KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,842
Besides you all and only a couple others online, it seems like the majority of people's words and actions only serve to further dampen my mood and make me feel hopeless, even if they do not intend for this to happen and have good intentions. Can anyone relate?
I have tried doing everything you are supposed to do and it makes me worse. Thinking about going to doctors again makes me panic because they sexually abused me not once but twice in my very short lifetime, they never helped me, only caused me to fester and further deteriorate with their actions, dismissing, gaslighting, prescribing medications with ghastly side effects then not believing me when I experienced said side effects.
If you look at the NHS list of drugs approved to treat ptsd, chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, and all my issues I have taken every single one of them and showed no improvement. I have to take over the counter drugs for my IBS because doctors would not stop giving me things that I told them many times did not help me. This wasn't just one bad doctor either it was multiple, but people gaslight me and say I'm the problem and not these shitty doctors.
There is literally nothing else I can try except things I try to acquire myself, like supplements and the like. I genuinely have tried everything from NSAIDs to gabapentin to opioids. However, nearly every single person I talk to in the real world thinks they know it all when it comes to my conditions and my pain. They tell me over and over again to seek help, try more therapists, try more doctors, when those people will burn and hurt me worse over and over again with their ignorance of complex chronic conditions.
My boyfriend said I am just so judgemental of these altruistic doctors who only want to help people and I am hating them for no reason. Maybe if he went through malpractice he would not be spouting such ignorant words! I know people think they are helping when they say these things but they are just blaming the victim and reinforcing the narrative that it's your fault if someone dismisses your pain and treats you badly. I didn't incite this treatment from doctors, I was powerless, vunerable and shaking and they had power over me to do what they pleased, what could I have done as a child and a selectively mute autistic adult to prevent these tragedies?
Maybe this tough love approach helps some people who never attempted to recover and need a push to take action, but when people just repeat the same phrases and advice over and over again like a robot with no regard for your specific circumstances you start to grow tired of it. Especially when they start saying things like you don't want to get better, you want to wallow in misery and don't want to help yourself.
I know they think they are making a difference. I know the intentions are good. However it just makes me angry and frustrated that these people cannot have EMPATHY and feel the need to dish out platitudes and unwarranted advice. I got hotlines tossed my way 4 times in the past few days for saying my pain is unbearable. Really? How is that constructive or helpful?
My wish is that one day people can get their heads out of the sand and acknowledge that some individuals can't improve. Our technology has not advanced to the point where it can cure every ailment especially those like mine that are not well understood. I am going to die anyways so why not now? Why should I suffer for decades so others can have the satisfaction of proclaiming they talked me down from ctb one time and they are heroes?
Mercy is a concept that is lost on a lot of people. They cannot, and will not, understand because of their narrow view of the world, that one cannot suffer to the point that death is preferable in comparison to their life. It is unfathomable.
We are social creatures that need human connections yet other humans make me feel isolated, alone and further ostracised. I bet you are wondering why I haven't ctb now, and it is because I am trapped and don't want to hurt other people and cause problems by ctb in my current living situation, I would likely get caught and my life would be an even worse hell. Ironic, isn't it.
I have tried doing everything you are supposed to do and it makes me worse. Thinking about going to doctors again makes me panic because they sexually abused me not once but twice in my very short lifetime, they never helped me, only caused me to fester and further deteriorate with their actions, dismissing, gaslighting, prescribing medications with ghastly side effects then not believing me when I experienced said side effects.
If you look at the NHS list of drugs approved to treat ptsd, chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, and all my issues I have taken every single one of them and showed no improvement. I have to take over the counter drugs for my IBS because doctors would not stop giving me things that I told them many times did not help me. This wasn't just one bad doctor either it was multiple, but people gaslight me and say I'm the problem and not these shitty doctors.
There is literally nothing else I can try except things I try to acquire myself, like supplements and the like. I genuinely have tried everything from NSAIDs to gabapentin to opioids. However, nearly every single person I talk to in the real world thinks they know it all when it comes to my conditions and my pain. They tell me over and over again to seek help, try more therapists, try more doctors, when those people will burn and hurt me worse over and over again with their ignorance of complex chronic conditions.
My boyfriend said I am just so judgemental of these altruistic doctors who only want to help people and I am hating them for no reason. Maybe if he went through malpractice he would not be spouting such ignorant words! I know people think they are helping when they say these things but they are just blaming the victim and reinforcing the narrative that it's your fault if someone dismisses your pain and treats you badly. I didn't incite this treatment from doctors, I was powerless, vunerable and shaking and they had power over me to do what they pleased, what could I have done as a child and a selectively mute autistic adult to prevent these tragedies?
Maybe this tough love approach helps some people who never attempted to recover and need a push to take action, but when people just repeat the same phrases and advice over and over again like a robot with no regard for your specific circumstances you start to grow tired of it. Especially when they start saying things like you don't want to get better, you want to wallow in misery and don't want to help yourself.
I know they think they are making a difference. I know the intentions are good. However it just makes me angry and frustrated that these people cannot have EMPATHY and feel the need to dish out platitudes and unwarranted advice. I got hotlines tossed my way 4 times in the past few days for saying my pain is unbearable. Really? How is that constructive or helpful?
My wish is that one day people can get their heads out of the sand and acknowledge that some individuals can't improve. Our technology has not advanced to the point where it can cure every ailment especially those like mine that are not well understood. I am going to die anyways so why not now? Why should I suffer for decades so others can have the satisfaction of proclaiming they talked me down from ctb one time and they are heroes?
Mercy is a concept that is lost on a lot of people. They cannot, and will not, understand because of their narrow view of the world, that one cannot suffer to the point that death is preferable in comparison to their life. It is unfathomable.
We are social creatures that need human connections yet other humans make me feel isolated, alone and further ostracised. I bet you are wondering why I haven't ctb now, and it is because I am trapped and don't want to hurt other people and cause problems by ctb in my current living situation, I would likely get caught and my life would be an even worse hell. Ironic, isn't it.
