Help overwhelming guilt over the butterfly effect

[ghostspace]

Currently, I'm really distressed about the impact my potential death would have on others. If that's something you'd rather not think about, please don't torture yourself by reading all my anguished ramblings of self-loathing and guilt.

Hi, it's a bad day.

I'm constantly haunted by this documentary/video I saw of people who'd lost loved ones to suicide and the absolute hell it put them through. I rewatch it when I feel impulsive/irrational because it always makes me cry and think, 'okay, okay, I'll stay,' I couldn't stand to hurt anyone like that.

Yet here I am, still wanting to not exist.

I know my family wouldn't be okay. My two younger siblings already struggle with severe depression and suicidal ideation, and my older brother and my mom have a history of depression as well. My little sister had somewhat of a breakdown in college and that was just due to her brutal depression/anxiety/panic attacks. It would completely destroy her if I left her, it would destroy all of them.

I fully believe a person has the right to die, but when I think about the trauma and pain my family would experience for the rest of their lives, how loud my absence would be (despite the fact that I feel they're better off without me, I ruin everything for them, they're happier when I'm not around) and how that would affect them, I'm consumed by guilt. That's not even a strong enough description for it, I want to kill myself for wanting to kill myself because how dare I exist if I even consider harming my family.

Would my sister still get through college and join the FBI? Would my mom blame herself every day for every little mistake she made as a parent? Would she live in constant fear that my siblings might choose to die as well? Would every missed call, every unexpected text, fill her with terror and dread? What would my brothers say when people ask them how many siblings they have and what they're all up to?

If I cause this, is it also my fault? Are those things mutually exclusive?

I believe I have a right to end the pain I feel, but it feels so wrong, like a betrayal to them. I'm their sister, they look up to me and trust me and I want to be there for them; I wish I was stronger.

 

[randomz]

I just want to say that in my opinion You are already proving you are strong for taking the time to think and realise what your CTB would bring to the people you care about. You are strong because evety day that you get through for the sake of your family is a day in which you are a winner, and a good day.

 

[ghostspace]

I just want to say that in my opinion You are already proving you are strong for taking the time to think and realise what your CTB would bring to the people you care about. You are strong because evety day that you get through for the sake of your family is a day in which you are a winner, and a good day.

Thank you, I love you. I really needed to hear that. ♡

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I'm not sure what to say since I've been battling the same feelings. What if I ctb on a particular date that means something to them and it ruins it, I hate thinking about it. But then there is the question of whether I'll cause more pain in the long-term, or a short-term burst of damage. In my mind it's not about the damage I'll cause, it's damage control and reduction. I agree with the other poster, the fact you thought this through is a good thing

 

[ghostspace]

I'm not sure what to say since I've been battling the same feelings. What if I ctb on a particular date that means something to them and it ruins it, I hate thinking about it. But then there is the question of whether I'll cause more pain in the long-term, or a short-term burst of damage. In my mind it's not about the damage I'll cause, it's damage control and reduction. I agree with the other poster, the fact you thought this through is a good thing

I think it is really important to consider the implications. That's why it's such a major decision. Also, I'm sorry if this is upsetting, I truly don't mean to upset anyone. I'm super emotional right now.

I think it will ruin that day, the date of death. And they'll remember on your birthday and on holidays and every time they see something that reminds them of you.

I don't think there's a way to avoid collateral damage, it's just a matter if I'm strong enough to hold on for others, despite my uselessness and pain. If I kill myself, it will hurt people, that's part of the choice since I still have people who care. For me, personally, killing myself would be cruel to people I love and if I decide to CTB, I will do it knowing that I've done irreparable damage to them.

I know from that video that those grieving people would rather have their loved ones as depressed/sick/addicted/disabled as they were, than to have to bury them. It doesn't feel that way for us in life because they (the ones we leave behind) probably only realize how strong their love is, it doesn't really hit them, until after the person is gone. Then, all the love is still there but there's no person to give it to anymore.

I still haven't decided. I think I'll know when it gets to the point where I can't take anymore, then I'll give it one more day until I'm done. I want to be sure.

 

[stevieu]

Currently, I'm really distressed about the impact my potential death would have on others. If that's something you'd rather not think about, please don't torture yourself by reading all my anguished ramblings of self-loathing and guilt.

Hi, it's a bad day.

I'm constantly haunted by this documentary/video I saw of people who'd lost loved ones to suicide and the absolute hell it put them through. I rewatch it when I feel impulsive/irrational because it always makes me cry and think, 'okay, okay, I'll stay,' I couldn't stand to hurt anyone like that.

Yet here I am, still wanting to not exist.

I know my family wouldn't be okay. My two younger siblings already struggle with severe depression and suicidal ideation, and my older brother and my mom have a history of depression as well. My little sister had somewhat of a breakdown in college and that was just due to her brutal depression/anxiety/panic attacks. It would completely destroy her if I left her, it would destroy all of them.

I fully believe a person has the right to die, but when I think about the trauma and pain my family would experience for the rest of their lives, how loud my absence would be (despite the fact that I feel they're better off without me, I ruin everything for them, they're happier when I'm not around) and how that would affect them, I'm consumed by guilt. That's not even a strong enough description for it, I want to kill myself for wanting to kill myself because how dare I exist if I even consider harming my family.

Would my sister still get through college and join the FBI? Would my mom blame herself every day for every little mistake she made as a parent? Would she live in constant fear that my siblings might choose to die as well? Would every missed call, every unexpected text, fill her with terror and dread? What would my brothers say when people ask them how many siblings they have and what they're all up to?

If I cause this, is it also my fault? Are those things mutually exclusive?

I believe I have a right to end the pain I feel, but it feels so wrong, like a betrayal to them. I'm their sister, they look up to me and trust me and I want to be there for them; I wish I was stronger.

I totally get your struggle. It's the main thing holding me back right now. It's a torment for sure.

Sending a virtual hug

 

[Deleted member 14386]

If you're super emotional, give it 48 hours. I know I know, it's a cliche, but sometimes it works. This is a topic I feel very strongly about, it's the real reason I haven't ctb successfully so far. I hate to place blame, and I'm not saying this is your situation or not, but my parents were insanely irresponsible in having a kid. While I hate the misery I'll cause I can't help thinking "well you made this problem and left it alone, what did you expect".

To the people who would prefer the depressed/sick/addicted/disabled as they were. I would ask that they respect the emotional turmoil people go through. I don't wanna wait for them to die so I can die. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Think it over, you've all the time you want!

 

[ghostspace]

I totally get your struggle. It's the main thing holding me back right now. It's a torment for sure.

Sending a virtual hug

Thank you, hug received and appreciated. ♡ Sending one to you as well ♡

If you're super emotional, give it 48 hours. I know I know, it's a cliche, but sometimes it works. This is a topic I feel very strongly about, it's the real reason I haven't ctb successfully so far. I hate to place blame, and I'm not saying this is your situation or not, but my parents were insanely irresponsible in having a kid. While I hate the misery I'll cause I can't help thinking "well you made this problem and left it alone, what did you expect".

To the people who would prefer the depressed/sick/addicted/disabled as they were. I would ask that they respect the emotional turmoil people go through. I don't wanna wait for them to die so I can die. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Think it over, you've all the time you want!

Oh, I can totally relate to the parent thing.

I agree. It's really hard for people to grasp when it's a mental disorder and not a physical one. The sufferer is the only one who truly knows the amount of pain they're in. I don't think people who have been in excruciating emotional pain for decades and have tried everything should be told to 'hang in there' so people aren't sad, but it's such a gray area (is it selfish of them to expect me to stay or selfish of me to leave them like this). It's all down to the individual, I guess. In my case, I think it would be selfish of me to do that to my siblings; they know what this feels like, too, and they grew up in the same environment I grew up in.

Don't worry, I've given myself at least a year to come to a decision. The 48 hour rule is my savior, I have ADHD and BPD = very impulsive. I'm already feeling more grounded from having talked about it on here.

(My piano teacher used to call it 'stop and prepare' when I was a kid and got to a difficult part in the piece. I would pause and get my finger placement right, and then go for it. Somehow that carried through to my emotional health first aid kit. )