Paralysis

[parnassius_mnemosyn]

I genuinely feel paralysed. Time is passing, everyone is moving on, achieving things, making friends, changing. I'm stuck in place. I feel like I am in survival mode, hiding. I have lost all trust in people. They are cold and uncaring of anyone but themselves. I think I have spent so much time in my own head thinking about absurd things that I can not connect or relate to anyone anymore. At the same time I feel so lonely and drained that I can not bring myself to do anything. everytime I think I should just end it, I find an excuse not to. Hope has never gotten me anywhere. I had plans to ctb in 2024, but kept putting it off. Two years later and things have gotten worse, I kind of regret not doing it then. And still, I find a reason not to, and let my life rot further.