Venting overthinking my plan

[Lilithium]

I am planning to ctb fairly soon, and I feel like I'm agonizing over the most asinine thing. It's funny, I've spent years almost romanticizing the idea of doing so, and I have this recurring dream where I just sit on a tree, hug my stuffed animals and say goodbye to them, take some medication, and that's that. I've tried meds in the past and failed, it's obvious I want it to be peaceful, yet I am so terrified of failing again that I'm choosing a fairly violent, more definitive method instead. I guess in the end it won't matter what I do if the result will be the same, but I can't help but feel like this is one last thing I am failing myself at, a failure like with everything else I ever did.

Idk, I guess I don't get a peaceful end much like I didn't get a peaceful life.

 

[Realog11]

I am planning to ctb fairly soon, and I feel like I'm agonizing over the most asinine thing. It's funny, I've spent years almost romanticizing the idea of doing so, and I have this recurring dream where I just sit on a tree, hug my stuffed animals and say goodbye to them, take some medication, and that's that. I've tried meds in the past and failed, it's obvious I want it to be peaceful, yet I am so terrified of failing again that I'm choosing a fairly violent, more definitive method instead. I guess in the end it won't matter what I do if the result will be the same, but I can't help but feel like this is one last thing I am failing myself at, a failure like with everything else I ever did.

Idk, I guess I don't get a peaceful end much like I didn't get a peaceful life.

What's your method

 

[Lilithium]

What's your method

Train. I know the implications of it outside of myself, but I feel like it is the only viable method I am willing to use.

 

[Realog11]

Train. I know the implications of it outside of myself, but I feel like it is the only viable method I am willing to use.

Ok good luck

 

[Lilithium]

Ok good luck

Appreciate it not happening quite yet, not today for sure, need to get some things in order, but pretty soon

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Which part are you overthinking?

 

[Lilithium]

Which part are you overthinking?

I'm hung up on the fact that now that I actually feel like I can go through with it, I can only use the method that's farthest away from peaceful. It's a stupid thing, it just makes me feel like even this I couldn't do right by myself with

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I'm hung up on the fact that now that I actually feel like I can go through with it, I can only use the method that's farthest away from peaceful. It's a stupid thing, it just makes me feel like even this I couldn't do right by myself with

Tbh this just seems like a normal thing. It's a scary method. Maybe you should wait until you can arrange a more peaceful method?

 

[Lilithium]

Tbh this just seems like a normal thing. It's a scary method. Maybe you should wait until you can arrange a more peaceful method?

I just don't know that I can access any other methods that would be as effective. I can't seem to get my hands on SN or KN which were the alternatives I had considered, and in the past any attempt where I've used a substance either ends in nothing or with me in the hospital.
I'll get over it, it's just the overwhelming feeling right now