There's so much I genuinely want to live for.
I want a loving wife and a family. I want to pursue my passion for music and art, not just as a hobby, but as something real. I want to become the man I never had in my life. I want good friends, friends who understand me in a way that makes me feel truly seen. And I want to be there for people too, to comfort them, to support them, to be someone safe.
But even with all of that, I have zero motivation.
I can see a small sliver of potential in myself, and I constantly dream about what life could be like if I actually reached it but I can't bring myself to start. I can't bring myself to do anything meaningful. It's like I want my dreams more than anything, but at the same time I also want relief from the pain of living. I hate living like a zombie… but it's all I've known for so long that it feels normal.
And the worst part is this: what if I do reach my potential and it still isn't enough?
What if I put in all that time and energy, only to end up disappointed anyway, like I wasted my life chasing something that never really fixes the emptiness? I'm terrified of death, but not because I love life right now. More because I haven't done what I wanted with my life. I haven't become who I know I could be.
But then there's the contradiction: I don't want to die, yet I also don't want to do anything to live properly.
And on top of that, I'm scared: what if hell is real? I don't want eternal suffering just because I chose to leave a life I didn't even ask for in the first place.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel confused, stuck, and lost inside myself.
I want a loving wife and a family. I want to pursue my passion for music and art, not just as a hobby, but as something real. I want to become the man I never had in my life. I want good friends, friends who understand me in a way that makes me feel truly seen. And I want to be there for people too, to comfort them, to support them, to be someone safe.
But even with all of that, I have zero motivation.
I can see a small sliver of potential in myself, and I constantly dream about what life could be like if I actually reached it but I can't bring myself to start. I can't bring myself to do anything meaningful. It's like I want my dreams more than anything, but at the same time I also want relief from the pain of living. I hate living like a zombie… but it's all I've known for so long that it feels normal.
And the worst part is this: what if I do reach my potential and it still isn't enough?
What if I put in all that time and energy, only to end up disappointed anyway, like I wasted my life chasing something that never really fixes the emptiness? I'm terrified of death, but not because I love life right now. More because I haven't done what I wanted with my life. I haven't become who I know I could be.
But then there's the contradiction: I don't want to die, yet I also don't want to do anything to live properly.
And on top of that, I'm scared: what if hell is real? I don't want eternal suffering just because I chose to leave a life I didn't even ask for in the first place.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel confused, stuck, and lost inside myself.
