Venting pain of comparison

[gorgongrl]

I'm always comparing myself to everyone. I'm not good enough so I can't do that, I'm not pretty enough so I can't wear that, I'm not sick enough so I can't ask for that. Even when it comes to ctb I find myself wishing I had more reasons to do it. I don't know when I started to see myself through the lens of other people's lives instead of my own. I can't get better because I will never be as good as other people and I don't feel like I deserve to complain or to end my life because other people have it so much worse. Every path I take I find myself in the same pit of despair and self hatred. I wish I could just ignore everyone else. I don't even feel human I feel like a pitiful imitation of a person. All of my decisions are fueled by wishing I was someone else, I have no idea who I am and everything about me is a facade copied and pasted from people and characters so much better than me. Honestly I think even my mental illness is a mimicry of what I've seen on TV and through friends with actual fucking problems. I should just die so that I don't have to inflict this pathetic attempt at existence on anyone else. I feel like I'm always performing even when I'm alone. I feel so much anxiety about being perceived in case I mess up and people see through me and realise how much of a loser I am. I don't remember the last time I felt comfortable in my own skin. I want it to end but I'm too much of a coward to even do that.

 

[Acerakis]

Your feelings are valid. It's human nature to compare ourselves and also try and imitate others. You say your friends have 'actual' problems but if you are getting stressed out then you have just as much of an 'actual' problem as them, no need to downplay your struggle.

 

[Baron]

Wow, you just put a feeling into words, which I could not, thank you. I wish it wouldn't be so hard to ctb for me and anyone else who wants to perish. If I would compare myself to anyone, I feel like I would be worse. This attitude I have is something I can't seem to get rid off. Why? I think it's because I subconsciously try to make my life worse, so that I get the courage to ctb. Almost every thought I have is something depressing and self depreciating.

 

[Dying Knight]

Thinking that you are the only player in this game, while others are just NPCs helps to avoid needless comparisons. Just don't dive too far into this strategy becoming a fully egocentric maniac ))

 

[gorgongrl]

Your feelings are valid. It's human nature to compare ourselves and also try and imitate others. You say your friends have 'actual' problems but if you are getting stressed out then you have just as much of an 'actual' problem as them, no need to downplay your struggle.

Thanks, I know its not healthy to trivialise my feelings, but I can't help but feel like I'm just attention seeking when I have any symptoms.

Wow, you just put a feeling into words, which I could not, thank you. I wish it wouldn't be so hard to ctb for me and anyone else who wants to perish. If I would compare myself to anyone, I feel like I would be worse. This attitude I have is something I can't seem to get rid off. Why? I think it's because I subconsciously try to make my life worse, so that I get the courage to ctb. Almost every thought I have is something depressing and self depreciating.

I'm glad I could share something relatable to you. If ctb was easy I would have gone through with it years ago, the fear of failure and pain keeps me here in a state of decay and self pity. I also self sabotage any chance at happiness or growth, I don't know if its because I'm not meant to be here or because I don't know how to become a happy person but I wish I could decide either way.

Thinking that you are the only player in this game, while others are just NPCs helps to avoid needless comparisons. Just don't dive too far into this strategy becoming a fully egocentric maniac ))

Lol good idea, I get states of mania where I feel better than everyone else but they don't last long, maybe if I pretend I'm the main character I can find a way to stop hating myself so much more permanently

 

[Dying Knight]

maybe if I pretend I'm the main character I can find a way to stop hating myself so much more permanently

Trust me, this really works. "This is just a bot" should be you first thought when you see someone more lucky than you. And "I don't care" should be your default reaction on any shitty situation. You'll save yourself from a lot of stress by following these simple patterns.