Once I really love someone I push them away

[Davey40210]

I guess you can see it a bit in my other posts but I seem to always push away my girlfriends, especially if I really love them.

For some weird reason, as soon as I really get head over heels and love them - and they love me back - I destroy the relationship.

It always starts with weird beliefs about them. For example, one gf was from Eastern Europe. I loved her so much. She was all I wanted. But then I started to believe she was too white (I called it "pale"). Like she was unhealthy so I could not settle down and have kids with her. And I started moving away mentally. Another girlfriend was Asian and so I started to have this belief that my kids would be Asian and that would not be good for them. Another gf was not educated enough so I somehow had this idea in my mind that other people thought my gf was stupid so I was ashamed about being with her.

The second step seems to be that I start to push them. As in "I am organizing the holiday/trip and I want you to contribute by organizing this and that". Not some specific little stuff but to a point where it becomes unreasonable and I become angry if they don't organize it properly. Or I start demanding that they pay rent after they moved in. While I make so much money that I don't need it at all. Or telling them they should clean up after cooking (right away, before we eat). Like unreasonable demands.

Then I start to do worse things. Like I start texting other girls. Even exes. I lock my phone so they cant see my messages. I start talking about that I want an open relationship. Even a one sided open relationship.

I start shutting down. I come home and just play on the computer. I don't talk with them anymore. I don't do things with them anymore. We go on a trip and I spend the whole vacation in the hotel room drinking.

I did a variation of this every time. And then eventually they break and tell me they want to break up and leave. The worst part is that they stick it out so long.. really they love me so much that they try and try. And I become worse and worse..

And then I somehow realize oh no I will lose them, and I start pulling them in. Be normal again. Say I work on it. Say I'm sorry. And then when we get close and connected, it starts again. Until they tell me they can't take it anymore and leave.

It has happened so many times now and I really had enough. I just know it always happens and I cannot stop it, and after this last breakup I realized it will be like this the rest of my (hopefully short) remaining life. My last breakup has really broken my heart in a thousand pieces. Not to mention the pain I caused to these girls..

I don't seem to do this with close friends. Nor with my siblings. Only with girls that I am so in love with. Like I have a little voice in my head that tells me I cannot be happy.

Does anyone of you have some form of this as well?

 

[enduringwinter]

Have you considered that you might be gay

 

[-Link-]

The problem you describe could be related to an insecure attachment style.

Sounds like one of the Avoidants: Fearful or Dismissive.

Basically, as a partner gets closer to you (and as you get closer to your partner), you begin to shut down in the relationship. This process of shutdown can happen very quickly, maybe suddenly, if there's a trigger point or tipping point. Or it could be more gradual.

This would present as a repeating pattern in your love life, and its origins would stem back to childhood upbringing (relationship with the parents).

Google the terms "Attachment Theory", "Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment", and "Fearful-Avoidant Attachment" (aka "Disorganized").

With research, self-introspection, and willpower, an insecure attachment style can be transitioned into a secure (healthy) one instead.

 

[Davey40210]

Have you considered that you might be gay

I don't know if this is a troll post but I will reply anyway as I appreciate anyone thinking along. Basically, I have considered so many things to figure out what is going on with myself including being gay, a narcissist, a pedo, a serial killer, low EQ, etc (sorry, not saying gay is a bad thing like the other things in the list, just telling you the things I considered). Latest consideration is that I am autistic.

For a time during my life I did have limited male friends. Many of my friends were female. So I thought that may be a clue. But then I met some guys who became quite good friends.

I also found that I am not attracted to men. I have had situations where I felt like I could have a gay experience, for example with a male friend who is bisexual. But when thinking about kissing a man or whatever else I simply feel grossed out.

 

[enduringwinter]

I don't know if this is a troll post but I will reply anyway as I appreciate anyone thinking along. Basically, I have considered so many things to figure out what is going on with myself including being gay, a narcissist, a pedo, a serial killer, low EQ, etc (sorry, not saying gay is a bad thing like the other things in the list, just telling you the things I considered). Latest consideration is that I am autistic.

For a time during my life I did have limited male friends. Many of my friends were female. So I thought that may be a clue. But then I met some guys who became quite good friends.

I also found that I am not attracted to men. I have had situations where I felt like I could have a gay experience, for example with a male friend who is bisexual. But when thinking about kissing a man or whatever else I simply feel grossed out.

Not troll I acted like this to perfectly nice men then accepted that I am more attracted to women.

 

[Davey40210]

The problem you describe could be related to an insecure attachment style.

Sounds like one of the Avoidants: Fearful or Dismissive.

Basically, as a partner gets closer to you (and as you get closer to your partner), you begin to shut down in the relationship. This process of shutdown can happen very quickly, maybe suddenly, if there's a trigger point or tipping point. Or it could be more gradual.

This would present as a repeating pattern in your love life, and its origins would stem back to childhood upbringing (relationship with the parents).

Google the terms "Attachment Theory", "Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment", and "Fearful-Avoidant Attachment" (aka "Disorganized").

With research, self-introspection, and willpower, an insecure attachment style can be transitioned into a secure (healthy) one instead.

Do you have such attachment style? Or are you having similar problems? I am just curious to find other people who have something similar.

Yes, I did a lot of reading about insecure or chaotic attachment style. It certainly fits the bill in terms of what is happening now, and also fits precisely my abusive / neglectful childhood.

However, I even identified my attachment style as a problem and discussed it with my last gf during our relationship. She was understanding and indicated that she also thinks I have that and that I should do something with it, possibly with her together. I told my therapist, but it didn't solve anything. He just keeps asking how I feel and I don't know. Its quite possible I have it, but I don't notice it creeping up and it just happens. I also can't fix it. 2 years of weekly therapy is a really long time.

Hence now I want to CTB. As I will be in this loop of suffering forever. My life is like Sisyphus, pushing up the stone and then it falls down every time. My last gf was really the one that broke me.. I know now I will never be happy.

Not troll I acted like this to perfectly nice men then accepted that I am more attracted to women.

OK, thank you for that. I'm glad that it seems you found what was the issue.

 

[gloomie]

i sabotage relationships with people i love very often, especially if my feelings for them are genuine and reciprocated. usually something just snaps or changes inside me suddenly and i physically can't provide the same level of affection for them, and the closer they try to get to me the more i shut down emotionally. i get unreasonably irritated at nothing, small actions that they do that can easily be resolved become major things for me that i just refuse to get past. i see it happening and i see how it hurts the other person but i just can't stop, i would not even know how to. i've tried but it's like something is just broken inside of me.

as @Grumble mentioned, i do think it is because of an avoidant attachment (mine being fearful-avoidant). i crave connection so badly, which is why when i sabotage the relationship and they inevitably pull away, i'm desperate to fix it by any means and even become somewhat anxious instead. like you say though, it only lasts until the cycle repeats. it's like my brain refuses to accept genuine connection and subconsciously i am afraid to accept it anyway. i want it so much and when i finally have it i cannot handle it at all.

i know how hard it is and i'm sorry. i feel guilty all the time. you're not alone and i understand.

 

[Davey40210]

Thank you for sharing that.. that really touched me. Exactly what I am going through. I feel better knowing I am not the only one.

 

[Gangrel]

I understand because i do things like that as well. I have bpd as well as other types of mental illness.

When someone i love does something to me, even if small i start to think they secretly hate me. When someone shows affection to me i believe it's not enough and i try to shut that down. It feels like it's never enough for me so i have the urge to push them away, sabotage the relationship and even be mean sometimes to get a reaction from them, it's very toxic and i am better at controlling these urges these days because they happen in a way that when i'm doing them i fully believe i am justified in being cold, apathetic just to push them away and make them feel alianeted from me.

I wish i had a resonable answer as to why the brain does that but i really don't since i have the same problem. All you can do is try to control these thoughts and say to yourself to stop doing that shit.

 

[-Link-]

Do you have such attachment style?

My attachment style is known as "Complete, Total Disaster Attachment" (aka "Do Not Approach").

Seriously though, I identify as Anxiously Attached but could be construed as Avoidant once someone gets close enough to me. Anxious is definitely my primary though.

I deal with a crippling loneliness and yet recoil when people get too close to me. It's an awful combination, and it makes it very hard for me to keep going on. I am in persistent mental and emotional pain by way of just being conscious at all, unless I'm keeping myself buried in distraction or dissociation.

What I know of myself: I am drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable/distant because I (subconsciously) feel a safety and predictability in that distance. But that person winds up burning me in the end because my desire for their emotional closeness -- which they're unable to give -- eventually triggers their shutdown in the relationship. If I wind up with a fellow anxiously attached partner, one of us (me) turns avoidant in the relationship which leads into the same outcome.

Now, it's fine to be aware of how and why this happens, but it's a whole other (much larger) challenge to actually work through it and try to become more secure.

However, I even identified my attachment style as a problem and discussed it with my last gf during our relationship. She was understanding and indicated that she also thinks I have that and that I should do something with it, possibly with her together. I told my therapist, but it didn't solve anything. He just keeps asking how I feel and I don't know. Its quite possible I have it, but I don't notice it creeping up and it just happens.

You are working at this!

The fact that you have identified it and you've discussed it with your last partner... That is progress! You are actively thinking about this and posting about it here... That is progress! Keep at it.

I also can't fix it.

*You have yet to fix it!

I would encourage against thinking in absolutes, especially if it's concerning perceived failures. This thinking can turn into a self-perpetuating cycle: You expect to fail, and therefore you fail.

2 years of weekly therapy is a really long time.

Do you feel this therapist has helped you?

Maybe a more relationships-focused therapist would be better, although if you have any significant mental health problems going on, it would definitely be better to get a handle on that first.

 

[Davey40210]

I'm sorry but I've really given up on this. Of course I have identified the problem but I have tried for 2 years to fix it. And you probably did not see my other posts but the gf I talked about above couldnt take it anymore and left me. And I think I have more problems than just the attachment. I think I also have autism which prevents me from knowing my own feelings.

I want to CTB really badly, can someone please help me. I just need to get past the SI for 10 sec more, and it will all be over.

I will keep trying until this weekend. If it still doesn't work I will just get a longer rope and try with full suspension in some forest instead of in my bathroom. Perhaps with a lot of alcohol.

 

[-Link-]

I'm sorry but I've really given up on this.

You definitely do not need to apologize at all, and it's not your fault that you're struggling with this. What we're talking about in this thread -- the answers are much easier said than done.

I am in a similar stalemated position with a complex set of problems with no simple fixes and struggling with feelings of hopelessness, so I assure you, I understand where you are coming from with this.

I am sorry you are in this spot and am wishing you as well as can be under the circumstances.

 

[Davey40210]

You definitely do not need to apologize at all, and it's not your fault that you're struggling with this. What we're talking about in this thread -- the answers are much easier said than done.

I am in a similar stalemated position with a complex set of problems with no simple fixes and struggling with feelings of hopelessness, so I assure you, I understand where you are coming from with this.

I am sorry you are in this spot and am wishing you as well as can be under the circumstances.

Thank you, I appreciate that. I notice you have been around the forum since 2018 though, it must be so difficult for all these years. Have you not had any relationships all this time? Or are you like me and keep trying only to get your heart broken.

 

[-Link-]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I notice you have been around the forum since 2018 though, it must be so difficult for all these years. Have you not had any relationships all this time? Or are you like me and keep trying only to get your heart broken.

Let's say... I am my own worst enemy and seemingly a glutton for punishment.

As @gloomie said above, you are definitely not alone in your hurt.

 

[Pluto]