Parents response to suicidal thoughts: ‘goodbye’

[Ready2GoNow]

I feel beyond sick and triggered right now.

My birth-givers were both extremely abusive. Physically and mentally. They completely destroyed not only my childhood, but my entire future too. I went from being top of the class to being unable to pass. I developed thyroid problems (which have been scientifically proven to be linked to child abuse), anxiety and PTSD.

In adulthood, my birth-givers shunned me from all family events. They said I'd embarrass them, or that other family members didn't want me there. They set up a family group chat and included distant relatives, but not me. They didn't even tell me my sister was pregnant. I found out from a distant cousin. They completely shunned me and treated me worse than a stray dog. But treat my sister like a queen. Go figure.

Tonight my 'dad' messaged me saying he's in my country (they live abroad), and asking when they can come visit. I said never. The last time I went to visit them they treated me like shit, to the point where I left 2 weeks early. I had even taken them £500 worth of gifts, which of course I didn't even get a thank you for. I've spent my entire adulthood trying to buy their love, it's pretty sad. It was my birthday a month later and they got me the same thing they always get me: nothing.

Anyway, the point is that they're shitty people. Yet they have no self awareness. My 'dad' couldn't understand why I didn't want to see him. He kept saying 'we've always been so good to you' and similar bs. I brought up the child abuse, and we got into a debate about it. Of course he denied it as always, then said I deserved it because I was a bad kid and skipped school... so I was a normal kid then...

He knows I tried to commit suicide a year ago. He hasn't checked on me since. He hasn't changed or made any effort. Yet he had the nerve to say HE'S 'been suffering greatly by how divided our family is'. I told him he has no clue what suffering is, and that the only one of us who's suffering is the one who's planning their own death soon.

He responded by saying 'I have to go to bed. We're always here until the last breath (not sure if he meant his or mine...) ready to help, you can call us anytime. Goodbye. Never forget that no one will love you more than we do. You will always be in our thoughts and hearts. I'm sorry for everything. Until one day'

I feel so sick and drained. Idk what I expected but it certainly wasn't a goodbye. He accepted my death like it means nothing. Wow...
To make matters worse my SN seems to be lost in the mail, there's been no update in 8 days. What did I do to deserve this life?

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

even if you were a "bad" kid, that wouldn't justify abuse. there's never a justification for abuse. and if he were truly sorry, wouldn't he have not done it in the first place? or, at the very least, made an effort to help you heal or respect your boundaries?

i'm sorry to hear you've got to deal with such shit people, and that your sn seems to be lost. nobody deserves to suffer like this, but life doesn't care about being fair.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

You didn't "deserve" this. They're shitty 'birth-givers.'
My parents said similar things and I'm pretty sure we have different cultural and socio-economic backgrounds, so... shitty parents everywhere.
My father said that if I ctb he's at peace with himself and would not feel guilty for a second. (Which shows the narcissism cause I would not ctb to spite him lol)

Is your sister older than you (this is just a theory of mine)?

 

[membo]

Sounds like such a stressful situation... I'm sorry.

> He accepted my death like it means nothing.

Perhaps another way of looking at it is that he understands you aren't close with him and he hurt you, so he doesn't have any influence over you. So he respected your decision and moved on. Or perhaps didn't want to overreact and make things worse when you two aren't on good terms. Perhaps too he didn't realize how serious you were about it.

 

[whywere]

OMG!! I feel ULTRA SORRY for you!!! I have had 100% the same experience with my "parents" I have told this before on ss here but 1 more time! My "parents" always called me the mistake to my face and in front of everybody. They kicked me out at age 18 and I never heard from them again, their choice. When they died they left my older brother in U.S. dollars $2,000,000 and my younger sister $500,000 and did not mention me, so I got ZERO. Also, same as you, gave them gifts and never heard a word. Tears welled up in my eyes when I read your post because my heart broke in pieces for you. I am 64 years young and that "experience" of my "parents" still haunts me today. All the love and caring in the world goes out to you my fellow sanctioned suicide global family member and my 1 wish for you is happiness.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

even if you were a "bad" kid, that wouldn't justify abuse. there's never a justification for abuse. and if he were truly sorry, wouldn't he have not done it in the first place? or, at the very least, made an effort to help you heal or respect your boundaries?

i'm sorry to hear you've got to deal with such shit people, and that your sn seems to be lost. nobody deserves to suffer like this, but life doesn't care about being fair.

Yeah he's definitely not sorry, he's a full on psychopath and incapable of feeling empathy, remorse, or any human emotion tbh. He should be locked up for what he did, but that's another story.
I'm just completely in shock by his acceptance of it. Couldn't give less of a fuck. It almost feels like he's given me the thumbs up to go ahead. Wow. It's one thing to think no one will care when you're gone, but it's another to have actual confirmation... I feel so sick. If I had SN I'd be taking it right now.

 

[ending80]

I'm sorry that you feel they have not been there for you and have let you down so terribly in the past. Do you think there may be any hope that you maybe be able to help them understand your feelings better since they did want to see you and did express their love and willingness to have you call them any time?

 

[Ghost2211]

That's really disturbing that they could be so heartless. It doesn't seem like they bring any benefit to your life.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

I'm sorry that you feel they have not been there for you and have let you down so terribly in the past. Do you think there may be any hope that you maybe be able to help them understand your feelings better since they did want to see you and did express their love and willingness to have you call them any time?

It's more than not being there for me. It's mercilessly beating a child with belts, metal poles, etc. Telling them every day they're worthless and should have been aborted. My childhood was so horrific I can't even remember most of it. My long term memory in general seems to have gone to shit, which is why my grades did too. I just can't seem to retain information anymore. I was so smart in school, always top of the class, it really hurts that I became a complete loser who can't even finish a 3 year degree in 6 years.

Anyway, I'm not sure how it would be possible to even begin healing from that. My birth-givers are narcissistic psychopaths who have always refused to admit the abuse even happened. Every time I brought it up they'd say it never happened, and it's all in my head. I feel like he only admitted it now and gave me that bs apology because he knows I'll be gone soon. As for their supposed 'love', I just can't believe that you can treat someone you love that way

OMG!! I feel ULTRA SORRY for you!!! I have had 100% the same experience with my "parents" I have told this before on ss here but 1 more time! My "parents" always called me the mistake to my face and in front of everybody. They kicked me out at age 18 and I never heard from them again, their choice. When they died they left my older brother in U.S. dollars $2,000,000 and my younger sister $500,000 and did not mention me, so I got ZERO. Also, same as you, gave them gifts and never heard a word. Tears welled up in my eyes when I read your post because my heart broke in pieces for you. I am 64 years young and that "experience" of my "parents" still haunts me today. All the love and caring in the world goes out to you my fellow sanctioned suicide global family member and my 1 wish for you is happiness.

I'm so sorry you can relate. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I was also kicked out several times from ages 15-17. I'd sleep in the train station as it had cover from the rain, but it was open so absolutely freezing. When I look back now I can't believe I didn't ctb in those days. I'm sorry your parents treated you that way. You seem like such kind, empathetic person. Sadly the perfect target for narcissists. This world has no mercy. Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding, it means a lot

You didn't "deserve" this. They're shitty 'birth-givers.'
My parents said similar things and I'm pretty sure we have different cultural and socio-economic backgrounds, so... shitty parents everywhere.
My father said that if I ctb he's at peace with himself and would not feel guilty for a second. (Which shows the narcissism cause I would not ctb to spite him lol)

Is your sister older than you (this is just a theory of mine)?

Wow I can't believe anyone can be so heartless. I feel sick to my core and am just in disbelief that these people get to go about their lives in peace, and are happy, yet I'm stuck with all this emotional baggage they've given me. I never really stood a chance from the beginning. Yes my sister is older, she's the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. The demon from hell who ruined everyone's lives. Supposedly.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I'm sorry uour birth givers could not be more compassionate and loving towards you. Children and a true gift and one to be treasured.

I have a question " thyroid problems (which have been scientifically proven to be linked to child abuse)" can you point me towards information on that? my cancer at 18 was metastatic thyroid cancer. It was the worst case my surgeon had ever seen. It was bad enough my first surgeon transferred me to a 2nd surgeon and again I was the worst case he had ever seen. I can tell you when thyroid levels are off it can make you really emotional, depressed, crazy and more. Its so amazing something you only need a teaspoon of your entire life could cause so many issues.

 

[ending80]

I'm so sorry you had to endure such abuse. You must be in a lot of pain now without their support. Every one deserves the unconditional love of their parents especially when they are in times of crisis. I am really sorry for your pain.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I'm sorry uour birth givers could not be more compassionate and loving towards you. Children and a true gift and one to be treasured.

I have a question " thyroid problems (which have been scientifically proven to be linked to child abuse)" can you point me towards information on that? my cancer at 18 was metastatic thyroid cancer. It was the worst case my surgeon had ever seen. It was bad enough my first surgeon transferred me to a 2nd surgeon and again I was the worst case he had ever seen. I can tell you when thyroid levels are off it can make you really emotional, depressed, crazy and more. Its so amazing something you only need a teaspoon of your entire life could cause so many issues.

Reproductive Rights: Abortion, Birth Control, More

What are your legal rights to have an abortion, get a prescription for birth control, or get a vasectomy or other sterilization surgery? Reproductive rights cover your legal ability to decide when, if, and how you have a child. Find out how different states’ laws could affect your access to...

www.webmd.com

Another thing to thank our abusers for...

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Reproductive Rights: Abortion, Birth Control, More

What are your legal rights to have an abortion, get a prescription for birth control, or get a vasectomy or other sterilization surgery? Reproductive rights cover your legal ability to decide when, if, and how you have a child. Find out how different states’ laws could affect your access to...

www.webmd.com

Another thing to thank our abusers for...

thank you for sharing I will read about it. I'm so very sorry your birth givers have treated you the way they have. They were given the best true gift and failed to see it.

 

[Dreamless Sleep]

I'm very sorry to hear of the abuse you went through. No child should have to suffer like that.

Can I ask you though... why do you maintain contact with your "birth givers"? It seems to only further inflict pain on you. Cutting off communication can be very freeing emotionally.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

I'm very sorry to hear of the abuse you went through. No child should have to suffer like that.

Can I ask you though... why do you maintain contact with your "birth givers"? It seems to only further inflict pain on you. Cutting off communication can be very freeing emotionally.

We hadn't spoken in about 6 months. I've cut them out for years at a time before, but always talk to them again eventually because if I cut them off permanently I'd have literally no one. I have no friends. No family. I'm completely alone in this world. My only human contact is the supermarket cashier. I'm so fucking lonely I can't even describe. My birth givers at least served the purpose of being someone to talk to occasionally. But you're right, nothing good ever came from it. I guess this time I let it all out because I know I'm going to ctb soon. Yet again I shouldn't have bothered. And the fact my SN seems to be lost is the cherry on the cake. Not one thing in this life has ever gone right for me. I always said I'm cursed. If there's a god he has a lot to answer for

 

[ending80]

I think it's natural for you to always hold out hope that each time you have contact with your parents it maybe better. Every child longs for the the love and acceptance of their parents, even if they were abusive. So I understand why you haven't cut them out of your life completely. And I think it's despite how many times they have hurt you, disappointed you and left you on your own I'm sure you've always hoped they would finally realize how wrong they were and make things right. It's hard to give up hope.

 

[Silver]

@Ready2GoNow while I didn't experience physical abuse except once, I have experienced emotional abuse and it gave me a shock reading your father's 'we've always been so good to you' quote , because I've been told that too. It's hurtful and isolating to know that your experiences aren't acknowledged or understood by your parents, but dismissed because they think they did a good job. In my case, that's partially true, I've never lacked food, shelter, education. But years of insults and put downs and then I'm asked why I have low self confidence, lol. Twice I have told my father I'm scared of him, and it just gets laughed off. Then he wonders why I never tell him anything. Personally I would love to have far less contact with him (it's currently once a week) but he guilt-trips me into keeping up contact.

 

[Meditation guide]

It's sad but interesting to read about the abuse others have suffered from their parents. I was abused too. I still can't talk about it. I was taught not to talk as a child. I actually learned as an adult I have a natural talent for singing. I am angry about what might have become of my life if I hadn't been scared into silence. And I too have a thyroid disorder.

He knows I tried to commit suicide a year ago. He hasn't checked on me since.

I'm so sorry your parents treat you that way. Mine are the same. If something bad happened to me I couldn't tell them because they didn't answer me or talk to me. I was not supposed to tell them anything. They just wanted me to disappear.
(I had been writing this in the present tense even though both parents are dead now. I was having another flashback as I wrote, went back and changed it all to past tense.)

 

[LittleJem]

I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible childhood. Your parents/dad seem incapable of acknowledging that and want to blame it on you - and that is typical of abusers and bullies - they pin it on you, they can't see themselves or the impact of their terrible behaviour. It can make you feel crazy, but really it is them and not you. You were an innocent child and there is no excuse for this abuse.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

You ask what you did to deserve this life.

Please stop asking this question because it is not your fault. In fact, you were probably brought up to find fault with yourself.

There are such beautiful proverbs (in German) as "Everyone is the smith of his own happiness" or "Life is what you make of it"

Bullshit

If everyone was born in the same environment, if everyone had the same starting conditions, then the proverbs would be true.

But that's not how it is. You have no control over where and by whom you are born. How your environment is that you are born into.

Of course you can partly determine your life yourself. But if your "good life" account is already deeply in the red when you start, you may never end up in the black and suffer for your entire life.

Without you being able to help or it's your fault.

Stop looking for the fault in yourself, free yourself from this thought, it will not let you get on your feet.

Even if you want to do ctb soon, then you will at least die standing

 

[mooncake]

Nothing justifies abusing anyone, let alone a child you are supposed to care for and love. The fact that parents sometimes handle the behavior of their children inadequately, is never the child's fault. And blaming you for their failure to find a better way of parenting is honesty so upsetting. Also excluding you from the family is just cruel. It's them choosing to be cruel, and doesn't mean you have any less worth. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Please don't make your own value as a person dependent on cruel people. I understand that it is very hurtful to feel like your existence has no relevance to your parents, no matter how they treat you. We are conditioned to look to our parents for love and affection, so when we don't get that from them it can feel like we don't deserve to get it from anyone.

Please try to not stress yourself too much over the conversation you had with your father, or the fact that your SN hasn't arrived yet. 8 days isn't that long tbh. I hope you manage to calm your nerves and feel better somehow

 

[DFFP]

my relatives have the same way of seeing on my CTB ....

 

[Ready2GoNow]

I think it's natural for you to always hold out hope that each time you have contact with your parents it maybe better. Every child longs for the the love and acceptance of their parents, even if they were abusive. So I understand why you haven't cut them out of your life completely. And I think it's despite how many times they have hurt you, disappointed you and left you on your own I'm sure you've always hoped they would finally realize how wrong they were and make things right. It's hard to give up hope.

This is exactly it. You said it better than I ever could. I'm always amazed by how understood and accepted this website makes me feel, considering I've never felt like that anywhere else in this world. Thank you

@Ready2GoNow while I didn't experience physical abuse except once, I have experienced emotional abuse and it gave me a shock reading your father's 'we've always been so good to you' quote , because I've been told that too. It's hurtful and isolating to know that your experiences aren't acknowledged or understood by your parents, but dismissed because they think they did a good job. In my case, that's partially true, I've never lacked food, shelter, education. But years of insults and put downs and then I'm asked why I have low self confidence, lol. Twice I have told my father I'm scared of him, and it just gets laughed off. Then he wonders why I never tell him anything. Personally I would love to have far less contact with him (it's currently once a week) but he guilt-trips me into keeping up contact.

My birth-givers always used that line 'you never had a lack of food, shelter, etc. We gave you everything!' Well yes you gave me everything except the most important thing of all- love. I'd rather have slept under a bridge with parents who loved me, than endure what I did. God I wish I knew what it was like to feel loved. I miss hugs. I think hugging someone is the closest I've ever come to feeling loved. Which is silly considering my last hug was years ago at a celebrity meet and greet, and my next hug would be the same if I could make it until February... Paid hugs. Lol.
I'm sorry you're also suffering. I wish this world was a kinder place. I can't tell if I'm too soft or this world is too hard. Probably both

It's sad but interesting to read about the abuse others have suffered from their parents. I was abused too. I still can't talk about it. I was taught not to talk as a child. I actually learned as an adult I have a natural talent for singing. I am angry about what might have become of my life if I hadn't been scared into silence. And I too have a thyroid disorder.

I'm so sorry your parents treat you that way. Mine are the same. If something bad happened to me I couldn't tell them because they didn't answer me or talk to me. I was not supposed to tell them anything. They just wanted me to disappear.
(I had been writing this in the present tense even though both parents are dead now. I was having another flashback as I wrote, went back and changed it all to past tense.)

That's so sad, I'm sorry. I used to LOVE singing and dream of being a singer! But every time I'd sing I'd be shouted at to shut up lol. I still remember as a teen telling my egg donor I was saving up to record some songs in a studio, and her laughing at me and telling the family 'she thinks she's gonna be a singer!' I wonder what it's like to have parents who love and support you. Let alone respect you. Support you and your dreams, instead of kicking you down at every opportunity... Sounds like a fairytale. God I hate this world. It's so unfathomably cruel to be brought into existence only to suffer the whole time.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I would love to be in a room with your birth givers 30 minutes. To let them know the nightmare I live without my son. I would give anything to just have a hug from my son. I can't he is dead. I'm so sorry they failed you and deprived you of what you needed most- love. I wish I could be there with you as a mom and hug you, stroke your hair and tell you everything is going to be alright you are loved.

 

[Ready2GoNow]

I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible childhood. Your parents/dad seem incapable of acknowledging that and want to blame it on you - and that is typical of abusers and bullies - they pin it on you, they can't see themselves or the impact of their terrible behaviour. It can make you feel crazy, but really it is them and not you. You were an innocent child and there is no excuse for this abuse.

I really do question my sanity sometimes, the gaslighting is so strong. Thank you so much for this comment

You ask what you did to deserve this life.

Please stop asking this question because it is not your fault. In fact, you were probably brought up to find fault with yourself.

There are such beautiful proverbs (in German) as "Everyone is the smith of his own happiness" or "Life is what you make of it"

Bullshit

If everyone was born in the same environment, if everyone had the same starting conditions, then the proverbs would be true.

But that's not how it is. You have no control over where and by whom you are born. How your environment is that you are born into.

Of course you can partly determine your life yourself. But if your "good life" account is already deeply in the red when you start, you may never end up in the black and suffer for your entire life.

Without you being able to help or it's your fault.

Stop looking for the fault in yourself, free yourself from this thought, it will not let you get on your feet.

Even if you want to do ctb soon, then you will at least die standing

Wow I agree 100% with everything you said. You just managed to put into words everything I couldn't. My life was definitely in the red from the start. I honestly never stood a chance. I should have ended it all at least a decade ago. Damn SI/fear of the unknown. I just hope there's something better on the other side and this wasn't all for nothing. I'll never understand why some people have everything in this life and others have nothing. I'm so glad to have this website at least. This is the only place I've ever felt valued or understood. To have someone tell me it wasn't my fault is something I really needed to hear. Thank you so much for caring enough to comment

Nothing justifies abusing anyone, let alone a child you are supposed to care for and love. The fact that parents sometimes handle the behavior of their children inadequately, is never the child's fault. And blaming you for their failure to find a better way of parenting is honesty so upsetting. Also excluding you from the family is just cruel. It's them choosing to be cruel, and doesn't mean you have any less worth. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Please don't make your own value as a person dependent on cruel people. I understand that it is very hurtful to feel like your existence has no relevance to your parents, no matter how they treat you. We are conditioned to look to our parents for love and affection, so when we don't get that from them it can feel like we don't deserve to get it from anyone.

Please try to not stress yourself too much over the conversation you had with your father, or the fact that your SN hasn't arrived yet. 8 days isn't that long tbh. I hope you manage to calm your nerves and feel better somehow

Thank you so much for your kindness, I'm so overwhelmed by the support on here. It makes me cry because I've never felt so accepted and understood. It really means a lot. Thank you

I would love to be in a room with your birth givers 30 minutes. To let them know the nightmare I live without my son. I would give anything to just have a hug from my son. I can't he is dead. I'm so sorry they failed you and deprived you of what you needed most- love. I wish I could be there with you as a mom and hug you, stroke your hair and tell you everything is going to be alright you are loved.

I'm so sorry, your story is so heartbreaking. Even more so because you sound like such an incredible, loving mother. Your son must be so proud of you. I truly pray you will be able to hug him again one day Your kindness and virtual love mean more to me than you'll ever know, thank you

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

Wow I agree 100% with everything you said. You just managed to put into words everything I couldn't. My life was definitely in the red from the start. I honestly never stood a chance. I should have ended it all at least a decade ago. Damn SI/fear of the unknown. I just hope there's something better on the other side and this wasn't all for nothing. I'll never understand why some people have everything in this life and others have nothing. I'm so glad to have this website at least. This is the only place I've ever felt valued or understood. To have someone tell me it wasn't my fault is something I really needed to hear. Thank you so much for caring enough to comment

It is very nice that you feel accepted and understood here.

Accepted into the large SS family, which neither condemned nor dropped anyone.
It is a pleasure for me when I was able to confirm the truth with my words, which one tried to hide from you.

I hope you can enjoy our community a little more before you leave us again.