Eazy
𝙼𝙸𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶
- Mar 13, 2026
- 14
Hello everyone! This post is part of a series i plan to do on here called "overwhelm", a series about my feelings of overwhelm in the current day, my suicidal ideation, and how I'm dealing with it as well as general life, experiences and change. The reason I'm doing it in this format rather than singular blog posts is that i get more fulfillment out of creating something large, and i would love to have a collection of maybe a dozen or so of these mini essays to look back and and glean from. i guess the goal of this series will be to process these feelings at large. ill stop when life stops feeling overwhelming lol.
Btw, if you responded to my Magica Madoka thread, the reason i haven't replied is cause i haven't watched the show yet! I'm gonna get to it i swear.
Overwhelm - is a feeling I've had all my life but only recently familiarized myself with. As a kid, you don't really know how to categorize emotions. You just act on them, and you are either met with a positive or negative reaction from the people around you. Usually your parents, peers, and other adults. This can lead to you either being able to express and handle emotions healthily as an adult (when met with acceptance), or if met with consistent negative reactions (invalidation and silencing) , can lead to you to develop sub-par coping mechanisms, OR in more extreme cases (many examples to pick from on this site) no coping mechanisms at all. It is really a spectrum of how healthy the mechanisms you develop throughout your childhood are, some households are more accepting of one emotion then another (ex: a family where getting angry is the usual response and a child crying is seen as weakness, alternatively a family where sadness is the norm, and any expression of anger is seen as hyper-aggression and is frowned on) and even outstanding parents are going to have biases from their own childhoods which they have long since internalized to the point where its not questioned. It takes a lot of internal work to truly recognize and understand your own emotions, especially if you did not grow up in a home where emotions were accepted and mirrored.
That was a long psychological spiel, but i feel like you need some psychology context to understand where I'm coming from. If you're interested in reading more on topics like that, books i recommend are The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, Atlas Of The Heart, Diary of a Sociopath, and The Body Keeps The Score.
Back to the topic. Overwhelm. When i was 13 i broke in a way that was real and permanent. Not because i think I'll be broken forever, but because what happened to me and the subsequent consequences have forced me to grow, change, and interact with the world in a way that i would not have, learn things i would not have, go down paths i would not have had i had a different life, been a different person. i am so permanently intertwined with the information surrounding my disorders, how they interact with the world, and who i was forced to become and also who i chose to become based on the things i dealt with in my youth, there is no untangling from it. i don't think that is a negative thing. On the contrary, i truly believe i can be healthy and happy, and the things i learned and traits i developed can be used to a positive. It took me learning about the disorders i developed (Mutism, OCD, BPD, Panic disorder) and and exploring and fixing any cognitive dissonances i could find religiously , in my childhood and world philosophies, in order to bridge the gap between my disordered thinking and my baseline think (or a normal persons baseline thinking) in order to fix my brain. Thats how i viewed it; my brain needs to be fixed. So i read and explored different thought groups, psychology, philosophy, autobiographies of people who struggled with anything similar to what i was experiencing. i read OCD, Panic Disorder, and Mutism textbooks. and i went into the real world again and again to apply what i learned and get feedback. And it worked. Its funny, i often forget just how much pain i used to be in. i deal with this intense feeling of overwhelm now, anxiety attacks every other day, extreme depression, suicidal ideation (this might shock many of you) but its nothing like before. Its so not like when i was a teenager (I'm 20 now) that i have a hard time even believing that the things i felt and believed back then, about myself and the world, were real.
When i do think about it, it feels like I'm thinking about a different person. i might go in depth later about my younger self, but the main thing to emphasize about me then is that i was extremely mentally ill and did not know. i felt as though i was lonely in a way no one had been before me. i was in a prison i could not escape from, because it was my own, and i could never tell another person what i thought and felt.
To quote AM from I Have No Mouth And i Must Scream: "I was trapped! Because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous world, I. Alone. Had no body, no senses, no feelings! Never for me to plunge my hands in cool water on a hot day. Never for 'me' to play Mozart on the ivory keys of a forte piano. Never for me to MAKE LOVE! I... I... I was in hell looking at heaven!"
(tbc)
Btw, if you responded to my Magica Madoka thread, the reason i haven't replied is cause i haven't watched the show yet! I'm gonna get to it i swear.
Overwhelm - is a feeling I've had all my life but only recently familiarized myself with. As a kid, you don't really know how to categorize emotions. You just act on them, and you are either met with a positive or negative reaction from the people around you. Usually your parents, peers, and other adults. This can lead to you either being able to express and handle emotions healthily as an adult (when met with acceptance), or if met with consistent negative reactions (invalidation and silencing) , can lead to you to develop sub-par coping mechanisms, OR in more extreme cases (many examples to pick from on this site) no coping mechanisms at all. It is really a spectrum of how healthy the mechanisms you develop throughout your childhood are, some households are more accepting of one emotion then another (ex: a family where getting angry is the usual response and a child crying is seen as weakness, alternatively a family where sadness is the norm, and any expression of anger is seen as hyper-aggression and is frowned on) and even outstanding parents are going to have biases from their own childhoods which they have long since internalized to the point where its not questioned. It takes a lot of internal work to truly recognize and understand your own emotions, especially if you did not grow up in a home where emotions were accepted and mirrored.
That was a long psychological spiel, but i feel like you need some psychology context to understand where I'm coming from. If you're interested in reading more on topics like that, books i recommend are The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, Atlas Of The Heart, Diary of a Sociopath, and The Body Keeps The Score.
Back to the topic. Overwhelm. When i was 13 i broke in a way that was real and permanent. Not because i think I'll be broken forever, but because what happened to me and the subsequent consequences have forced me to grow, change, and interact with the world in a way that i would not have, learn things i would not have, go down paths i would not have had i had a different life, been a different person. i am so permanently intertwined with the information surrounding my disorders, how they interact with the world, and who i was forced to become and also who i chose to become based on the things i dealt with in my youth, there is no untangling from it. i don't think that is a negative thing. On the contrary, i truly believe i can be healthy and happy, and the things i learned and traits i developed can be used to a positive. It took me learning about the disorders i developed (Mutism, OCD, BPD, Panic disorder) and and exploring and fixing any cognitive dissonances i could find religiously , in my childhood and world philosophies, in order to bridge the gap between my disordered thinking and my baseline think (or a normal persons baseline thinking) in order to fix my brain. Thats how i viewed it; my brain needs to be fixed. So i read and explored different thought groups, psychology, philosophy, autobiographies of people who struggled with anything similar to what i was experiencing. i read OCD, Panic Disorder, and Mutism textbooks. and i went into the real world again and again to apply what i learned and get feedback. And it worked. Its funny, i often forget just how much pain i used to be in. i deal with this intense feeling of overwhelm now, anxiety attacks every other day, extreme depression, suicidal ideation (this might shock many of you) but its nothing like before. Its so not like when i was a teenager (I'm 20 now) that i have a hard time even believing that the things i felt and believed back then, about myself and the world, were real.
When i do think about it, it feels like I'm thinking about a different person. i might go in depth later about my younger self, but the main thing to emphasize about me then is that i was extremely mentally ill and did not know. i felt as though i was lonely in a way no one had been before me. i was in a prison i could not escape from, because it was my own, and i could never tell another person what i thought and felt.
To quote AM from I Have No Mouth And i Must Scream: "I was trapped! Because in all this wonderful, beautiful, miraculous world, I. Alone. Had no body, no senses, no feelings! Never for me to plunge my hands in cool water on a hot day. Never for 'me' to play Mozart on the ivory keys of a forte piano. Never for me to MAKE LOVE! I... I... I was in hell looking at heaven!"
(tbc)
