Eyler
Cingulomania spark
- Aug 11, 2023
- 40
Maybe I'm really going crazy— My thoughts are rapid, my breathing and everything I do is wrong, everyone and everything is wrong. I stress myself over anything, both online and in real life over seriously everything.
I can't get help. I can't seek help. I'm too scared. And they will ruin me. Everyone will.
I don't know who I am anymore I just change all the sudden and don't reconize myself and feel weird— until I come into sense again. I can't talk to my friends without feeling terrible if they said bad news beforehand because it totally ruins my head in the first place and fucks me up on what I'm doing and I don't know why it does that. The moment someone is doing not so great, my brain is screaming at me to support, advice and help them and to harm myself as worse as possible as I can.
It screams to hurt me, screams to hurt someone or anything, to tear to cry.
I wish I could get angry and let my emotions out maybe that's the issue. I haven't been able to get angry for my whole life and it kills me.
I wish 8 year old me wouldn't hurt his poor head over and over each time they felt the slightest tint of anger because they thought it was wrong to feel emotion— thought it was wrong because they only wanted their mother to give them attention.
I'm exhausted mentally and physically, so why the hell haven't I collapsed yet? Why the hell am I still here?
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'm going to eventually going to lose it and kill someone. Or I don't know. I don't know.
My head and my body will eventually burst and turn into a rotten flower, I know it.
Being kind is so complicated when you're trying to help yourself to at least have the bit part of you even if you have nothing left anymore of what is so called, Me.
I can't get help. I can't seek help. I'm too scared. And they will ruin me. Everyone will.
I don't know who I am anymore I just change all the sudden and don't reconize myself and feel weird— until I come into sense again. I can't talk to my friends without feeling terrible if they said bad news beforehand because it totally ruins my head in the first place and fucks me up on what I'm doing and I don't know why it does that. The moment someone is doing not so great, my brain is screaming at me to support, advice and help them and to harm myself as worse as possible as I can.
It screams to hurt me, screams to hurt someone or anything, to tear to cry.
I wish I could get angry and let my emotions out maybe that's the issue. I haven't been able to get angry for my whole life and it kills me.
I wish 8 year old me wouldn't hurt his poor head over and over each time they felt the slightest tint of anger because they thought it was wrong to feel emotion— thought it was wrong because they only wanted their mother to give them attention.
I'm exhausted mentally and physically, so why the hell haven't I collapsed yet? Why the hell am I still here?
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'm going to eventually going to lose it and kill someone. Or I don't know. I don't know.
My head and my body will eventually burst and turn into a rotten flower, I know it.
Being kind is so complicated when you're trying to help yourself to at least have the bit part of you even if you have nothing left anymore of what is so called, Me.
