Venting Only about 24 hours left now. Embarrassed to say I'm scared more than anything

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I'm going to hopefully give myself the entire night to go through with it when I feel like it, but generally speaking, 24 hours from now I'll be dead.

I never really struggled too hard with SI, but right now alarm bells are going off in my head. I think my lizard-brain was just in a state of disbelief. It kind of felt like this was just another fantasy to make myself feel better, but finalizing my note, leaving things where I want people to find them, filling in the details of my plan. It's all becoming extremely real, and to be honest, I'm really fucking scared. I've been planning this for months, but now I just can't shake the feeling that I should just give up. Delete my note. Sleep in tomorrow. Just say fuck it to this whole thing and pretend it never happened.

I know that's a stupid idea. I'm sure it would feel great the first few days or weeks, having this weight lifted off my shoulders, but as time goes on the same dread and emptiness would creep in and I'd be back at square one. It's just that I'm not as collected as I thought I'd be, and it's making me really apprehensive. I made a promise to myself I would never CTB impulsively, that I'd wait until I was extremely confident in my decision, and now this last-minute anxiety is throwing me for a loop.

God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant. I've done enough fucking contemplating. I need to power through to the finish line. I just want this to be over.

 

[onleana]

im really sorry you are suffering so much. i would suggest giving yourself a day or two more to think it thru. whatever you decide i wish you peace

 

[Elegy]

OP when is the last time you had a good night's rest?

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

im really sorry you are suffering so much. i would suggest giving yourself a day or two more to think it thru. whatever you decide i wish you peace

Ever since I started planning, I've been afraid that if I keep moving the deadline too much I'll just keep putting it off until I lose all momentum and possibly never attempt again, but I'm actually giving waiting a day or two some thought right now. At the very least it'll give me a few days to revise my note which I procrastinated writing until now. Maybe I also need some time to stew with this new found fear to truly "be at peace" or whatever. Fuck. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

OP when is the last time you had a good night's rest?

Christ, don't even ask me that question lol. I feel like one day when I was like fifteen I woke up feeling really groggy and then that feeling of lethargy and malaise just never went away. I think at this my best hope for a good night's sleep is the one I don't wake up from.

 

[motel rooms]

God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant.

Don't be so hard on yourself, nobody's suicide is pleasant. It's perfectly normal to be scared.

 

[Elegy]

Christ, don't even ask me that question lol.

yeah but still. I am asking. When was the last time, you had a good night's rest? Give me a straight answer.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

yeah but still. I am asking. When was the last time, you had a good night's rest? Give me a straight answer.

I mean, I don't know. I usually get 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night, but no matter what I still feel exhausted regardless of how much or how consistent my sleeping hours are. So I guess depending how you define a "good night's rest" it's either been since last night or, like I said, a very long time. Maybe a day or two in the past year that I'm forgetting where I felt a bit less drained but nothing dramatic.

 

[MyBrokenBrain]

Tom Myers fan? You know we're everywhere.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

You could sleep in tomorrow and go to a convenience store and buy a rotten old banana. Maybe listen to a podcast, there's no rush to do anything.

 

[plough22]

I'm going to hopefully give myself the entire night to go through with it when I feel like it, but generally speaking, 24 hours from now I'll be dead.

I never really struggled too hard with SI, but right now alarm bells are going off in my head. I think my lizard-brain was just in a state of disbelief. It kind of felt like this was just another fantasy to make myself feel better, but finalizing my note, leaving things where I want people to find them, filling in the details of my plan. It's all becoming extremely real, and to be honest, I'm really fucking scared. I've been planning this for months, but now I just can't shake the feeling that I should just give up. Delete my note. Sleep in tomorrow. Just say fuck it to this whole thing and pretend it never happened.

I know that's a stupid idea. I'm sure it would feel great the first few days or weeks, having this weight lifted off my shoulders, but as time goes on the same dread and emptiness would creep in and I'd be back at square one. It's just that I'm not as collected as I thought I'd be, and it's making me really apprehensive. I made a promise to myself I would never CTB impulsively, that I'd wait until I was extremely confident in my decision, and now this last-minute anxiety is throwing me for a loop.

God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant. I've done enough fucking contemplating. I need to power through to the finish line. I just want this to be over.

Give yourself time, it's hard to get over the SI, failing is what keeps me, but I know there will come a time, have it all ready. I assume I'll go through the same you are that I have in the past. Must decide to or continue living. If in doubt at all, take your days, get some help, look for someone to talk to

 

[FuneralCry]

Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[miserableforever]

I'm going to hopefully give myself the entire night to go through with it when I feel like it, but generally speaking, 24 hours from now I'll be dead.

I never really struggled too hard with SI, but right now alarm bells are going off in my head. I think my lizard-brain was just in a state of disbelief. It kind of felt like this was just another fantasy to make myself feel better, but finalizing my note, leaving things where I want people to find them, filling in the details of my plan. It's all becoming extremely real, and to be honest, I'm really fucking scared. I've been planning this for months, but now I just can't shake the feeling that I should just give up. Delete my note. Sleep in tomorrow. Just say fuck it to this whole thing and pretend it never happened.

I know that's a stupid idea. I'm sure it would feel great the first few days or weeks, having this weight lifted off my shoulders, but as time goes on the same dread and emptiness would creep in and I'd be back at square one. It's just that I'm not as collected as I thought I'd be, and it's making me really apprehensive. I made a promise to myself I would never CTB impulsively, that I'd wait until I was extremely confident in my decision, and now this last-minute anxiety is throwing me for a loop.

God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant. I've done enough fucking contemplating. I need to power through to the finish line. I just want this to be over.

Not like I know the answer, but don't make yourself feel bad for delaying.

 

[Crazy4u]

CTB is never urgent. don't be hard on yourself

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

Didn't do it. Not sure I feel good about it. Barely got out of bed all day.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. It's all that's kept me going for weeks. Then it's like the bottom fell out last night. Hopefully I find the strength in the next few days but right now I can barely leave my room. I feel like shit.

 

[onleana]

Didn't do it. Not sure I feel good about it. Barely got out of bed all day.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. It's all that's kept me going for weeks. Then it's like the bottom fell out last night. Hopefully I find the strength in the next few days but right now I can barely leave my room. I feel like shit.

im really glad you're here with us

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

It'll happen when the time is right, OP. ♥

 

[Anxieyote]

Didn't do it. Not sure I feel good about it. Barely got out of bed all day.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. It's all that's kept me going for weeks. Then it's like the bottom fell out last night. Hopefully I find the strength in the next few days but right now I can barely leave my room. I feel like shit.

The last thing I'd want is for my suicide to be a fearful and anxiety-inducing experience, so I think you made the right call.

 

[motel rooms]

Didn't do it. Not sure I feel good about it. Barely got out of bed all day.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. It's all that's kept me going for weeks. Then it's like the bottom fell out last night. Hopefully I find the strength in the next few days but right now I can barely leave my room. I feel like shit.

Don't beat yourself up, you're only human. It's normal to be scared, it's normal to change your mind, you don't owe anyone any explanations.

The last thing I'd want is for my suicide to be a fearful and anxiety-inducing experience

Yeah, but is it realistic to think it's possible to ctb without experiencing a certain amount of anxiety & fear?

 

[MyBrokenBrain]

Didn't do it. Not sure I feel good about it. Barely got out of bed all day.

I was so sure this was what I wanted. It's all that's kept me going for weeks. Then it's like the bottom fell out last night. Hopefully I find the strength in the next few days but right now I can barely leave my room. I feel like shit.

I'm happy you're still with us.

You post at the org or on Reddit?

 

[PeacefulTonic]

OP when is the last time you had a good night's rest?

Underrated question. Sleeping on it has made me clear my head and delayed attempts at impulsively ctbing one too many times