Venting Once you are completely broken, you can't be fixed.

[Emptied_soul]

I've suffered so much and i've experienced so many bad things in my life that i've been left completely broken and i don't believe i will ever become a normal person again or have a normal life at all, i'm numb, i feel like a robot devoid of emotions and that there's no help left for me, i cannot be fixed. I hit rock bottom a long time ago and even if i feel like things have improved somewhat, I still feel like i should give up, i'm tired and what's the point of fighting if i have no motivation. I'm a broken person and even if i tried to fix everything i don't think i'd be able to do it, it would require an insane ammount of effort and strenght, and that's something i lack, I just want this shit to be over and finally get some rest. At this point it would be easier to just die and start anew in another life than trying to fix this mess of a life i got into.

Also i don't understand why do i deserve to experience all this pain? What the fuck did i do to deserve all this bad luck? Why do i have to struggle everyday for being trans? Why do i have to struggle with anxiety, self hate, timidness and other mental problems? I hate this shit, my life is a mess and then you have people out there living their best lives, having a loving family, having friends, having meaningful relationships and having an actual purpose in life. But i have none of that, this shit is just unfair.

 

[FuneralCry]

I see existence as just being an undeserved punishment, the unfortunate reality is that we exist in a world where people suffer all through no fault of their own due to the fact that chance so cruelly determines everything. Existence is completely meaningless, it's just a tragic consequence of evolution but it's true that there's too much suffering in existing. I doubt that such a thing as rock bottom even exists as there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they stay here.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

There's no "deserve" in this universe! We're all just thrown in and told to deal... very much not ideal :/ and if it's any consolation: I believe the "happy" ones are only PRETENDING! Mainly so they don't fall apart, because if they admited how useless they feel it would break them :) I find some comfort knowing that I at least grew much stronger that them...

 

[ringo99]

I'm not trans but I do share your feelings. I've been beaten down by life more times than I can count. Living on a knife edge for decades is driving me insane. I have a neurological problem where it's impossible for me to retain anything I learn for more than a few months even things that requires muscle memory like riding a bike. Considering the ridiculously competitive social and job environment I live in this is a nightmare for me. I'm constantly under pressure with no real support to fall back on: financial, emotional or social. Then I see others around me going up in life with relative ease. There's one relative of mine who could easily win bitch of the century but people around her consider her to be a true goddess and she sails through life like it's nothing. The irony is her son and I (my nephew) get along incredibly well.

Anyway as for deserving pain from what I've seen everyone experiences pain of some kind. Some get through it through biology driven sheer will, financial support, emotional support from family/friends or just plain dumb luck. Some don't get through it and never will. I fall in the latter category. It's just that we got the shitty hand at this fucking table called life and we're not alone.

 

[howswho]

There's no "deserve" in this universe! We're all just thrown in and told to deal... very much not ideal :/ and if it's any consolation: I believe the "happy" ones are only PRETENDING! Mainly so they don't fall apart, because if they admited how useless they feel it would break them :) I find some comfort knowing that I at least grew much stronger that them...

I find that hard to believe, surely you've been happy before, happiness exist, but holding onto it is the hard part

 

[goodbye_._]

I get this. I feel empty from everything. It's hard to fix something beyond repair. I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of pain. No one deserves it but just know you aren't alone in this. I hope you find peace for yourself, it's what we deserve I promise. Sometimes I believe some of us are put here to suffer but honestly I think we just got the bad stuff. It's not our fault and we don't deserve it.

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

I find that hard to believe, surely you've been happy before, happiness exist, but holding onto it is the hard part

the only time that I'm not completely miserable is when I'm distracted :) and it's always been like this... nothing else does anything for me...

 

[howswho]

the only time that I'm not completely miserable is when I'm distracted :) and it's always been like this... nothing else does anything for me...

I feel you on that. My sadness mostly hits me when I get home from school and have nothing to do.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

I dont feel fixable at all either
a point of no return has been reached long ago
took this path and i cannot drop it