puella
she/they
- Oct 5, 2023
- 320
I have a flight to my hometown on Tuesday. I got SN through a source that needed a business address, and that's where it had to be.
My plan was to fly from where I'm living now to my hometown, have the holidays with my family, attempt to CTB afterwards, and then fly back here to reevaluate if my attempt failed.
But I can't live here anymore. I've been struggling to live with my roommate, and it finally got to a breaking point. I'm packing everything of mine, and I won't be able to fly back here if my attempt fails.
Since I won't live here anymore, it doesn't really do any harm to say I've been living in Chicago. It's a very nice place, honestly, part of me was hopeful that I could get resources to transition and live a happy life here. I had been seeing a therapist here who really wanted to help me with everything. If I could have gotten health insurance and a case manager, I could have actually made progress on medically transitioning.
My hometown is a tiny sh*thole where I've had nothing but harassment and threats from the community thrown at me for being transgender. It's a town in Montana, and the conservative state government there has been actively passing backwards, anti-trans laws. I have zero hope for ever living a happy and normal life there. If I fail to CTB, I will just have to attempt to CTB again immediately after.
This situation is a lot more stressful now. Maybe I was actually hoping to fail my CTB attempt before—I don't know. But whatever the reason, I feel so much worse now. It's all over.
To get everything of mine to fit in my luggage, I've been throwing half of my possessions away in garbage bags. None of my stuff can remain in this room. I'm only packing stuff I will need in the next several days, or that I want to give away to friends and family. I really am packing for the bus.
My plan was to fly from where I'm living now to my hometown, have the holidays with my family, attempt to CTB afterwards, and then fly back here to reevaluate if my attempt failed.
But I can't live here anymore. I've been struggling to live with my roommate, and it finally got to a breaking point. I'm packing everything of mine, and I won't be able to fly back here if my attempt fails.
Since I won't live here anymore, it doesn't really do any harm to say I've been living in Chicago. It's a very nice place, honestly, part of me was hopeful that I could get resources to transition and live a happy life here. I had been seeing a therapist here who really wanted to help me with everything. If I could have gotten health insurance and a case manager, I could have actually made progress on medically transitioning.
My hometown is a tiny sh*thole where I've had nothing but harassment and threats from the community thrown at me for being transgender. It's a town in Montana, and the conservative state government there has been actively passing backwards, anti-trans laws. I have zero hope for ever living a happy and normal life there. If I fail to CTB, I will just have to attempt to CTB again immediately after.
This situation is a lot more stressful now. Maybe I was actually hoping to fail my CTB attempt before—I don't know. But whatever the reason, I feel so much worse now. It's all over.
To get everything of mine to fit in my luggage, I've been throwing half of my possessions away in garbage bags. None of my stuff can remain in this room. I'm only packing stuff I will need in the next several days, or that I want to give away to friends and family. I really am packing for the bus.
