Help overcoming the thing that makes me feel the most useless

[bijou]

the one thing in my life that makes me feel like i am so useless is the fact i have a driving phobia. even thinking about driving makes my hands start to sweat and i begin to sob. i don't want to rely on the other people around me for rides all the time. it doesn't help that my family also thinks i'm useless for not being able to drive. i know getting over this fear will be an important step in my recovery, but it feels kind of hopeless most of the time.

has anyone here overcome driving anxiety or phobias? or do u also long to live in walkable cities and ride streetcars all the time…oh how i miss the sweet nastiness of the subway…

 

[FlameWhisperer]

I don't have a driver's license, so there is that, however I do know what it's like having phobias or traumatic trigger responses similar to what you are describing.

Did you have any car accident, witnessed a car accident, had a friend die or hurt themsves in a car accident, or something like that, that led you to develop that?

What I can tell you about it is: to overcome it, there is no other way than to do it. Yes, it is extremely hard, and yes you will panic. If anything, I would advice you, if possible, to have someone be there with you that is capable of handling the moments you panic and knows how to calm you down.

Then, have you driving, but step by step. First start in a rather empty space, or a parking lot, just driving slowly and taking your time, for your mind to adapt to the idea of "I am driving" without automatically associate it with "I need to panic".

Then slowly, gradually, start driving in less busy roads, taking your time to do it, and slowly letting your brain adapt to that reality, moving to more busy roads as you go and as you can.

The key thing when overcoming a trauma/phobia, is to not let it control you. And there is no other way to do that, except facing the exact thing that makes you feel that way. The reaction you are getting is simply your brain tying the scenario to something that is threatening your life. In other words, it triggers all your self defense mechanisms because it sees something like "driving=danger", and what you need to do, is shift that equation for it to be something like "driving=just like any other tasks".

This is not an easy process, far from it, but it is possible. You will, however, have to have a lot of guts and willpower to put yourself behind the wheel and do it again.

Once again, I will repeat, it is rather important if you can do it with another person besides you that can help bringing you down to the ground (figuratively) when you start giving in to your panic. A person that is capable of remaining calm and remind you of what the task really is: you are just using your legs to push some pedals, your hands are just rotating a wheel and shifting gears, with a goal to move from point A to B. That is it. But right now, your brain does not see it like that, and that is ok. It will, so long as you keep trying to get there.

 

[bijou]

Did you have any car accident, witnessed a car accident, had a friend die or hurt themsves in a car accident, or something like that, that led you to develop that?

see that's the strange thing, i only have ever been in one accident and i already had this phobia prior. the accident wasn't bad, it was a bump on the highway and no one was injured but the car. i do believe it's definitely made it worse, but it's just always something i've struggled with. never been interested, or keen to drive, always been a public transit junkie…

thank you for your thoughtful response though :) blehh i know in my heart i have to just do it, but maybe i can find an empathetic driving instructor…i'm so nervous cause everyone that's ever tried has just laughed at me

 

[hungry_ghost]

Me tooo.

I was still learning to drive at around age 19, when I accidentally collided with another car on the highway.

I wasn't injured, nor was the other driver, but it just made me lose all faith in my ability to handle a vehicle.

Driving takes a lot of concentration, and I tend to dissociate heavily and struggle with being present which is a major no-no.

But definitely don't feel bad for having the phobia, it's understandable.

Not only do you have to focus on what you're doing when driving, you have to watch for possible idiots on the road, people who are reckless or impatient.

 

[FlameWhisperer]

see that's the strange thing, i only have ever been in one accident and i already had this phobia prior.

This is very curious. You see, no phobia develops for no reason, there must be something that brought it up. You will know what it is, but sometimes it is very hard for us to access our memories or feelings and understand what is the cause, what brought us what we feel like about certain things.

I don't know if you will be able to do so, but if you stop thinking about what you feel when you are behind the wheel, asking yourself why do you feel like it, what exactly are you afraid of, and you manage to answer yourself about it, you may get a clue about what triggered that phobia response in you. Sometimes it is the most "silliest" of things, that we would never even imagine it is related. Another times, it is something very obvious, but we are just unable to get there immediately, and once we do, it feels like "oh wow, it was this, how very obvious!". There are even times we are not able to pinpoint it's origins, because it is something that took place in our childhood, when our memories are more volatile, and we may not even remember consciently what caused us such distress, but the effects are still there, until eventually we start dwelling on it, trying to figure it out, and one day we just get there and remember it.

Finding the root of the phobia can be important in helping us overcome the phobia we have, because the understanding of what made it exist, can help us into further deal with the issue itself, whether it be an event, words of discourage, or repeated abuse from third parties.

This is an exercise that not all people may be able to do, depending on where they are mentally speaking. I don't know you, neither I have enough information on your background to take any conclusions out of it, so only you will be able to answer that to yourself, and try to dive deep into your memories, or feelings, thoughts, when you are behind the wheel. And well, I can only make assumptions and give you more generic advice based on my own knowledge in psychology (for context, I was studying psychology in college, however - this is very important for me to add - I did not finish my course, so take this only as an advice from another stranger, instead of someone with knowledge on the field, as I am no professional).

It could be something as simple as, when you are behind the wheel, your first thought is: "I am going to mess up". Then you ask yourself "why do I think this instantly?" And from then on, you will start diving deep on it, and eventually that will lead you to the day/person/words/actions that took place in the past, and eventually turned out to be like that. Rationalizing, or trying to, our fears (and therefore phobias) can be quite helpful in overcoming them.

i'm so nervous cause everyone that's ever tried has just laughed at me

Step away from people who laugh at you, or talk to them and tell them what that makes you feel like, if you deem they care enough to listen to you. Sometimes people will laugh with no ill intentions, they just find it curious, cute, or unusual, so they don't think it is a big deal, they don't understand the consequences it brings to us as individuals, and sometimes it helps if we explain to them why it is not funny to us, and how important that is to us.

If they are people you cannot say that they care enough to listen to you explaining why that hurts you, or that dismiss your words, well... Probably reconsider having those people in your life. Not helpful at all, will only add to the problem, by stressing you further about the matter. But of course, ultimately, your life, your call, I am merely giving you my own piece of mind about it.

but maybe i can find an empathetic driving instructor…

Finding and paying for a private instructor may be a good idea, or even if you go to a driving school and ask if they provide services like instructors that can help you with driving, explaining to them that you need help in feeling at ease driving may be a good idea. I don't know where you are from, or what services are available but, for instance, in my country, some schools do provide instructors that can be there for you while you drive to help you feeling more comfortable driving, even after you get your driver's license.

thank you for your thoughtful response though :)

No problem, and I hope my advice serves you of anything at all :)

 

[vcnt]

I've had a drivers lic. for some years now, i was really scared to begin with and sometimes i'd cry in the car if is stalled traffic or were close to hitting something.
My best friend also had a phobia of driving, he tried his best for some time and then stopped and then later began again, he also has his license now.
At this point in time we're both drivers without hesitation or fear, to my understanding the more you drive the less scary it becomes, today i love driving and have my own car.
My best advice to get started is to ask a friend if you can try to drive theirs in an empty parking lot (after they tell you how to break) or to drive with a parent.
I'm confident you can surpass this bump in the road (hehe)! You can do it!!!

 

[bijou]

This is very curious. You see, no phobia develops for no reason, there must be something that brought it up. You will know what it is, but sometimes it is very hard for us to access our memories or feelings and understand what is the cause, what brought us what we feel like about certain things.

hmm thinking back, i was never in the car when my parents got into accidents, but my dad got a dui when i was young, and a car accident on the highway where he had to go to hospital.

i also just think driving culture can be really toxic and reckless. like yk the type…car guys who want to drive fast and drift in their honda civics. my boyfriend watches a lot of bad driving compilations online where people crash constantly.

i think the combination of me just being generally anxious, my tendency to catastrophize, plus the very real risks that come with driving all compound into this horrid fear.

thank you again for really encouraging me to go inside myself with this. i'll most likely talk to my therapist more, and find a good, kind instructor after i get my learners permit. i've heard of others putting "new driver" or "anxious driver" stickers on their car to alert others around them if they make a small mistake.

i really appreciate your in-depth advice

sometimes i'd cry in the car if is stalled traffic or were close to hitting something.

gahh i do the same as a passenger right now!! the rest of your comment made me feel really encouraged though i can overcome it. thank you :)