Panic Attack & 2nd Thoughts

[sequesther]

I feel like I'm dying. Irony of ironies, five hours away from hanging myself and I get a panic attack and feel like I'm dying already.

Everything was planned down to the letter — my hanging method was researched and prepped, suicide notes were written, instructions and family contact info for the emergency responders were printed out — I even scheduled an email to be sent to my psychiatrist to call 911 after my death so that I wouldn't get discovered/interrupted by paramedics too soon. I was feeling reasonably calm and resolved only a few hours ago.

But with less and less time remaining before I have to go through with it (because timing is crucial), I am seriously beginning to lose my sh*t.

Someone please remind me what a horrible waste of a human being I am. Who else but a monster would spiral downward from getting fired, spend every cent of their unemployment benefits on alcohol and cigarettes, refuse to pay rent so that an eviction is pending in housing court, lie to their family and friends for 9 months about being fine and then drop this monumental bomb on them when the holidays are just around the corner?

Oh, but it gets much worse. My sister has been living in Thailand for the past 9 years and earlier this year she decided to pack it up and move back to New York to stay with me. I said nothing about the truth of my situation. I even encouraged her to make a pit stop in Australia to squeeze in some R+R before coming here. Just spoke with her this past Sunday night and still I told her nothing. In 7 hours she is going to land in New York after a 26-hour flight, exhausted and jet lagged — only to be whammied with the shocking news of my suicide. She will have to deal with the cops, the paramedics, the coroner and god knows what hell and it will be late at night and and and...

WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?!?

 

[Secrets1]

You're thinking which is fine. Listen to yourself, no one else has the right answer.

 

[nbn]

I feel like I'm dying. Irony of ironies, five hours away from hanging myself and I get a panic attack and feel like I'm dying already.

Everything was planned down to the letter — my hanging method was researched and prepped, suicide notes were written, instructions and family contact info for the emergency responders were printed out — I even scheduled an email to be sent to my psychiatrist to call 911 after my death so that I wouldn't get discovered/interrupted by paramedics too soon. I was feeling reasonably calm and resolved only a few hours ago.

But with less and less time remaining before I have to go through with it (because timing is crucial), I am seriously beginning to lose my sh*t.

Someone please remind me what a horrible waste of a human being I am. Who else but a monster would spiral downward from getting fired, spend every cent of their unemployment benefits on alcohol and cigarettes, refuse to pay rent so that an eviction is pending in housing court, lie to their family and friends for 9 months about being fine and then drop this monumental bomb on them when the holidays are just around the corner?

Oh, but it gets much worse. My sister has been living in Thailand for the past 9 years and earlier this year she decided to pack it up and move back to New York to stay with me. I said nothing about the truth of my situation. I even encouraged her to make a pit stop in Australia to squeeze in some R+R before coming here. Just spoke with her this past Sunday night and still I told her nothing. In 7 hours she is going to land in New York after a 26-hour flight, exhausted and jet lagged — only to be whammied with the shocking news of my suicide. She will have to deal with the cops, the paramedics, the coroner and god knows what hell and it will be late at night and and and...

WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?!?

How should i pm u

 

[Essence]

So sorry my friend for your situation. perhaps take a deep breath ( I know easier said than done ) gather your thoughts. Please don't be hasty in your ctb, if plans are starting to scramble. Your life IS precious, and I know you don't feel that way, but....you deserve a peaceful and well planned ctb, if this is your choice, give yourself that. There will be other opportunities. Consider talking with your sister, you just never know what might come from that. I'm sorry I can't assist you by reminding you that your a 'waste of human being', because to me and so many of us sharing your torment, simply don't believe you are Hugs matey, we are all here for you.

 

[sequesther]

Just took 4 co-codamol and a whisky double. Feeling less and resolve is returning.

Thank you for the kind and supportive words. But this is not the first time I sabotaged everything only to have my family and friends rescue my sorry ass. It's more like...the umpeenth.

Only feasible alternative I can barely bear to consider is getting myself checked into a psych ward stat — but what good would that do (besides postpone the inevitable and embarrass everyone else)?

Ugh. Need more painkillers and booze.

 

[Hunter100]

Just took 4 co-codamol and a whisky double. Feeling less and resolve is returning.

Thank you for the kind and supportive words. But this is not the first time I sabotaged everything only to have my family and friends rescue my sorry ass. It's more like...the umpeenth.

Only feasible alternative I can barely bear to consider is getting myself checked into a psych ward stat — but what good would that do (besides postpone the inevitable and embarrass everyone else)?

Ugh. Need more painkillers and booze.

Feel free to pm Me if you would like.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I feel like I'm dying. Irony of ironies, five hours away from hanging myself and I get a panic attack and feel like I'm dying already.

Everything was planned down to the letter — my hanging method was researched and prepped, suicide notes were written, instructions and family contact info for the emergency responders were printed out — I even scheduled an email to be sent to my psychiatrist to call 911 after my death so that I wouldn't get discovered/interrupted by paramedics too soon. I was feeling reasonably calm and resolved only a few hours ago.

But with less and less time remaining before I have to go through with it (because timing is crucial), I am seriously beginning to lose my sh*t.

Someone please remind me what a horrible waste of a human being I am. Who else but a monster would spiral downward from getting fired, spend every cent of their unemployment benefits on alcohol and cigarettes, refuse to pay rent so that an eviction is pending in housing court, lie to their family and friends for 9 months about being fine and then drop this monumental bomb on them when the holidays are just around the corner?

Oh, but it gets much worse. My sister has been living in Thailand for the past 9 years and earlier this year she decided to pack it up and move back to New York to stay with me. I said nothing about the truth of my situation. I even encouraged her to make a pit stop in Australia to squeeze in some R+R before coming here. Just spoke with her this past Sunday night and still I told her nothing. In 7 hours she is going to land in New York after a 26-hour flight, exhausted and jet lagged — only to be whammied with the shocking news of my suicide. She will have to deal with the cops, the paramedics, the coroner and god knows what hell and it will be late at night and and and...

WHAT THE F*** AM I DOING?!?

You can't tell your shrink to call after your death. They are mandated reporters. You know that right? If they know you're going to kill yourself they have to tell someone. And I'm not going to tell you what a horrible worthless human being you are because it's not true. It's what your depression is telling you. There's no reason to tell your shrink you're going to kill yourself unless you're secretly wanting to be found.