Venting Parent hate thread

[Silenos]

Hate one or both of your parents?
Rant here!

In my case both of my parents are the reason I'm here. And I don't just mean by going at it without any contraceptive and creating me by mistake.
The TL;DR version is that my mother was an abusive rage monster and my father a neglectful asshole who clearly favoured anyone over me. I blame them for my existence, for the fact that I'm fucked in the head, and for me being unable to be a functioning human being.

It was my intention to elaborate on both of them, to get some stuff off my chest. But as I'm typing I'm just so overwhelmed by my anger that I'll have to save that for another time. Feel free to ask me questions (which I can answer when I've calmed down) or post your own rants and stories.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories.

I've already ranted about my parents in another thread where I was keeping myself from writing a suicide note to then, because it was all about rescuing and protecting then from their own shit when my mother physically and emotionally abused me, was controlling, and had some narcissistic traits (the beatings that were supposed to be corrective were actually instigated by her rages), while my dad was an all-around "good guy" and cop who protected and supported everyone but me. My reasons for suicide have nothing to do with them, and I still want to at least tell them that, but they discarded me years ago because I not only refused to accept the family narratives about the abuse but demanded they take responsibility for physical injuries. So if they shut me out, the worst a social group can do to one of its own, in order to protect themselves emotionally and otherwise, what sense does it make for me to comfort them? Comforting me was not really their MO, it was always my job to comfort them. I have tons of compassion for why they turned out the way they did and the stupid mistakes they've made in covering their asses that will eventually result in huge consequences, but I'm done being a Christ figure and saving everyone else from their own issues. That's what the scapegoat is supposed to do, take on the stains and the burdens of others' sins and wander off alone in the desert and die while for everyone else their shit is out of sight, out of mind, and off their shoulders. I have to literally struggle to get out of that role and not go back to the default of caring and fixing and thinking it's compassion. Compassion means caring and wishing one could help, it doesn't mean stepping in where it's not appreciated and sacrificing oneself. Sometimes compassion itself is the resolution.

Anyhow, I think as you post stories, not only will you get some stuff out, but others like myself may respond by recognizing similarities in our own experiences and sharing them in return, and maybe also working out some stuff.

Finally, I don't hate my parents. I hate what they did to me and I hate what was done to them. I hate their ignorance and their filters that keep them from hearing what I say and seeing me as I am. The more I respected myself and stood up for myself, the more they denied me and hated me. But I admit i have at times hated them very, very much. The more grounded I am and accepting of myself, and the more I do things for which I respect myself, the less charged any of my emotions toward them and the calmer I feel. When I feel strong, passionate emotions, I am more likely to do unwise things that result in negative consequences for me, not others, so I don't deny the emotions but I stopped letting them drive; they actually give pretty good directions from the back seat.

 

[okkkk]

I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories.

I've already ranted about my parents in another thread where I was keeping myself from writing a suicide note to then, because it was all about rescuing and protecting then from their own shit when my mother physically and emotionally abused me, was controlling, and had some narcissistic traits (the beatings that were supposed to be corrective were actually instigated by her rages), while my dad was an all-around "good guy" and cop who protected and supported everyone but me. My reasons for suicide have nothing to do with them, and I still want to at least tell them that, but they discarded me years ago because I not only refused to accept the family narratives about the abuse but demanded they take responsibility for physical injuries. So if they shut me out, the worst a social group can do to one of its own, in order to protect themselves emotionally and otherwise, what sense does it make for me to comfort them? Comforting me was not really their MO, it was always my job to comfort them. I have tons of compassion for why they turned out the way they did and the stupid mistakes they've made in covering their asses that will eventually result in huge consequences, but I'm done being a Christ figure and saving everyone else from their own issues. That's what the scapegoat is supposed to do, take on the stains and the burdens of others' sins and wander off alone in the desert and die while for everyone else their shit is out of sight, out of mind, and off their shoulders. I have to literally struggle to get out of that role and not go back to the default of caring and fixing and thinking it's compassion. Compassion means caring and wishing one could help, it doesn't mean stepping in where it's not appreciated and sacrificing oneself. Sometimes compassion itself is the resolution.

Anyhow, I think as you post stories, not only will you get some stuff out, but others like myself may respond by recognizing similarities in our own experiences and sharing them in return, and maybe also working out some stuff.

Finally, I don't hate my parents. I hate what they did to me and I hate what was done to them. I hate their ignorance and their filters that keep them from hearing what I say and seeing me as I am. The more I respected myself and stood up for myself, the more they denied me and hated me. But I admit i have at times hated them very, very much. The more grounded I am and accepting of myself, and the more I do things for which I respect myself, the less charged any of my emotions toward them and the calmer I feel. When I feel strong, passionate emotions, I am more likely to do unwise things that result in negative consequences for me, not others, so I don't deny then but I stopped letting them drive; they actually give pretty good directions from the back seat.

"The more I respected myself and stood up for myself, the more they denied me and hated me." I can feel that in my chest. It still baffles me how one can be so against the autonomy of their own child. Its literally only because if youre strong and independent then they cant abuse you and control you anymore. For some reason I dont possess the same grace that you do about it though. The vindictive and truly wicked nature of my parents and father especially makes me loose any concern for what happens to them. I do hate my parents because of how calculated and deliberate their abuse is. I was denied a life in which I could cultivate ESSENTIAL skills and am now playing catchup while they soak up my misery in glee. I want these people to rot in a nursing home far away from me. AFter taking such advantage of my empathy why should I waste any more on people who are guaranteed not going to change or even make an effort to rectify their fucking evil selfish behavior. My parents are scum and I would never give them the satisfaction of my presence or my words. I simply want to divorce them from my mind and any future environment I inhabit. Yet im still so far away from that because they did everything they could to inhibit my progress in life. I am beyond anger because that requires concern and there is nothing that can cause me to share a roof with those floor dwelling cowards. They dont even deserve this mental attention im giving them writing this pathetic paragraph.

 

[Living sucks]

Small word of caution . A thread called breeders was recently locked due to it getting very heated.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Small word of caution . A thread called breeders was recently locked due to it getting very heated.

That was a provocative title and OP were incendiary and directed at anyone who ever procreated. Of course some members were going to take offense.

If members take offense to this thread, then I think they've been abusive and/or abused and refuse to face it and so want to defend the abusers and abuse being discussed here.

Any abuser/abuse apologists show up here, I'll fight them.

For some reason I dont possess the same grace that you do about it though.

Could be because your parents are far worse than mine? Mine were not monsters, there is a lot of good in them, I have some good memories and had some advantages, they did make some sacrifices for me. I would say my mom was a 40% good mother, and my dad I don't know, he was distant a lot, he just didn't show up for me. Both were better when I was an adult, but my mom never stopped trying to control me, especially with emotional blackmail, and the worse she got and the more I stood up to her, the more my dad closed up and hated me, he had no emotional capacity to manage the complexity. She did some outright wtf shit and always has, and yet she comes from a false sense of moral rightness, so she convinces herself she's doing right even when the evidence says otherwise and she doubles down.

But yes, she has always been against my own autonomy, since I was an infant. The rages were triggered by my defending my autonomy, my separateness from her, my need to get out of the goddamn house and be around and even get support from other people besides just her. She beat me for that. She tried to sabotage relationships. She refused to visit me and affirm the life I'd built when I moved to another state. When they discarded me, she made up a more acceptable version of me who is still in contact and presented that to neighbors, friends, and extended family. I wanted to be close to her, but she wanted to be close to someone I wasn't, someone submissive, so she tried to beat and gaslight me into submission. It's really sad and crazy-making.

Sounds like you experience full-on narcissists. Honestly, I have compassion for whatever warped them. I had an ex-boyfriend who was a sociopath and I can see how his father intentionally warped him by abusing, gaslighting, making crazy, and discarding his mother. But I still get angry when I think of him because the abuse toward me was so overt and intentional. I only now have compassion because there is so much distance between us, both that he is physically far but also that decades have passed. These things are boundaries. I've also done a ton of work on self boundaries. Brené Brown says her research shows that the most boundaried people are the most compassionate, and I'm finding in myself that is true. I hold and maintain my boundaries when they are under attack, and I enforce them when needed. Then, as Brené says and is also right about, I don't resent people because I let them get away with things. I keep my power, and I allow them to have theirs, just not power over me.

The book Boundaries really helped me a lot. I still use it and just did recently when someone was attacking my boundaries IRL. I did everything I needed to, stayed calm, present, and resolved, set the boundary and then the consequences, and the person disengaged. The consequences are very clear if she chooses to reengage and act the same way. I gave her choices, and if she acts outside of them, there are things she will naturally lose as a result, not as punishment but rational natural consequences. And I do not hate her, even though she treated me with hatred. It's taken a lot of work to get to that point, really good work, and it paid off. I hope whatever you seek for yourself that you find the external and internal resources to accomplish it.

I think the anger and hatred are perfectly natural. Anger is an alert that boundaries have been and are being violated. The more you are safe and can protect yourself, perhaps the less you'll need anger and hatred to support you. Personally, my compassion comes from a place of strength, not pity, which weakens me and says to lower boundaries. I still have some anger and it tells me to not let them back in and to not capitulate. I'll likely always have some anger towards them, and I think it's healthy. I just don't let it drive my actions so that I cross lines as they did and victimize them, which I could easily do and justify. I could so easily fuck up their support system.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I don't hate my parents, but I do blame them for literally everything that's wrong with me. They thought they were "building character" - what they were really doing was destroying any chance I may have had at a normal life.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

The way my dad reacted to my problems was horrible. He called me a selfish attention seeker and told me my life was sad. He was rude and hurtful and never once tried to make me feel happier or encourage me.

 

[Good4Nothing]

The way my dad reacted to my problems was horrible. He called me a selfish attention seeker and told me my life was sad. He was rude and hurtful and never once tried to make me feel happier or encourage me.

Same.

 

[strawberryfield]

i hate my mom because she still decided to have children, despite having autism and depression. now i've got the exact same problems as her

 

[Sinai Silence]

Everytime I have to talk with either of my parents I feel a sense of dread in my core. They always act like nothing was ever their fault and nothing ever goes wrong. When I ctb I'm sure they'll act like they never saw it coming.

I went over to his house recently to look after his pets whilst him and his wife went on holiday. The amount of pictures of him and his stepson that were around the house; there wasn't a single one of me. It felt like a punch in the gut and a reminder how little he values me. I'm not gonna write him a note, he doesn't deserve my explanation.

I still can highlight the exact same toxic traits they have from the ones I remember in my past trauma. I have tried coming to terms with what they did to me but they haven't ever acknowledged my feelings, they simply don't care.

Now they casually talk and joke about the stuff that traumatised me as a child like its a story to tell over the dinner table. I can't stand how fake they are. They haven't changed a bit.

 

[Green Destiny]

My parents got divorced when I was very young and over the years fallowing were very very rough and traumatic on me and my siblings. My dad lived in a cramped dusty house with a landlord that made him miserable while my mom dated a boyfriend that she constantly CONSTANTLY yelled and fought with for years, so much so that the cops got involved more than once along with child services showing up. Today things slightly calmer but those years scarred me forever. Living with my mom is a full time job 24/7 both physically and mentally since she gets in terrible moods and drags me into them. My dad is a relatively calm collected person but there's times when he's rather oblivious to my life and my siblings lives and I just can't be 100% honest with him about what's going on in my life for some god damn reason, think it stems from when I was young he had a bad temper and it terrified me when he got mad. Sometimes I wan't to ask him how drunk or high my dad was when he met my mom and how he thought "Yeah I wan't to have children with this woman." Was a good idea. I hold some resentment for both my parents for having me when they already had 2 kids, not to mention that I was an unplanned pregnancy and they decided to have me for the hell of it. They're both far from perfect and I still love them but they both let their selfish feelings affect me and my siblings and it didn't make me turn out for the better.

 

[lostangel]

It was over before it started.

My father was laid back and never paid much attention to me. I don't mind it, I think it made my life a little easier as I didn't have a crazy dad. But I had a abusive mother. I don't think she ever wanted a son. She called me awful names, put me down and shamed me for trying to better myself.

I want to ctb because of her. I don't want to deal with her anymore. I can't heal from it. I've never been diagnosed but I think she has gave me ptsd. I have involuntary flashbacks of her verbally abusing me it keeps me up at night even until this day.

I've never built a bond with my father or mother so I don't know if I love them. I don't know what love is really. I don't think I even had a chance. I was also a reject from social groups so I always felt I was alone.

 

[Sockeye Salmon]

Ever since having to stay at home and spending extended time with my dad I just grew to hate him more and more.

He's extremely selfish and narcissistic. He thinks he's such a good role model that he tries to project himself onto everyone. He thinks he's so wise acts so. Treating everyone in the house like clueless kids even though everyone can pretty much handle themselves.

He also tries extensively to make me become more like him even though I am extremely disgusted by the idea. When I finished high school and wanted to go learn animation, he disagreed with my choice and told me to apply for the school that he went to back then, just so he has someone to "follow in his footsteps" because my older brothers didn't and I was the one forced to do it. Because to hell with my interests and dreams. Fortunately I failed the test and went to art school instead. But even then he still tried to make me re-apply again and again.

He also made me eat more ever since I was a kid. He's overweight and he forced me to eat more as a result, no doubt to make me become a mirror image of him. He always gave me more food than usual. He also once told me, as a kid, that I should eat more so I can become big and strong like him, all while he slaps his overweight belly. He likes to cook the same food over and over, he cooks WAY too much and manipulates me to eat all of it by saying that if I don't eat, I'm ungrateful, or something along those lines. Unfortunately it worked and I've racked some kgs during the past few months. I hate that as I grow older I can see more of him when I stare at the mirror. I'm disgusted at myself.

One time he set up and decorated an apartment room which he was so proud of that he insisted I stay a night there with him even though I'd rather stay at home. I couldn't sleep that night and had to eat what he gave which made me sick, but then he got angry that I got sick.

 

[okkkk]

I keep my power, and I allow them to have theirs, just not power over me.

I think the anger and hatred are perfectly natural. Anger is an alert that boundaries have been and are being violated. The more you are safe and can protect yourself, perhaps the less you'll need anger and hatred to support you.

Ever since I became more aware of the importance of self esteem Ive experienced monumental progress in my own development. When I abandoned the comfort of being self deprecating and self sabotage for the worthwhile struggle of self actualization I began to see what my parents and all my detractors were so afraid of. When you arent put off by the work youre already ahead of the majority of other people. Ive even come across people on here who have no intrest in changing their situation and become angry and vindictive when I suggest ways to improve it.
Even with the progress ive made Im constantly throttled my the psychological damage of my past and it honestly still hurts. Im still so far from being out of the woods so im still confident that with time I can finally develop the foundation of life i was denied since the beginning. Right now im still stuck in a garbage situation deliberately orchestrated by my tormenters and every fucking day is a battle. Its the rage and the culmination of all the effort ive put in that is driving me at this point. Its up to me to bring meaning to my suffering. no one else can do it for you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

When you arent put off by the work youre already ahead of the majority of other people.

I hear you! I would add to that a willingness to face things, which some people can't, but to me that's where the inherent power is, the backbone and the foundation for when one's world gets rocked by reality, whether they were the abused or have to face they were abusive. Either way, that's what's needed for things to get better, but instead some people double down on their beliefs of whatever they cling to (and/or clings to them) that keeps them in the toxicity.

It also takes great strength because when one is ready to get out of the toxicity and the illusions, most likely everyone else will want to stay, and they can get violent and oppressive toward anyone who doesn't agree, both the abusers and the enablers, and even some of the abused who also became enablers. The one who gets out will likely be ostracised and exiled. It may hurt at the time, but it is such a wonderful thing to be fully out of and free of the toxicity and to get to be oneself without being told who to be, who you are, or what others want you to do with your life. But if one doesn't have some foundations for that, then exile can seem terrifying.

I thought you might like this quote from Diogenes in his history of the foundations of Stoic philosophy, The Stoics, from the section on its founder, Zeno:

"Again, the good are genuinely in earnest and vigilant for their own improvement, using a manner of life which banishes evil out of sight and makes what good there is in things appear. At the same time they are free from pretense; for they have stripped off all pretense or 'make-up' whether in voice or in look."

You may also appreciate this tool for self-respect. It really works for me and I refer to it often.

I'm so happy that you're doing all you need to in order to get out of the toxicity. For me, and for a lot of people, it happens in stages. Each one is valuable, so I hope you won't get distraught when you're not as far as you'd like to be. This is challenging stuff, and you've already accomplished more than many could even imagine.