Venting Partial attempt in order to try to get help

[gvmi]

I know this is dumb. I know all of this is dumb, but I plan on having a partial attempt if my next psychiatrist/psychologist visit doesn't do ANYTHING (29th December).
Maybe I'm dumb for self-diagnosing, but my untreated mental illnesses are driving me crazy. I can't be faking all of this. I just literally can't. Why would I be doing it?
I just ordered SN. Maybe impulsive, but it's whatever.

All my past psychologists and psychiatrists haven't done anything to help me. No therapy, no meds, no anything. I'm absolutely desperate, I'd even take meds like lithium or ssris if i just HAD a chance to recover. I just need something to look to, some light at the end of the tunnel, be that that there's always "another med" that can help, or another therapy way, or something.

If nothing happens the 29th, I plan on having an attempt. Take half the dose of SN and just go lay down somewhere outside, and if I die because of my low BMI, good. I'll probably call the suicide hotline meanwhile before I pass out... I'll note in my hand or something "ANTIDOTE: METHILENE BLUE" just in case.

This is so fucking dumb, reading this I just sound like a poser, like I'm not really trying to CTB. And no, I really don't, I want to try everything else before commiting to something like that...
I feel dumb, is it really so hard to find help? Is this dumb partial-suicide thing the only way someone takes me seriously?

I also thought of cutting my arm veins outside until i bled out and someone found me but that'd hurt too much i feel and I'm a pussy of doing nerve or tendon damage...

ah, im tired. im tired of trying so hard to cry for help into a void, where nobody listens to me and nobody helps me. im so tired.

 

[tinyghost]

you may not need to attempt to get the help you need. if you have an appointment tell your doctor point blank that you are going to kill yourself. tell them that you have the means (sn) and intent (you will try) if nothing changes. be honest about your feelings. i see that you live in spain, im not very familiar with the law there but i doubt that they will do NOTHING. at least change your medication or recommend therapy if not some sort of inpatient program. you are not a poser, you want your suffering to end just like the rest of us. i think it's admirable to want to stay alive to see if you are able to do that in life.

 

[gvmi]

you may not need to attempt to get the help you need. if you have an appointment tell your doctor point blank that you are going to kill yourself. tell them that you have the means (sn) and intent (you will try) if nothing changes. be honest about your feelings. i see that you live in spain, im not very familiar with the law there but i doubt that they will do NOTHING. at least change your medication or recommend therapy if not some sort of inpatient program. you are not a poser, you want your suffering to end just like the rest of us. i think it's admirable to want to stay alive to see if you are able to do that in life.

I will, thanks. Last time nothing happened. Now that I'm an adult, I hope something happens. Thanks a lot, I hope you recover as well <3