toseeyousmile
Member
- Nov 23, 2020
- 80
At the start of this month my mom had a stroke. Though it was mild and a full recovery is anticipated and she's recovering at a very rapid pace, it was a reminder and was telling of many things.
First of all was the reaction of family members. Everybody from both sides of the family sought out to help her one way or another in at least some major way imo. Based on who sought to help her and the how, as well as the way they went about offering it really has taught me a lot in these past few weeks. For example, some who weren't particularly close to her but understood that she was an important part of the family to many others exchanged pleasantries and offered more tangible ways to help like money. This approach seemed diplomatic to me even, it didn't feel like an interaction between 2 human beings but rather somebody fulfilling a task because of some sense of duty. Closer people like my aunt for example, people which she could confided in provided support and comfort the others couldn't offer. Though naturally that would make sense the intriguing part about this was when they were talking to her, even if it was only though facetiming, you can sense hesitancy in their tone. Naturally since she's got a stroke they wouldn't want to say anything that would trigger anything that would stress her out. This applied especially so for my dad. To give some context, I'm Indonesian so my family's got super Asian values and my dad especially so. Cares about school, pride, etc. Etc. So this event was telling of his character. Ever since, he's treated my mom differently, rather than a husband and wife, he sees their relationship as him, the one with the duty to take care of everything and my mom, one of the ones that needs to be taken care of. We are also Muslims, which in this case doesn't help because as you guys prolly know Islam is a pretty sexist religion and women are looked as nowhere near being equals to men. So that compounded by his already super strict "man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" type of values, it's shown me he doesn't even see her as anywhere near an equal.
And then there's my sister, she wasn't very dependable either in this situation as she too just like my dad panicked and so she was mostly concerned of her wellbeing in this situation. Well given that she's young and isn't particularly mature frankly for her age, it's fine imo, people can't help themselves that's just how they are. She and my dad couldn't truly see the reality of the state of my mother, they were too concerned about whether or not it was their fault and stuff that they've failed to see what worries her and what she needed. Well humans are like that ig what can you do lol.
And then there's me. Out of everybody in the world the closest person to my mother is me, though I don't know everything I know the most out of everybody else, her secrets, the secrets other have confided to her, her thoughts, how she would think in a given situation and how to approach certain situations. And so naturally we have a very tight mother and son bond. It's unfortunate really, though she knows a lot about me, raised me, she's missing the reason on why I'm on this site. Other than the scare of me losing her when she had the stroke, this event was telling of my character as well, that I too am self-centred. I naturally thought stuff like "I wasn't doing enough" and stuff but the reality of the situation and since I knew what was most likely going through her mind then those thoughts didn't affect me as much as I thought they would. What this situation also taught me was that I was scared more of losing her life than mine, but the thing is if I ctb I know for sure either a) she's gonna think about ctb herself or b) idk if recovery for her mental is possible. Though I'm hesitant, I still think with 100% certainty ctb is the right decision for me in the long run, I've screwed over my life too badly.
21 turning 22 this year, flunked out of uni and now in college and flunking this now too. 0 motivation, 0 ambition, no direction, no self-esteem. Life is fixable in due time with enough effort I can see it but am I?
Idk what I need to do to get good brain chemistry, maybe amphetamines but I'm p sure they're bad in the long run, my friend in a similar situation as me said when he tried em he was productive, motivated and fulfilled, the happiest he's ever been it's like some kinda cheat in life really. But maybe the values of society don't reside within me so what does? I think humans and life in general is pretty tragic, not just for me in particular but just all of humanity, we all try to cling on something but for what? No reason but I mean you don't really need a reason for anything if you're just doing it because you're happy right? I don't think that made sense. I think the most accurate portrayal of how I see life or at least my life personally is this page from punpun
The metaphor of a sky glider, of how no matter how much it struggles, it will always come back down. I think this is what life in general is about. With how the world is and how it's always been, it can also be accurately described in a quote by Osamu Dazai from no longer human, "what matters is the then and there." That's what humans are concerned about, what they cling onto, this goes all the way and explains the root of how life is just repetition. What I mean by this is how, think of how you were like as a kid, doesn't matter if you were the funny one the weird one, the popular one, quiet one etc. Now there'll be a million of similar to you and there will come a million more, now think of how you got to where you are in life now, your journey, your trials and tribulations, the sum of your experiences they could be good, average, bad, weird somebody can, will and have related to your experiences, the sum of your experiences. This cycle of suffering, of life, of experiences, there's no rhyme or reason for them, they just are, which is why I think humanity and life are tragic, unlucky tbh...
But at the end of the day, idk anything, the reality is that I'm just a 20 something year old with barely any life experience or wisdom I've truly learned and experienced myself so I'm sure even these beliefs will change somehow eventually.
First of all was the reaction of family members. Everybody from both sides of the family sought out to help her one way or another in at least some major way imo. Based on who sought to help her and the how, as well as the way they went about offering it really has taught me a lot in these past few weeks. For example, some who weren't particularly close to her but understood that she was an important part of the family to many others exchanged pleasantries and offered more tangible ways to help like money. This approach seemed diplomatic to me even, it didn't feel like an interaction between 2 human beings but rather somebody fulfilling a task because of some sense of duty. Closer people like my aunt for example, people which she could confided in provided support and comfort the others couldn't offer. Though naturally that would make sense the intriguing part about this was when they were talking to her, even if it was only though facetiming, you can sense hesitancy in their tone. Naturally since she's got a stroke they wouldn't want to say anything that would trigger anything that would stress her out. This applied especially so for my dad. To give some context, I'm Indonesian so my family's got super Asian values and my dad especially so. Cares about school, pride, etc. Etc. So this event was telling of his character. Ever since, he's treated my mom differently, rather than a husband and wife, he sees their relationship as him, the one with the duty to take care of everything and my mom, one of the ones that needs to be taken care of. We are also Muslims, which in this case doesn't help because as you guys prolly know Islam is a pretty sexist religion and women are looked as nowhere near being equals to men. So that compounded by his already super strict "man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" type of values, it's shown me he doesn't even see her as anywhere near an equal.
And then there's my sister, she wasn't very dependable either in this situation as she too just like my dad panicked and so she was mostly concerned of her wellbeing in this situation. Well given that she's young and isn't particularly mature frankly for her age, it's fine imo, people can't help themselves that's just how they are. She and my dad couldn't truly see the reality of the state of my mother, they were too concerned about whether or not it was their fault and stuff that they've failed to see what worries her and what she needed. Well humans are like that ig what can you do lol.
And then there's me. Out of everybody in the world the closest person to my mother is me, though I don't know everything I know the most out of everybody else, her secrets, the secrets other have confided to her, her thoughts, how she would think in a given situation and how to approach certain situations. And so naturally we have a very tight mother and son bond. It's unfortunate really, though she knows a lot about me, raised me, she's missing the reason on why I'm on this site. Other than the scare of me losing her when she had the stroke, this event was telling of my character as well, that I too am self-centred. I naturally thought stuff like "I wasn't doing enough" and stuff but the reality of the situation and since I knew what was most likely going through her mind then those thoughts didn't affect me as much as I thought they would. What this situation also taught me was that I was scared more of losing her life than mine, but the thing is if I ctb I know for sure either a) she's gonna think about ctb herself or b) idk if recovery for her mental is possible. Though I'm hesitant, I still think with 100% certainty ctb is the right decision for me in the long run, I've screwed over my life too badly.
21 turning 22 this year, flunked out of uni and now in college and flunking this now too. 0 motivation, 0 ambition, no direction, no self-esteem. Life is fixable in due time with enough effort I can see it but am I?
Idk what I need to do to get good brain chemistry, maybe amphetamines but I'm p sure they're bad in the long run, my friend in a similar situation as me said when he tried em he was productive, motivated and fulfilled, the happiest he's ever been it's like some kinda cheat in life really. But maybe the values of society don't reside within me so what does? I think humans and life in general is pretty tragic, not just for me in particular but just all of humanity, we all try to cling on something but for what? No reason but I mean you don't really need a reason for anything if you're just doing it because you're happy right? I don't think that made sense. I think the most accurate portrayal of how I see life or at least my life personally is this page from punpun
The metaphor of a sky glider, of how no matter how much it struggles, it will always come back down. I think this is what life in general is about. With how the world is and how it's always been, it can also be accurately described in a quote by Osamu Dazai from no longer human, "what matters is the then and there." That's what humans are concerned about, what they cling onto, this goes all the way and explains the root of how life is just repetition. What I mean by this is how, think of how you were like as a kid, doesn't matter if you were the funny one the weird one, the popular one, quiet one etc. Now there'll be a million of similar to you and there will come a million more, now think of how you got to where you are in life now, your journey, your trials and tribulations, the sum of your experiences they could be good, average, bad, weird somebody can, will and have related to your experiences, the sum of your experiences. This cycle of suffering, of life, of experiences, there's no rhyme or reason for them, they just are, which is why I think humanity and life are tragic, unlucky tbh...
But at the end of the day, idk anything, the reality is that I'm just a 20 something year old with barely any life experience or wisdom I've truly learned and experienced myself so I'm sure even these beliefs will change somehow eventually.
