Panic if I go off road lately

[Laststop]

As I've recently mentioned I've been going through my things to get rig of everything I can, including digitally scanning photos and papers to archive, then dispose of the physical copies. I also mention it's been bringing up a lot of memories and emotions. The thing is, I long ago moved out away from family, and what few friends I had from youth, and sort of set on a path of dealing with life my having few attachments, and numbing myself into a loner that has few lows, but also few highs too. When talking to you guys, or just reading about your thoughts on how meaningless life is, and a waste of time, I realize how much I agree, based on the rut I've gotten myself into that's been going on for decades. But looking at old photos, while not providing a lot of inspiration, has generated depression from the contrast of how I was, and how I've become.

I've mentioned this too. But what's new is experimenting with, "Hey, what would it be like to try to remember what it was like to care about things? To have feelings? To be a person that exists with the assumption of 'normal' things in life?" And every time I try it I get this sick feeling of how much I've been able to avoid by being numb. I see what's hurtful that's gone by, the emptiness of now, and the panic of realizing I have nothing to keep going for. There's no plans anymore. No goals. No hope of people in my life. And when I think that maybe it'll come again somehow, even if I can't see it now, I remember what bullshit every other hope I had was. So I'm stuck in nothingness right now, when I need energy to get me out of the hole I'm in, and panic when I try to rev the engines within.

 

[MeltingHeart]

As I've recently mentioned I've been going through my things to get rig of everything I can, including digitally scanning photos and papers to archive, then dispose of the physical copies. I also mention it's been bringing up a lot of memories and emotions. The thing is, I long ago moved out away from family, and what few friends I had from youth, and sort of set on a path of dealing with life my having few attachments, and numbing myself into a loner that has few lows, but also few highs too. When talking to you guys, or just reading about your thoughts on how meaningless life is, and a waste of time, I realize how much I agree, based on the rut I've gotten myself into that's been going on for decades. But looking at old photos, while not providing a lot of inspiration, has generated depression from the contrast of how I was, and how I've become.

I've mentioned this too. But what's new is experimenting with, "Hey, what would it be like to try to remember what it was like to care about things? To have feelings? To be a person that exists with the assumption of 'normal' things in life?" And every time I try it I get this sick feeling of how much I've been able to avoid by being numb. I see what's hurtful that's gone by, the emptiness of now, and the panic of realizing I have nothing to keep going for. There's no plans anymore. No goals. No hope of people in my life. And when I think that maybe it'll come again somehow, even if I can't see it now, I remember what bullshit every other hope I had was. So I'm stuck in nothingness right now, when I need energy to get me out of the hole I'm in, and panic when I try to rev the engines within.

I hate the contrast of what I was to what I've become too- but to go back to what I was - slightly happy - feels like an impossibility now- I'm too far down the well

 

[Return2Dust]

I can relate. I feel like I'm at the deep end of the ocean and every now and then I get a life preserver to quit treading water. A respite - hope I can be saved. The problem is, the life preserver is inflatable and will soon sprint a leak. I'll have nothing to patch it and back under I go. Hope is a cheat. It's merely a desire for something to happen.
I've learned to stay numb, which I find more painful than the extremes of laughing and crying. I remember a time when I felt joy and allowed myself to hope. Now, I watch others plan, hope, experience joy and wonder where I went off course and sank into the deep end of the ocean.