That's Not Me
A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
- Sep 14, 2022
- 108
I felt the need to create a new thread to post my thoughts. I don't do this for anyone to read, just to organize my head in an attempt not to go crazy, so just go back to doing what you were doing before you made the mistake of clicking on this post. Feel free to vent too though. Isn't that why we are all here?
Every time I get the feeling that something is different I am convinced otherwise by my own head. My own head won't let me sleep. I am writing this after having taken sleeping pills, but the thoughts speak much louder than any medication. The thoughts are screaming in my head, and it is no longer any help to escape. I can't erase many things from the past and they keep coming back as involuntary flashbacks, they are phrases that were said, things that were done (or not done), thoughts I had or even simply concepts too abstract to be manifested in words for me. I also can't shut up the fears that scream deep in the back of my mind. It's as if the past and the future are one on each side of me, pounding cymbals like monkeys as hard as they can and screaming, and I'm trying to cover my ears with my fingers and closing my eyes as hard as I can to try to escape. The worst thing is that when I manage to concentrate enough to not hear all of this and get away, I feel dead, as if the only way my soul can handle it is to leave my body on earth and go have a few beers in heaven, probably complaining and trying to get a better place for when she has no more body to come back to. I don't blame it, it's just preparing for the most likely thing, but running away like this increases the chances that it has a reason to do this. It's paradoxical in a certain way. It's exhausting to try to run away too. It is so exhausting that there is no energy left for anything else. The things that get me out of bed in the morning no longer have the same impact as before, actually, they have almost no impact at all anymore. I'm one step away from spending the day in bed and I'm so exhausted that I'm not that scared of it anymore. I go many weeks without thinking seriously about it, so as not to get a confirmation bias, but the truth is that I can't escape the cycle. It is everything all over again. I'm tired of swimming against the tide. I'm also tired of trying to be helped. Opening myself up requires a lot of energy, and I don't know where else to get energy from.
That's it. Strangely writing this didn't do me as much good as it usually does either. Maybe it became confusing because I'm kind of doped up. If you have read this far, don't feel pity for me, nothing I go through is that bad, and feeling pity is mean and cruel. I have no idea if things will change for me, but I hope they will change for the better for you. Stay in peace. Love and mercy.
"Oh Lord I lay me down
No life's left to be found
There's nothing left for me"
Every time I get the feeling that something is different I am convinced otherwise by my own head. My own head won't let me sleep. I am writing this after having taken sleeping pills, but the thoughts speak much louder than any medication. The thoughts are screaming in my head, and it is no longer any help to escape. I can't erase many things from the past and they keep coming back as involuntary flashbacks, they are phrases that were said, things that were done (or not done), thoughts I had or even simply concepts too abstract to be manifested in words for me. I also can't shut up the fears that scream deep in the back of my mind. It's as if the past and the future are one on each side of me, pounding cymbals like monkeys as hard as they can and screaming, and I'm trying to cover my ears with my fingers and closing my eyes as hard as I can to try to escape. The worst thing is that when I manage to concentrate enough to not hear all of this and get away, I feel dead, as if the only way my soul can handle it is to leave my body on earth and go have a few beers in heaven, probably complaining and trying to get a better place for when she has no more body to come back to. I don't blame it, it's just preparing for the most likely thing, but running away like this increases the chances that it has a reason to do this. It's paradoxical in a certain way. It's exhausting to try to run away too. It is so exhausting that there is no energy left for anything else. The things that get me out of bed in the morning no longer have the same impact as before, actually, they have almost no impact at all anymore. I'm one step away from spending the day in bed and I'm so exhausted that I'm not that scared of it anymore. I go many weeks without thinking seriously about it, so as not to get a confirmation bias, but the truth is that I can't escape the cycle. It is everything all over again. I'm tired of swimming against the tide. I'm also tired of trying to be helped. Opening myself up requires a lot of energy, and I don't know where else to get energy from.
That's it. Strangely writing this didn't do me as much good as it usually does either. Maybe it became confusing because I'm kind of doped up. If you have read this far, don't feel pity for me, nothing I go through is that bad, and feeling pity is mean and cruel. I have no idea if things will change for me, but I hope they will change for the better for you. Stay in peace. Love and mercy.
"Oh Lord I lay me down
No life's left to be found
There's nothing left for me"