i won't get too scared last minute and getting a small list of phone numbers so that the proper people can be informed after it happens. my birthday is in a month and a half, so it'll be sometime before then , as 27 is a such a popular age and i think it would be nicer to go then rather than at 28.

im not sure exactly how i'll spend the next month . i had the thought to do something fun originally , but nothing brings me any pleasure .

 

[tsykoais]

people truly suck op, i'm sorry. crazy how life tricks you in to thinking you have someone then the moment you feel comfortable, boom! taken away.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm sorry you've had your heart broken. Can you clarify by what you mean by "palliative care". I'm understanding that your use of the word "palliative" is in an "emotional" sense, like your gf was giving you the only reason to keep going. There was no palliative care being given to you in the "physical" sense, correct? I just want to make sure I'm understanding correctly what you mean, since I didn't read the book you mentioned.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you suffer, it's cruel to me how existing can very easily get worse. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[bigbookofbug]

I'm sorry you've had your heart broken. Can you clarify by what you mean by "palliative care". I'm understanding that your use of the word "palliative" is in an "emotional" sense, like your gf was giving you the only reason to keep going. There was no palliative care being given to you in the "physical" sense, correct? I just want to make sure I'm understanding correctly what you mean, since I didn't read the book you mentioned.

yes, in the emotional sense. i mean it similar to how its mentioned in "Every Cradle is a Grave," such that if i did not have the obligation of the relationship to keep me going i would have made my exit. it was, i guess, a safety net. i don't really have that anymore and in spite of the fact that i am an emotional mess, the suicidality is not a symptom of that. it was always there even throughout the duration of the relationship but i was able to push through the desire because i did not want my absence to hurt her. if anything honestly im mostly angry right now because its going to be harder to carry through when living w/ another person versus when i was living alone. i also still don't want to traumatize her so im trying to make arrangements for it to occur away from home but if i do that i may have to pick something different than what i would prefer

 

[Jobbo1983]

It absolutely sucks how life can feel perfect in one moment, and then one person's actions can completely remove your entire reason for living

 

[allgoodthanks]

id considered suicide significantly all my life, and had told myself i would wait until i was 25 so that i could at least see if full development of my brain would make the feelings go away. they didn't, but at 25 i met my (now ex) girlfriend at a local lgbt event. since then ive been mostly living for her sake, and had thought of her sort of as my palliative care (took this phrase from "Every Cradle is a Grave" - good book!). we were together for 2 years, and even live together now. the thoughts of suicide never went away for me, but i at least was able to keep going for her.

she cheated on me three weeks ago, and fessed up two weeks ago, also telling me that she thinks she was wrong about being gay and only likes guys now. my lifes been sorta upended since then emotionally, and its only worse because i cant afford to break the lease.

ive lost my palliative care, so i've decided i don't want to keep just putting up with the pain of existence if i no longer have any reason to. i'm currently in the process of getting the logistics figured out and desensitizing myself so that i won't get too scared last minute and getting a small list of phone numbers so that the proper people can be informed after it happens. my birthday is in a month and a half, so it'll be sometime before then , as 27 is a such a popular age and i think it would be nicer to go then rather than at 28.

im not sure exactly how i'll spend the next month . i had the thought to do something fun originally , but nothing brings me any pleasure .

Wow your story is similar to mine. I hope you find your peace!