Venting One last try

[FailerQt.]

I decided to give life one very last chance. (Don't get me wrong, I want to die so incredibly much right now.)

I'm going to try my very best and work on myself in this order - establish myself by finding a stable job - start exercising- enroll in uni - find a therapist that'll actually be a good match - get a job in IT sector - reach out to him and ask for a chance one very last time.
This whole process might take sometime from one year to ??? years. If he rejects me, if I am still not good enough even after all that, even after I become exactly what he wants or if he has a girlfriend at that time, that's when I'll end my life.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank all the nice, wonderful and supportive people out here and hopefully I won't be returning here after few years, if I do that means it didn't work out. I wish everybody best of luck on their journey and (hopefully not) see you again here.

Edit: sticking around a little more to read comments and/or see if someone would like to talk/ask something.

 

[outofbounds]

I think your plan is very admirable. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Zaphkiel]

Doing this means you're worth a lot (not many ppl would do this), a lot worth than someone asking you things that he have no business asking.
He is not worth forcing yourself to do things, and he is not worth your love.
You"'re better than what you give yourself credits for.

You may think of yourself as a "Crazy bish" but in reality, you're the sweetest kind of girl you can ever be.

 

[SVEN]

Vaya con Dios, amiga. Glad to have had the privilege of sharing this part of your journey. Every good wish and blessing as you move on.
Sven.

 

[FailerQt.]

Doing this means you're worth a lot (not many ppl would do this), a lot worth than someone asking you things that he have no business asking.
He is not worth forcing yourself to do things, and he is not worth your love.
You"'re better than what you give yourself credits for.

You may think of yourself as a "Crazy bish" but in reality, you're the sweetest kind of girl you can ever be.

Thank you so much for your kind words. In fact I have always been suicidal but never before wanted to actually go through with it and kill myself when someone rejected me or when we broke up, but he is different. I believe him to be the love of my life and I'd just do anything for him. I'd give him the world if I could. I've loved him for nearly three years now wishing I could just spend my life with him as his partner, nothing else. I don't care about the material things or fame, this is really all I want from life.

 

[derpyderpins]

Good luck.

I'm tempted to talk about fixating on one person as your goal, but if that is motivating you I'm not going to touch it.

I do want to say that the road to getting better will always come with setbacks: bad days, falling into old habits, etc. So, when you see yourself make any progress, even a little ('I feel a little more energy today,' 'The air actually feels a little nice today,' 'today was successful at uni/work, so right now I know I can do it') be sure to take note of it for when the setback happens so you can remind yourself that you've proven improvement is possible.

Wishing you the best.

 

[FailerQt.]

I do want to say that the road to getting better will always come with setbacks: bad days, falling into old habits, etc. So, when you see yourself make any progress, even a little ('I feel a little more energy today,' 'The air actually feels a little nice today,' 'today was successful at uni/work, so right now I know I can do it') be sure to take note of it for when the setback happens so you can remind yourself that you've proven improvement is possible.

Thank you for this advice, never thought about doing this, this is massive!

 

[fallingtopieces]

Your post lifted my mood. I started writing some advice but i'm just going to say, rock on. You can do this.

 

[tiredash]

it makes me jealous and it hurts that someone has someone that loves him so much... it makes me feel even more worthless... nobody ever loved me...

 

[FailerQt.]

it makes me jealous and it hurts that someone has someone that loves him so much... it makes me feel even more worthless... nobody ever loved me...

He rejected me, always. He rejected me two years ago and he rejected me again, I'm not good enough and I doubt I'll ever be, but only one way to find out. At least I won't have to worry about not being able to afford my way out for third rejection in the future.

 

[tiredash]

I could understand if there was mutual love but something happened. But if he always rejected you, i see no point, he will always reject you whatever you do. And supposing he doesnt reject you, the every day life sounds incompatible too...

I had platonic "love" before where my brain screams me that he wants a specific girl, but I know for damn sure that even if by some miracle that girl wanted me back, we would still be incompatible and would make NO sense whatsoever.

I do not want to frustrate your attempt at life at all. If anything, id just want you to focus in a good direction because this is just going to end in one way. You already know it... There are plenty of men out there. Even more, there are surely other men exactly like him or even better....

Still, even with all that, i cant help but being very jealous and sad when I see somebody being wanted...

 

[FailerQt.]

I could understand if there was mutual love but something happened. But if he always rejected you, i see no point, he will always reject you whatever you do. And supposing he doesnt reject you, the every day life sounds incompatible too...

I had platonic "love" before where my brain screams me that he wants a specific girl, but I know for damn sure that even if by some miracle that girl wanted me back, we would still be incompatible and would make NO sense whatsoever.

I do not want to frustrate your attempt at life at all. If anything, id just want you to focus in a good direction because this is just going to end in one way. You already know it... There are plenty of men out there. Even more, there are surely other men exactly like him or even better....

Still, even with all that, i cant help but being very jealous and sad when I see somebody being wanted...

The thing is we are way too compatible, we are always getting along in almost every regard in real life. Two years ago I never thought I'd even be able to meet him again, let alone kiss him and all of that happened just before last Christmas. I thought there wasn't a chance to even talk normally ever again, but that's what we were able to do, well at least until the point when it started hurting me again.
The way he expressed himself towards me, showed me his warmth, concerns and genuine care tells me it could work of I probably didn't wast last two year planning my way out and instead did what this post says. I know exact reasons why he chose someone else and I am simply going to work out on them. He is still only interested in her, doesn't mean it'll work out between them. People say "3rd time's a charm" so I really want to keep that decision as a very last resort. I don't know, maybe I am just looking for excuses why I shouldn't CTB because I am just a coward despite knowing of peaceful and painless methods. But is that really a bad thing? Who knows, I might find something else to live for on this journey, just like I never knew or thought I'd be able to kiss him in my life.
I know there are a lot more men in the world and in fact I've tried to be with one already, but guess how that ended. I started wishing it was *him* with me instead of the man I was with despite being initially really interested into him.

 

[tiredash]

idk what to say... You have it figured out.,

I'll just end up killing myself instead as I'm destined to be alone forever and suffer a lot for it..

 

[FailerQt.]

idk what to say... You have it figured out.,

I'll just end up killing myself instead as I'm destined to be alone forever and suffer a lot for it..

I don't have it figured out, I really wish I could out myself this exact moment, but have no means to do so peacefully right now. So this it the last straw of hope I am holding onto, if that one snaps, I'll also gone. I also believe I am destined to be forever alone, I don't know why I keep clinging to life so much.

But that's your choice to make, I can only wish you a peaceful journey and hope you find happiness where you're going.

 

[AuroraB]

Sorry you feel your life is so affected by a dude. I'm only one example of millions of single women over 50 but I promise you that most romantic relationships crash and burn and the best way to get through life is to DEcenter them. So many videos on youtube (etc) about DEcentering romantic love. It's hard in our teens, 20s, and maybe up to mid-30s when hormones are raging and romantic love feels like the most important thing ...but we age out of it. Big time. I hope you find contentment with or WITHOUT this dude. If you live into and beyond 30s, you will absolutely hit some time when you won't even remember what you wanted/needed from him in the 1st place. I promise.

 

[FailerQt.]

Sorry you feel your life is so affected by a dude. I'm only one example of millions of single women over 50 but I promise you that most romantic relationships crash and burn and the best way to get through life is to DEcenter them. So many videos on youtube (etc) about DEcentering romantic love. It's hard in our teens, 20s, and maybe up to mid-30s when hormones are raging and romantic love feels like the most important thing ...but we age out of it. Big time. I hope you find contentment with or WITHOUT this dude. If you live into and beyond 30s, you will absolutely hit some time when you won't even remember what you wanted/needed from him in the 1st place. I promise.

Thank you for you kind words. But honestly I might not live up to 30. It all depends on whether I get an alright job I'd like to do. And even after making this decision I posted, I still considering just restocking what I lost and going through with it when I can financially afford it.

 

[SunriseParabellum]

It sounds like you got a solid plan worked out. A year is a good amount of time too, I hope this person realizes and recognizes the lengths you're going through for him (even just staying alive day to day when you don't want to shows a lot of determination), or that in that time something else can come up to bring you the happiness you need to keep going. But whatever you decide and however things play out, I wish you the best and I hope you find true peace.

 

[NegevChina]

Wish you luck and success!

 

[squidsponge]

Hey I'm really happy for you I wish you all the best, and wanted to know the process of getting into this positive shift or how it happened? Is it because this person gives you purpose

 

[FailerQt.]

Hey I'm really happy for you I wish you all the best, and wanted to know the process of getting into this positive shift or how it happened? Is it because this person gives you purpose

Honestly, despite making this post I am still somewhat stuck. On one hand I want to try my best for the last time and see and on the other I just want to off myself as soon as he gets a gf and honestly, I might even do that.
I wouldn't really call it a positive shift, he didn't promise to give me a chance after I acquire all of that so there's still that uncertainty of potentially wasted time and more suffering ahead.

 

[squidsponge]

there's still that uncertainty of potentially wasted time and more suffering ahead.

Regardless it's a step that involves a lot of effort and courage so even at the end of the day if there's some positive, which there will be, that comes out of it just for you rather than them then that's great