Scooter
Member
- Nov 8, 2019
- 31
Hello SS! This is a portion of my suicide note. I still haven't found the best way to start it, but I have a portion of it done and wanted to know what people thought.
My panic disorder is something I've always struggled with, but once I entered my teenage years, I entered a state of depression that has only dragged me further down as I age. As far as I'm concerned, I've been dead since then I was just never buried. I can't quite explain what it's like to be a walking corpse, but the feeling of being inadequate and a loser suffice for an introduction. Every morning I have a few moments of peace, but then the reality of the failure I am hits me like a ton of bricks until I fall asleep again. It's really hard to keep going when the smallest things can turn my mood upside down. Maybe it's a word, smell, or scene, but whatever it is my mind crawls back into this dark den. And this darkness is something that has been chasing me for a while, and I think I'm tired of running and I just want to sleep.
I've received professional help, tried exercising, and meeting new people, but to no surprise I'm soon reminded on why I hate who I am, and why I'm just no good anymore. I like to think I've made others happy in some way, but in the end I'll always be the sad clown that I am. All I do is make things difficult for others, and the world is better without me in it. I've not only failed myself, but my family, friends and my entire support system. I know how many people told me there were there for me to talk and help me through this, but I can't find the right words to express why I want to put a shotgun shell into my head. I don't want help anymore, all it does it waste tIt should be blatantly obvious that this is no one's fault. I just do not want to be here anymore. I'm tired of harming myself, I'm tired of the panic attacks, I'm tired of crying to myself, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of who I am. The reality of this situation is that I'm just too weak to keep going. There's a saying that people who commit suicide don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Well being dead is the only way I see myself doing any good in this world. I truly wish I was never born, and wasn't a waste of space.
Hopefully my passing isn't too hard for people. I imagine a few weeks go by and I'm just another forgotten memory. As far as I concerned you could spread my ashes on the highway. I really don't want to be remembered, and that's for the best. There's no use in carving my name in some rock and spending that money when there's people hungry out there.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused on people and continued to cause. Part of me want's someone to hold my hand when I got, but I know how unrealistic that is. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one and I'm allowed into paradise I hope to see you all there someday. So maybe this isn't a goodbye but a see you later.
My panic disorder is something I've always struggled with, but once I entered my teenage years, I entered a state of depression that has only dragged me further down as I age. As far as I'm concerned, I've been dead since then I was just never buried. I can't quite explain what it's like to be a walking corpse, but the feeling of being inadequate and a loser suffice for an introduction. Every morning I have a few moments of peace, but then the reality of the failure I am hits me like a ton of bricks until I fall asleep again. It's really hard to keep going when the smallest things can turn my mood upside down. Maybe it's a word, smell, or scene, but whatever it is my mind crawls back into this dark den. And this darkness is something that has been chasing me for a while, and I think I'm tired of running and I just want to sleep.
I've received professional help, tried exercising, and meeting new people, but to no surprise I'm soon reminded on why I hate who I am, and why I'm just no good anymore. I like to think I've made others happy in some way, but in the end I'll always be the sad clown that I am. All I do is make things difficult for others, and the world is better without me in it. I've not only failed myself, but my family, friends and my entire support system. I know how many people told me there were there for me to talk and help me through this, but I can't find the right words to express why I want to put a shotgun shell into my head. I don't want help anymore, all it does it waste tIt should be blatantly obvious that this is no one's fault. I just do not want to be here anymore. I'm tired of harming myself, I'm tired of the panic attacks, I'm tired of crying to myself, I'm tired of hating myself, I'm tired of who I am. The reality of this situation is that I'm just too weak to keep going. There's a saying that people who commit suicide don't want to die, they just want the pain to stop. Well being dead is the only way I see myself doing any good in this world. I truly wish I was never born, and wasn't a waste of space.
Hopefully my passing isn't too hard for people. I imagine a few weeks go by and I'm just another forgotten memory. As far as I concerned you could spread my ashes on the highway. I really don't want to be remembered, and that's for the best. There's no use in carving my name in some rock and spending that money when there's people hungry out there.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the pain I've caused on people and continued to cause. Part of me want's someone to hold my hand when I got, but I know how unrealistic that is. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one and I'm allowed into paradise I hope to see you all there someday. So maybe this isn't a goodbye but a see you later.
