Paranoiac Fears

[BornofDust]

I'm constantly scared that I'm gonna end up being confronted by people for the things I did because of what I did because of my general lack of social cues. Especially in recent events. I'm also afraid of any job opportunities being ruined because of my bad reputation from my previous job. I'm scared of someone confronting me about it and or spreading rumors about me. Making things harder for me as a result. Thats on the back of my mind constantly. I'm constantly trying to find ways to explain my actions as Truthfully as possible " just in case." with immediate responses. My reputations been smeared before. So I'm just trying to prepare just in case. I'm already known as mentally unstable so things are gonna get so much harder for me then it already is. Plus no one takes my words seriously anyway. Their word against mine. I'm constantly fearful of having to deal with this again. I'm so scared of going back to University on-campus after the lockdown oficiallly ends that I'm smeared for good. My whole family is against me and considers me an unsatble mentally ill and also evil and selfish freak because of a smear campaign. I can't even live with them because of this even though I despareately wanna move out. My community college experience got so horrible that I had to literally hide in a corner all day. Before I was fired I was known as the dude with issues.

Now I'm afraid of dealing with that ten-fold and being directly confronted to my face about it. Especially in terms of recent events. It plagues my mind on a daily basis. This paranoia about being confronted and smeared for who I am and my actions. These thoughts seem so irrational but I can't hep but feel that way.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I can definitely relate to what you say, I've felt like that too. What consoles me is how little people actually remember about you unless you're actually close. Basically, if you don't do anything that really affects the other person in a positive or negative way, you're just invisible, people just forget what you did or said, because they're too preoccupied with their own shit. I find it a comforting thought for my own paranoia, I hope you can too.

 

[spiderlily]

Basically, if you don't do anything that really affects the other person in a positive or negative way, you're just invisible, people just forget what you did or said, because they're too preoccupied with their own shit.

This. I use this to comfort myself also, since I keep hating on myself for letting social anxiety get the best of me too many times. People can't hear your inner monologue as you go through your interactions—the most they'll remember is a generalization like "they were shy/awkward/little weird maybe/etc" that they'll have to think on to recall. And if you did really affect them negatively, they'd have to really give a shit about you to mess with your new workplace or something.

All I can say is think about your present self: are you acting in some truly shameful sinful way? Whatever went down at the last job is not connected to how you've been at the current one. Something else that may help is: what is the worst case scenario and how would that affect me? You seem really stressed about the possibility of your past getting leaked, but what would that do to you in the workplace? And how does that differ to your current or even ideal state, and could you handle that difference?

 

[BornofDust]

You seem really stressed about the possibility of your past getting leaked, but what would that do to you in the workplace? And how does that differ to your current or even ideal state, and could you handle that difference?

I'm stressed because of my constant screw-ups at my previous job and my reputation as that mentally unstable dude could cause people to treat me differently( and more horribly as a result) as well as me losing respect among my peers. My bosses loved to gossip behind peoples back. I don't want them " warning" about me cause then by the time I get a job I'm gonna have to deal with that reputation and probably get fired( I'm sure they wrote a reference about me after they fired me )

I'm scared of more bullying if my past gets leaked. It has happened before. I'm scared of it happening again. Plus I don't have a job yet. But yours and @Nessie advice could be really useful in my day to day life. I just wished it was easier to practice

 

[GrumpyFrog]

But yours and @Nessie advice could be really useful in my day to day life. I just wished it was easier to practice

I know it's hard to subdue the paranoia sometimes. But you've just got to remind yourself that all these people aren't really thinking about you as much as it might seem. Eventually your brain is going to get used to this thought.
Good luck looking for a job!

 

[spiderlily]

I'm stressed because of my constant screw-ups at my previous job and my reputation as that mentally unstable dude could cause people to treat me differently( and more horribly as a result) as well as me losing respect among my peers. My bosses loved to gossip behind peoples back. I don't want them " warning" about me cause then by the time I get a job I'm gonna have to deal with that reputation and probably get fired( I'm sure they wrote a reference about me after they fired me )

I'm scared of more bullying if my past gets leaked. It has happened before. I'm scared of it happening again. Plus I don't have a job yet. But yours and @Nessie advice could be really useful in my day to day life. I just wished it was easier to practice

Man i'm sorry :( that sounds like a lot to handle. And i wish advice could be easier to practice as well. Idk if this is good advice, but sometimes it's easier to think in a "fuck them" mentality. Like @Nessie said, remember they aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. But also, even if they were, doesn't that make them the weird ones for caring so much about your business? Fuck them if they actively work to make your life harder because of it.