I am one of us who has fallen through the cracks in the system, had an abusive start, a lifetime of misdiagnosis, and further abuse through the systems in place to "care" for the vulnerable. Never got the help I needed, never fulfilled my potential, couldn't build safety or survival.
At 40 there's nothing left for me, I knocked on every door and worked so hard. The amount of work I've done would have built a life but I kept losing it over and over, and working even harder to rebuild.
Kind of feel like if this was a play they'd be laughing at me.
There is no way of achieving survival, or treating my PTSD, and my life will get worse from here. I will never be able to access support, and the abuse I've faced in the medical system makes me WANT to exit before I wind up at their mercy again.
I'm transgender, I transitioned in 2011. My last attempt at help was in 2020. I'd been falling through the cracks, been recently abused by a support worker, and really needed a good doc who would be honest, communicative, and who would take the big picture and sort out how to connect me with the help I needed. But instead I was mistreated again and fell through the cracks. This doctor met me in 2020. She only ever knew me as this balding guy with a beard.
Later when I was going through my medical notes trying to figure out what happened, it turned out she was referring to me as "she" and "her" for two years. Nobody said a thing, until I got a trans friendly endocrinologist, and he told her she was being inappropriate.
I didn't know why this doctor gave me bad vibes, provided poor medical care, ignored reports of mistreatment, why I fell through the cracks again. Now I do. My doctor was openly transphobic and nobody really cared.
Oh and raise your hand if you've been sexually assaulted by staff while inpatient? Yeah don't bother telling anyone if you want to ever access mental healthcare again.
I will be catching the bus in a couple of months. There's nowhere else for me to go, and only the potential for more abuse and suffering. I can't access medical care and have broken two teeth. I have been homeless and if I don't catch the bus when planned, I will be homeless again and lose my chance at the peaceful end I have planned.
I'm in Canada. I deserve MAID. But MAID is not for people like me. Instead I get to catch the bus myself and worry it will fail or involve further suffering.
I am mostly at peace with dying. There are still hypothetical things I'd like to experience, but they will never happen, I will never have the means to build more, I will never have the care to survive.
But what is distressing me is how angry I am at the world? At people who have functional lives and avenues to access help if they want more, but don't use it. I feel like the world is disgusting. People are awful, and nobody gives a shit about anyone. Everyone is just building their towers as high as they can and to hell with everyone else. There is so much judgement from people who have no right to judge. Once you fall through the cracks enough it's truly like being in a separate world. Everyone pretends to give a shit about everyone to the point they might fancy themselves an advocate or see themselves as someone who fights for injustice. But those are just lies they tell themselves to feel good.
Fucking copium is their drug. But if somebody they loved was being abused and asking them for help they wouldn't be able to do anything - because everyone built small singular tower lives and nobody in this world gives more shits about a dying loved one than building their tower higher.
This disgust with the world is too heavy right now. I can come to terms with dying. How do I come to terms with the world that put me here?
At 40 there's nothing left for me, I knocked on every door and worked so hard. The amount of work I've done would have built a life but I kept losing it over and over, and working even harder to rebuild.
Kind of feel like if this was a play they'd be laughing at me.
There is no way of achieving survival, or treating my PTSD, and my life will get worse from here. I will never be able to access support, and the abuse I've faced in the medical system makes me WANT to exit before I wind up at their mercy again.
I'm transgender, I transitioned in 2011. My last attempt at help was in 2020. I'd been falling through the cracks, been recently abused by a support worker, and really needed a good doc who would be honest, communicative, and who would take the big picture and sort out how to connect me with the help I needed. But instead I was mistreated again and fell through the cracks. This doctor met me in 2020. She only ever knew me as this balding guy with a beard.
Later when I was going through my medical notes trying to figure out what happened, it turned out she was referring to me as "she" and "her" for two years. Nobody said a thing, until I got a trans friendly endocrinologist, and he told her she was being inappropriate.
I didn't know why this doctor gave me bad vibes, provided poor medical care, ignored reports of mistreatment, why I fell through the cracks again. Now I do. My doctor was openly transphobic and nobody really cared.
Oh and raise your hand if you've been sexually assaulted by staff while inpatient? Yeah don't bother telling anyone if you want to ever access mental healthcare again.
I will be catching the bus in a couple of months. There's nowhere else for me to go, and only the potential for more abuse and suffering. I can't access medical care and have broken two teeth. I have been homeless and if I don't catch the bus when planned, I will be homeless again and lose my chance at the peaceful end I have planned.
I'm in Canada. I deserve MAID. But MAID is not for people like me. Instead I get to catch the bus myself and worry it will fail or involve further suffering.
I am mostly at peace with dying. There are still hypothetical things I'd like to experience, but they will never happen, I will never have the means to build more, I will never have the care to survive.
But what is distressing me is how angry I am at the world? At people who have functional lives and avenues to access help if they want more, but don't use it. I feel like the world is disgusting. People are awful, and nobody gives a shit about anyone. Everyone is just building their towers as high as they can and to hell with everyone else. There is so much judgement from people who have no right to judge. Once you fall through the cracks enough it's truly like being in a separate world. Everyone pretends to give a shit about everyone to the point they might fancy themselves an advocate or see themselves as someone who fights for injustice. But those are just lies they tell themselves to feel good.
Fucking copium is their drug. But if somebody they loved was being abused and asking them for help they wouldn't be able to do anything - because everyone built small singular tower lives and nobody in this world gives more shits about a dying loved one than building their tower higher.
This disgust with the world is too heavy right now. I can come to terms with dying. How do I come to terms with the world that put me here?
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