Out in public and thinking, "I could literally end my life right now."

[Mixo]

Lately when I'm out in a public setting, I'll just be walking around, in the middle of doing something and I just realize I don't want to participate in being alive as a human anymore. I could be doing anything - talking to another person, grocery shopping, running an errand - anything. And I'll just wish I could be dead right now and not doing any of this. Now it happens even when I'm not upset or stressed out. Just this feeling of tiredness and being done. It's hard to describe but I have a feeling a lot of you may understand what I mean.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i understand. whenever i take the train, as i wait, i look at the tracks and think, "i could lay on those tracks, and wait for the train to kill me. and not a single person would physically try to pull me off those tracks." two months ago, i was walking on a bridge, and i thought, "i could jump off, and nobody could stop me from doing so." death is so close, and yet so far at the same time.

 

[XYZ]

The other day I was walking past a playground when I saw a really high swing. My mind immediatedly started calculating how, with minor modifications, I could do a full suspension there. Suicide is my permanent companion. Everywhere I go I think of it. It's like being in love - I can't think of anything else...

 

[GrumpyFrog]

It's like being in love - I can't think of anything else.

Wow, that was poetic. Being in love with death, unable to get it off your mind no matter what you do... I know this feeling.

 

[262653]

I can relate to the first three posters here. Being anywhere outside of my crib makes me feel more suicidal. Especially seeing youngsters in the park enjoying themselves. Looking around and imagine situations where a small change of set up would get me killed.

Some of my RL associates claim that I feel bad because I'm sitting in the cage I call my dwelling place. But I feel the cage anywhere I go, except for the dream world. No matter where I am, my enfeebled body is always with me, I can feel its physical limitations wherever I go.
Supposedly you are a superman now. Super strong, super durable, and all that. Being anywhere and doing anything becomes better. Sitting at home, being alone in nature, being in crowded areas, working at the warehouse, dealing with toxic people... Anything appears to be better if my stats were better, aside from getting myself killed maybe.

 

[TooConscious]

The other day I was walking past a playground when I saw a really high swing. My mind immediatedly started calculating how, with minor modifications, I could do a full suspension there. Suicide is my permanent companion. Everywhere I go I think of it. It's like being in love - I can't think of anything else...

People say "not in a park!" but today's kids will be 'swinging' you back aaan forth. Lol.

 

[Kindly-Anonniii]

I definitely understand.
Although we may have varying degrees i believe its very similar
Pretty much every time I'm at the train station i try to calculate how fast the train is going and see where the train slows down and where it is at its fastest to see where I should stand to die the fastest.
But the thought of the poor train driver and other people possible having their commute disrupted is more than enough to dissuade me from it aha

 

[Ness]

I spend most of my time looking at things and thinking about how I could use it to kill myself. The one real reason I don't is because I'm already such a problem and a burden, I shouldn't make it worse by forcing the public to deal with my death in any manner... If I could just outright turn into mist or something, leave no trace, that'd be ideal.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

It really is like being in love. My partner woul.d agree that she competes with it. In the suicide memes thread, really common one is the "anything slightly bad happens - suicide thoughts" one. It only goes away when I manage to think about something else really intently.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Every time I walk past a train track my brain is like "get on the tracks" and I really can't wait to actually do it

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Lately when I'm out in a public setting, I'll just be walking around, in the middle of doing something and I just realize I don't want to participate in being alive as a human anymore. I could be doing anything - talking to another person, grocery shopping, running an errand - anything. And I'll just wish I could be dead right now and not doing any of this. Now it happens even when I'm not upset or stressed out. Just this feeling of tiredness and being done. It's hard to describe but I have a feeling a lot of you may understand what I mean.

I have been feeling like this for a very long time.

 

[Mixo]

i understand. whenever i take the train, as i wait, i look at the tracks and think, "i could lay on those tracks, and wait for the train to kill me. and not a single person would physically try to pull me off those tracks." two months ago, i was walking on a bridge, and i thought, "i could jump off, and nobody could stop me from doing so." death is so close, and yet so far at the same time.

Where I live there are plenty of authorities that would try to stop you. Nothing worse than a clueless person thinking they're "helping" when they're only prolonging your suffering.

 

[raindrops]

I think about it while going to sleep and as soon as I wake up.
I check the weather daily, when its sunny no wind I think today is a perfect day to go.
A day like today, rainy, strong winds I think nope. I want to fall from the cliff, surely if you knock yourself out from the fall you'd feel nothing
Even on my good days I still think I have to do this, eventually.

 

[Lilacmoon]

i cant wait for the day these thoughts become "i will kill myself right now".

 

[AJ95]

I know the exact feeling, waiting at a train station and looking at the tracks and the train coming along and thinking "I could kill or seriously maim myself right now and no one could stop me."

Sometimes I glance around and wonder if any of the other people there would try to stop me if I suddenly made a dash towards the tracks, what they'd think or say afterwards, that kind of thing.