Venting One of the worst things I've done

[fleetingnight]

I'm dating someone, and I'm awful to them. I can hardly bring myself to talk to them. They're a great person who deserves a loving, attentive, caring partner, which I'm not. I try to talk to them once a day at least, but it's hard. It shouldn't be hard just to talk to someone I think is nice. But I find it hard to talk to any person. And it's not like I can tell them how I feel, and I don't even want them to know, so I have to put up a mask. They're a really cheerful and energetic person, so I have to find the last little bit of energy I have to sound just as excited and happy as they are to see me. For months I've been trying just to ignore my needs and do whatever they want, to make up for it, but it's still not enough. I still barely do a thing for them. I fail at the simplest things, even "just talk to your girlfriend." I barely ever support them. I'm so wrapped up in my own stupid thoughts that I can hardly pay attention to anybody else. I should have never gotten into a relationship and I knew it, it was selfish to say yes. I'm trying to give them things and be really supportive before I breakup, but I'm so bad at it, I know it seems like I don't care at all

I really am an awful person. I hate people who do things like this. Lead people on. I hate it. But, even though I know it's inevitable, the thought of hurting them when we break up has kept me from it. I don't know why my stupid ass ever agreed to dating someone, when I knew I couldn't do it. That feels evil of me.

I'll probably need to cut them off even as a friend, so they don't mourn me when I die. It's the least I can do to not hurt them one last time.

And, I'm not asking people to tell me it's not awful. I know it is. Neglecting your partner is awful no matter how depressed you are, I have no excuses.

I'll think of a way to punish myself for this soon, somebody has to. I'm thinking about taking away my pain meds for a while, but I can't rly do anything (work etc.) without them, and I have responsibilities. I wish I could push through it and work while suffering, maybe I'll at least try to. It's probably less pain than I'm putting them in.

 

[dental]

i don't have any advice to give, but at least know you're not alone in this because this has been my exact situation lately too. i'm awful at replying or contacting my significant other when i'm so deep into my depression, combined with executive dysfunction, that i end up ignoring them for periods of time that i feel absolutely awful about. i don't know the answer as to how much grace to give the depressed person in this situation, because i can't have an objective opinion, but tldr i absolutely get it