Only living for another

[SleeplessDreamer]

I've been a lurker on here for a while now, though I wonder what you guys would think of my situation. I probably would have ctb a few years ago, but the thought of "Oh this person would feel so guilty I couldn't..." or "If I do it now I won't be able to make sure this person will turn out ok..." kept me around. Those people are all gone, the ones that really matter at least, except one... the worst culprit. They're one of the kindest people you could ever meet and genuinely cares, I'm even living with him now after getting effectively booted from my parents. They know all about what I'd like to do though they're pretty soft in that aspect and obviously gets really upset if I talk like that. Eventually I got hit with the "If you go I go too" and there's no chance they're bluffing... They love me and it's mutual, but I don't feel the same as my old relationships, I've got nothing left to give, I'm burnt out in every way shape and form, and I feel like I'm past my due date, living on borrowed time. I feel like I'm withering, I just wish I could hug them one last time, tell them they'll be ok and that I'll be happier now that I can finally sleep. I just want to rest, I want to dream of what could have been...

Sorry if this was worded weird, despite sleep I just constantly feel like I'm running on fumes, thanks for taking the time to read.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to your situation a great deal. Although, the person I'm holding on for is my Dad. But, I relate in the way that I'm not who I was. So- there's not much they could even do to support me. So- it's staying here not because we feel well supportive and loved- and want to honour that. Even though I'm sure they would provide that if they could. It's more like being tethered here because we can't move beyond the guilt of what our suicide would do to them.

What's more unkind is, I also feel resentment towards my Dad- which I'm trying my best to conceal. That I was born to begin with, that my upbringing put me in danger and that he expects me to be normal and thrive. It's a complicated mixture of emotions and concealment.

I'm sorry you are suffering and in this difficult situation. On the one hand, we are lucky to have people who care for us I know. On the other though- it's hard to describe. I almost feel like my Dad loves the symbolic me or- the old me. I can only relate to that person partly now though. Enough to honour that relationship.

I often feel like people here have their foot in the door between life and death. It's hard to be really present in this life to even feel the benefit from those who care about us when we're not fully here in spirit. That's my experience of it anyway.

 

[StryngerX]

I feel like this to, if wasnt for my wife, i would have ctb a long time ago already, but things are getting on track, we're breaking up soon, already have talked to her, it will be hard for her at first, but im sure she will realise that its gonna be better without me after some time. Then im good to go.