Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
There's no need for congratulations, because just as the title says, it's just a partial recovery. I don't need support so it's actually perfectly fine if I don't get any responses.
Anyway. I suffer from bipolar disorder II and now "the impossible" has happened: my medication is finally working. After three year's hell of nonstop depressive episodes I don't have to see the world through a dark veil anymore. I no longer have to suffer that indescribable, unbearable, inner turmoil that comes with bipolar disorder. It feels strange. I'm so used to suffering by now that normality feels unreal, almost like a dream.
However effective the medication, it can't fix my life, though. I struggle with different problems and they can't be solved with chemicals. That I don't have to suffer depressive episodes is not enough for me to want to live until old age. The difference is that it's easier to cope with my problems now, as the depressive episodes make life unbearable by exaggerating my problems and amplifying my pain. Through a glass darkly indeed.
For the better or the worse, I won't leave this community. I still have suicidal thoughts, albeit much less frequently, only once a day or every other day if even that. In fact, I got a typical, bipolar, suicidal impulse as late as yesterday and thought, "The bottle's in the cupboard. Maybe now is a good time?" It was considerably easier to suppress when there was no emotional hurricane raging inside, though.
More importantly, this chemical miracle is just buying me some more time. I can wait a little bit longer and see if things will get better or not, perhaps a couple of years even. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. The odds aren't too hot, though. In other words, my life may very well end in suicide despite this partial recovery. I'm not prepared to give up just yet, though.
This probably doesn't make much sense, but that's OK. I just had to share it here because I have no one I can share it with offline.
Anyway. I suffer from bipolar disorder II and now "the impossible" has happened: my medication is finally working. After three year's hell of nonstop depressive episodes I don't have to see the world through a dark veil anymore. I no longer have to suffer that indescribable, unbearable, inner turmoil that comes with bipolar disorder. It feels strange. I'm so used to suffering by now that normality feels unreal, almost like a dream.
However effective the medication, it can't fix my life, though. I struggle with different problems and they can't be solved with chemicals. That I don't have to suffer depressive episodes is not enough for me to want to live until old age. The difference is that it's easier to cope with my problems now, as the depressive episodes make life unbearable by exaggerating my problems and amplifying my pain. Through a glass darkly indeed.
For the better or the worse, I won't leave this community. I still have suicidal thoughts, albeit much less frequently, only once a day or every other day if even that. In fact, I got a typical, bipolar, suicidal impulse as late as yesterday and thought, "The bottle's in the cupboard. Maybe now is a good time?" It was considerably easier to suppress when there was no emotional hurricane raging inside, though.
More importantly, this chemical miracle is just buying me some more time. I can wait a little bit longer and see if things will get better or not, perhaps a couple of years even. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. The odds aren't too hot, though. In other words, my life may very well end in suicide despite this partial recovery. I'm not prepared to give up just yet, though.
This probably doesn't make much sense, but that's OK. I just had to share it here because I have no one I can share it with offline.
