Venting Panicking as the date I will ctb is coming closer?

[Reuthry]

Yeah so I have like 49 days. I want to ctb and I am sure about my decision but as the time coming closer, I started to feel weird, panicking and being paranoid I guess. What if this or that happens and someone finds me and "rescue" me? What if I just freeze at that moment because of SI and decide to not ctb and then regret that decision? I choose 29 February on purpose, I want to trick the SI in some sort of way. It's like "Ctb now because you would have to wait for 4 years."
Is it normal that I am feeling this way? How to feel better about my ctb (don't get me wrong, I really want to die I am not afraid of dying or something)?

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish it's more straightforward to cease existing on our own terms, to me it'd be such a relief if there's the option to just fall into an dreamless and eternal sleep. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[certified_idiot]

Its normal to feel anxious when you are coming closer to any big decision, especially one as irreversible as CTB. As long as you are thorough in your planning, you should be able to prevent SI and people "rescuing" you. The way I deal with anxiety is to just not think about it. I procrastinate and dissociate so I don't panic leading up to the event. This is definitely not a healthy solution, but anything else would probably take a lot longer, and you're going to die soon anyway, so their shouldn't be any consequences to doing it.

 

[BlackMoon]

If I was you, I know I would try to rationalize. To analyze objectively 1) what's happening, 2) why your reasons to CtB would be perfectly logical and 3) why your SI don't stop infringing in your actual plans.

In my case, I concluded 1) I'm trapped in a world where I just can't be myself with anyone and be loved, 2) because the situation is neither changeable, bearable or profitable, and 3) because I fear pain or failing.

Of course I'm neither inciting you to copy my way or even to CtB. I'm just hoping to give you some ideas which could help you to find your own solution.

 

[PrettyPotato]

As others have said, totally normal to feel that way - I have less than 1 week left now and even though I've planned everything out precisely, I still have periods of anxiety. It's not anxiety around ctb itself, it's worrying if something doesn't go to plan, etc.

The suggestion above about writing down your rationalisation for doing any of this is good. I did that a few weeks ago and it definitely helped calm me. I did a pros / cons list for not ctbing too, and let's just say there wasn't much in the pros column!

 

[Mayonaise]

Some people find relief in knowing the date is near, some others react in a different way. There's not a "right" or a "wrong" way of feeling, there's just your way of feeling.
If having a date set is making you anxious, what about not having a date set? If you really want to leave you'll eventually do it, maybe not having a date will ease your mind a litttle.
How to feel better about your attempt? Here's what would work for me: visiting places one last time, cherishing memories and taking time to write goodbye letters.
But we're talking about you, not me. If you're feeling uncomfortable maybe you just need some more time to find your personal answer to those questions. Hope it makes sense

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are feeling this way. We are on the same boat. I have decided on a set date and changed it somany times as I started to panick last minute. I really wish it was easier.

 

[Reuthry]

Thanks for all the replies. I will try the advices. Thank you again.