"Other people have it worse than you" / "Someone else has it worse than you" (about privileged depression, is there actually such a thing?)

[niki wonoto]

Have you ever being told like that? "Other people have it worse than you", or "Someone else has it worse than you." Or any other variations like that.

Is there actually such a thing as a 'privileged depression' ?

I know/realize that, objectively speaking, there is probably some levels of hardships, difficulties, pain, & sufferings. For example, there are people who probably have 'small' problems, and there are problems who have 'hard' or 'heavy/big' problems; etc etc etc.

I've actually realized myself that my problems are probably just insignificant, small, or petty problems, in other people's eyes. A lot of people actually would even see me as quite a 'privileged' person still. But does that mean I'm not allowed to feel depressed or suicidal? I actually often feel very guilty about this, and as a result, even viewed myself as pathetic 'loser' or 'failure', because of how 'weak' I am (as a 40 years old guy especially)..

I don't know..
What do you all think about this?

 

[leavingsoon99]

It's a standard life warrior tactic to impose the "well at least you're not THAT GUY!!!" narrative. Another way humans tend to structure everything into some type of hierarchy. This is the psychology that insists that, though you lost your job and are going to be homeless soon, "Well, at least you're going to be homeless IN AMERICA!!! Hey, things are looking up for you!!! At least you're not poor in Ghana!!! What a shitshow that'd be... huh!? Life is AWESOME!!!"

It's a coping mechanism. Another way that pro-lifers and life warriors try to rationalize and validate the inequities of life. As if all of the hierarchical bullshit is just natural and the way the universe would have it. I guess if one is looking for some flimsy reason to continue with life, this is as good of an explanation as any. I totally agree with you, though.

 

[thebookofdisquiet]

I think the exact opposite. There's no way to define what is a big or a small problem, think about it: getting pregnant, if you don't want to have children then you'll feel devastated and want to get rid of it, see it as a giant problem. But if it's your biggest desire but you're unable to conceive, then you'll feel devastated and see it as a giant problem. So the pregnancy itself isn't bad or good, it changes based on your view of the situation, how it makes you feel.
So you can't compare problems, you can't compare pain, there's no inherent significance, and you don't have to justify your hurt or your depression, and don't ever let anyone invalidate you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Actually I heard that today already. All individual problems are significant and are valid reasons to consider CTB in the end should there be no other solution for oneself. Our personal "problems" affect us personally in many ways and not others who might have it "worse / better". There is absolutly no reason to feel guilty being suicidal all personal reasons are valid and must be respected. And especially people who actively plan their CTB are neither pathetic nor losers nor failures. They have more courage than many others who say "Other people have it worse than you".

I hope you can find peace the one or the other way!

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

also: whatever your problems are you have a nice spectrum from your worst one to your least problematic one. And that worst one feels like exactly that: the WORST!

 

[todiefor]

you have the right to feel the way you feel, your problems are real and important to u, it's not for others to judge how insignificant they are or how terrible they are, they should care about you and how your problems make you feel.

People unfortunately say "there are people in worse positions" a lot, and it's really dismissive and avoiding and invalidating. It shows they fail to want to care about how your feelings impact you, not wanting to why you feel that way, saying you should feel less. I think people just don't really think before they say something like this, they are not putting themselves in your shoes, it's a failure of empathy, but they may not know that they are doing it, it may not mean they ade intentionally trying to hurt you, but it definitely hurts

 

[Forever Sleep]

I expect we've ALL heard that at some stage in our lives... Even if we weren't actually depressed! Children who don't finish their dinners are made to feel guilty about the starving children in Africa. It's the same sort of thing that's being expressed- BEHAVE better because there are people in the world in a worse situation than you. It's shaming you into doing better.

As for whether it's true- objectively- yes of course it is! Apart from the one unluckiest person on this God forsaken rock- EVERYONE else has someone who has bigger problems than them!

It's such a cruel thing to say though really because it's REALLY an attack on the person's character- your problems aren't the problem at all- it's that YOU are too inferior to cope with them. How is that supposed to motivate someone to feel better?!!

For me though- it's the guilt trip underlying it that REALLY gets to me. I think- maybe it worked better when I was younger. When life and everything that went with life- succeeding in life or- at least making it appear like you are- felt compulsory. When life maybe did feel like more of a competition. I think- as you get older- you start questioning what it is you're competing for.

I think now- it just pisses me off. Because truly- NONE of it is compulsory. All of this criticism comes down to us not measuring up. Whatever it is we're upset about- we're clearly in danger of letting it affect how we perform as a human being. Especially when it comes to becoming financially independant. We basically are taught we HAVE to succeed in order not to become a burden on our parents. Yet- they initiated all of this! They'll even use that phrase refering to themselves: 'You should have tried dealing with some of the things I had to deal with in life.' How is that fair though? If they realised life was so hard- they shouldn't have inflicted it onto their children and just expected them to be ok!

But no- unless you can personally use it to inspire you, I think it's best ignored. Some people will feel inspired by others with tremendous hardships that still do well. It may kind of encourage them into thinking- well- if they can do it- I can at least try. That's different though- that's from within. If it's being imposed- I really don't think it helps. I think the majority of the time- it just puts people's backs up!

 

[020x]

Just because it's better or worse somewhere doesn't mean your pain is worthless. No matter what a person is going through, even if it's something small to us, we should never ignore them. There is a reason why people keep suffering more and more, because no one listens to each other and don't care because they don't know what others are feeling.

 

[Apathy79]

I've said similar things to kids complaining. The point is to break them out of that "poor me" victim spiral over things that are usually trivial. I also use it on myself for the same reason. I have a fridge magnet that says "yours are the worst problems in the entire world!" that I look at when I catch myself complaining and it usually makes me smile and resets me a bit. I also do it with my mates all the time, and they to me. But my friend group is one where complaining is seen as a bit of a character flaw if you do it a lot.

I think it has it's place. But you've gotta read the room a bit and pick where it's appropriate. Sometimes the person hearing it isn't going to like it, especially if they don't know you that well or it's not a normal way you communicate. And it can come off extremely dismissive of their concerns. If someone is genuinely suffering and opening themselves up to you, it's 100% a dick move.

 

[josephk]

The phrase is meaningless. You could just as easily say to someone that's happy "i wouldn't get too cocky! There's always someone better off than you!". It's just a silly psychological trick people used to trick themselves & others into feeling better.

 

[sillygirl]

i find this phrase very stupid, no matter how bad someone has it, there's definitely someone who's going thro worse and i don't think that takes away from any of your experiences, your emotions are valid, your problems are valid, no matter how big or small.
also depression doesn't know privileges, you can be the most privileged person on earth and still have depression bcs maybe you could be genetically predisposed to having it, or for any other reason.
i'm sorry
people who tell you that suck, you're not pathetic.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that wanting to die is always a valid way to feel no matter what, it doesn't matter if other people are technically in more unbearable situations as after all we were all burdened with existence in the first place and none of us are obligated to continue enduring this, no matter the situation we all have our right to die. Saying that "other people have it worse" in order to dismiss someone's suffering is insensitive.

 

[flyaway]

Yes, I've heard it. It's one of those useless statements that most of us already came across. There are definitely SOME PEOPLE who would be happy to be in my position and could easily get over problems similar to mine but that doesn't mean that EVERYONE is like this. What is perceived insignificant by someone could mean the end of the world for me. Each case and each person's reactions to problems are strictly individual which in my opinion means that you always have the right to be suicidal regardless the reason.

 

[gag_order]

I mean it is true, there really are people who are having it far worse than I do, but it all comes down to perception. For me, the tiniest crack shatters the glass because for some reason my brain loves to act like an enemy and gaslight me into thinking dying is the only possible solution when I analyze my life but then mindfuck me by not letting me die with his survival instinct bullshit.

 

[rebelonceagain]

Pain is however You perceive it. If you are struggling then you are struggling. Don't invalidate your own feelings . Take care

 

[Cage]

I think there's some truth to it. Everyone else here is right, but me personally, I know for a fact I have it better than 95% of people on this earth. It's the fact that I can't seem to take advantage of it that is one of the reasons for me wanting to CTB.

I'm just a total loser, even with all my privileged excesses I can't seem to go anywhere. It makes me hate all the privileged people around me too, since they all live in a world where their problems are the only problems and people like you guys here on SS don't exist to them.

I hate the privilege I live in, and I think the only way to tone for this sin I've been birthed with is to CTB. It's just a matter of when I get the balls to do it.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Yes I have had this said to me by a family member. I also do it to myself a lot. Invalidating my own feelings because I am fortunate enough to have what I need to survive. Figuring that someone else is worse off than my own situation so what do I have to complain about. It's sort of like toxic positivity and it creates a giant problem where you feel like you're evil or spoiled for feeling the way you do. And sometimes in all fairness it does help when you're trying to take stock of what you already have in your life and be grateful for it. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad or lacking. It's not a competition with other people. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for being depressed because others may have it worse than you do. Everyone has the right to feel the way they do. Like for example I've seen people talk about how people with a lot of money shouldn't be able to complain about certain things because they can just buy whatever they want to "fix" it. But that old adage about money not buying happiness is the truth. Some problems or voids can't be fixed or filled by throwing money at it. And just because someone has had more opportunities that others haven't doesn't make them any less able to feel sad either. It's ridiculous to try and gatekeep what people can and can't feel based on what circumstances they're dealing with in their life. It's irrelevant. Some people are happy with very little and others are extremely privileged and very depressed. It shouldnt be something people are shamed for

 

[antico]

such rhetoric is blatant guilt tripping and belittling, but those are words of someone who never actually experienced depression and cannot even begin to comprehend what does it mean, how does it feel like to not have the power to live..

 

[vitbar]

I've found the mirror of this problematic before. There was someone on a server I frequented who experienced depression and anxiety. He'd speak about the things making him sad like many others there would. Issue for me was that his life was comparatively great: parents bought him a flat, a car, paid for his uni, paid for quality therapy, solid relationship, good looking etc. This was annoying because other people on there were struggling with homelessness, inaccessible healthcare, parental abandonment, and all sorts of other stuff. Like I know this doesn't invalidate their depression, but having someone frequently post about their amazing life and tell you they are low today because the flat their parents bought them could have been bigger, or the car more sporty really grated when struggling to pay the rent on time.

 

[Seered Doom]

I always HATED that type of sentiment and I hear it so often and it's used to dismiss depressed people and interrupt them. It's such a privileged thing to say in it of itself.

 

[niki wonoto]

I think there's some truth to it. Everyone else here is right, but me personally, I know for a fact I have it better than 95% of people on this earth. It's the fact that I can't seem to take advantage of it that is one of the reasons for me wanting to CTB.

I'm just a total loser, even with all my privileged excesses I can't seem to go anywhere. It makes me hate all the privileged people around me too, since they all live in a world where their problems are the only problems and people like you guys here on SS don't exist to them.

I hate the privilege I live in, and I think the only way to tone for this sin I've been birthed with is to CTB. It's just a matter of when I get the balls to do it.

I deeply relate with this.. thank you

 

[IBM0000]

Yes. It's the type of depression that you get when you pretend to be a victim when you are the one who commited such a heinous crime. Like Sexual Assault or Abuse or Murder or whichever crime leaves a deep scar that will never be healed on another and yet you are sad. That's me, sexually abused 4 out of 5 of my younger siblings. And I dare act sad for something that should get my ass the firing squad after rotting 50 years in death row.