wdnd113
Member
- Oct 9, 2018
- 5
I haven't been on this site for a few months. I created a new account about a month ago in case i wanted to use it which i haven't until now. I've been in pain. Not much but something that has really fucked with my head. I was on this site at the beginning of this year, trying to find people to talk to and maybe a partner. I did actually find one.
I'm not very close with my friends, i don't talk to them about feeling or deep shit but something about her was different. I feel like i could tell her lots of things that i hadn't told anyone before. Maybe it was because we both knew that the both of us were in pain and our relationship had started because we were both desperate for a friend to talk to and eventually commit with. We met a number of times in a few months, talking and planning. Ironically i started feeling better, perhaps because she made me happy and then i let other stuff make me happy and do stuff that made me happy.
We were planning on going to beachy head, getting stoned and eventually jumping together but that didn't happen. The day we booked our flight i started feeling terrible. I didn't want to die, i wasn't happy but i didn't want to end my life. I felt this guilt that i didn't feel before my first attempt. After booking our flight i told her i had to go home. While on my way to the train i felt really dizzy and nauseous. My heart was going so fast and it felt like i was gonna pass out. I didn't want to disappoint her but i didn't want to die. The day after i told her i couldn't find my passport. I knew where it was but i told myself that i didn't because i wish i didn't. Obviously she panicked and told me to look for it some more and then update her. Eventually i told her that i didn't want to go, that i didn't feel the way i had at the beginning of this year and when i first met her. She said that she had trusted me to do this with her and even though i bailed she went to England alone.
I called her a week after i thought she had killed herself, i don't know what i was expecting or why i did it but she was actually alive. She told me how she got caught by some guards at beachy head and was in a mental institution. I don't know if i was happy that she was alive or if i wished that she had succeeded, not out of hatred but because i wanted her to be happy and i know she couldn't be while being alive.
Eventually she was released from the mental institution and was able to go home. We talked a lot after that, i knew she was disappointed in me and didn't trust me as much but she had no one else to talk to.
I knew she still wanted to die and i didn't want to try to make her stay but i tried to give her options. I couldn't force her to do anything but i still wanted to make her happy, as long as she wanted to try.
Some time went by and i had been in another country for a week. I hadn't spoken to her since the day before i left and after about a month of no texts or calls from her i called her. She didn't answer. I waited for a few days but she didn't call me back or answer when i called, it went straight to voice mail.
at around 10 am, august 11th, the before i was going away, she had called me. I don't know what she wanted to say because i didn't pick up, i didn't want to pick up. At 12 pm i got a text from her saying "i love you". I didn't think much about it and as a person who doesn't say "i love you" i replied with "haha".
I think about this a lot. I don't know what she wanted to tell me and it haunts me. I know that if i had picked up i wouldn't have tried to change her mind and even if i did i wouldn't have succeeded i just wish i had answered her call or at least texted her something more than "haha" back.
She jumped. I don't know where and i don't know exactly when during the day but on august 11th she jumped.
I'm not the type to get sad when someone dies and i wasn't really sad, not a lot.
But thinking back of how i were, because that's the person i am, i wish that i haven't been so effortless and had appreciated her more.
I got used to talking to her, i got used to having a friend that listens to my problems and someone i feel comfortable talking to. Now that she's gone i feel like i'm missing a piece, i don't have anyone to talk to or tell crazy stories to. I've tried talking into her voicemail but it's not the same when she can't reply. She was the one who held the conversation and talked the most and that's one of many things i liked about her. i'm not a talker so i enjoyed watching her talk endlessly because that's what she did. She talked and talked and never stopped. I could talk to her for 3 hours on the phone and there wouldn't be a second of silence. It wasn't only that she talked a lot it was also how she talked, how she asked questions and communicated. How she said exactly what you want people to say but no one ever does.
I will never regret talking to her, making this pact or wish that we haven't met. I thank her so much for her kindness and how she made me a kind of happy that i haven't felt for 3 years, in just a few months.
Jag saknar dig, Minna. Rest easy, du förtjänar det.
I'm not very close with my friends, i don't talk to them about feeling or deep shit but something about her was different. I feel like i could tell her lots of things that i hadn't told anyone before. Maybe it was because we both knew that the both of us were in pain and our relationship had started because we were both desperate for a friend to talk to and eventually commit with. We met a number of times in a few months, talking and planning. Ironically i started feeling better, perhaps because she made me happy and then i let other stuff make me happy and do stuff that made me happy.
We were planning on going to beachy head, getting stoned and eventually jumping together but that didn't happen. The day we booked our flight i started feeling terrible. I didn't want to die, i wasn't happy but i didn't want to end my life. I felt this guilt that i didn't feel before my first attempt. After booking our flight i told her i had to go home. While on my way to the train i felt really dizzy and nauseous. My heart was going so fast and it felt like i was gonna pass out. I didn't want to disappoint her but i didn't want to die. The day after i told her i couldn't find my passport. I knew where it was but i told myself that i didn't because i wish i didn't. Obviously she panicked and told me to look for it some more and then update her. Eventually i told her that i didn't want to go, that i didn't feel the way i had at the beginning of this year and when i first met her. She said that she had trusted me to do this with her and even though i bailed she went to England alone.
I called her a week after i thought she had killed herself, i don't know what i was expecting or why i did it but she was actually alive. She told me how she got caught by some guards at beachy head and was in a mental institution. I don't know if i was happy that she was alive or if i wished that she had succeeded, not out of hatred but because i wanted her to be happy and i know she couldn't be while being alive.
Eventually she was released from the mental institution and was able to go home. We talked a lot after that, i knew she was disappointed in me and didn't trust me as much but she had no one else to talk to.
I knew she still wanted to die and i didn't want to try to make her stay but i tried to give her options. I couldn't force her to do anything but i still wanted to make her happy, as long as she wanted to try.
Some time went by and i had been in another country for a week. I hadn't spoken to her since the day before i left and after about a month of no texts or calls from her i called her. She didn't answer. I waited for a few days but she didn't call me back or answer when i called, it went straight to voice mail.
at around 10 am, august 11th, the before i was going away, she had called me. I don't know what she wanted to say because i didn't pick up, i didn't want to pick up. At 12 pm i got a text from her saying "i love you". I didn't think much about it and as a person who doesn't say "i love you" i replied with "haha".
I think about this a lot. I don't know what she wanted to tell me and it haunts me. I know that if i had picked up i wouldn't have tried to change her mind and even if i did i wouldn't have succeeded i just wish i had answered her call or at least texted her something more than "haha" back.
She jumped. I don't know where and i don't know exactly when during the day but on august 11th she jumped.
I'm not the type to get sad when someone dies and i wasn't really sad, not a lot.
But thinking back of how i were, because that's the person i am, i wish that i haven't been so effortless and had appreciated her more.
I got used to talking to her, i got used to having a friend that listens to my problems and someone i feel comfortable talking to. Now that she's gone i feel like i'm missing a piece, i don't have anyone to talk to or tell crazy stories to. I've tried talking into her voicemail but it's not the same when she can't reply. She was the one who held the conversation and talked the most and that's one of many things i liked about her. i'm not a talker so i enjoyed watching her talk endlessly because that's what she did. She talked and talked and never stopped. I could talk to her for 3 hours on the phone and there wouldn't be a second of silence. It wasn't only that she talked a lot it was also how she talked, how she asked questions and communicated. How she said exactly what you want people to say but no one ever does.
I will never regret talking to her, making this pact or wish that we haven't met. I thank her so much for her kindness and how she made me a kind of happy that i haven't felt for 3 years, in just a few months.
Jag saknar dig, Minna. Rest easy, du förtjänar det.
