Venting On the Ledge

[detentionTime]

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since college. Up until recently, they were able to be ignored or pushed to the side. I could actively remember the reasons I had to stick around. But then my life decided to just fall apart. May 12th, my day off, my manager called to let me know that I was being let go due to relocation strategy. Just over a month later, on June 28th my spouse of five years moved out of our residence (making the separation from a few days earlier official). Now, my marriage had been an issue for a few years - my spouse was a narcissist and, looking back, he was emotionally and financially abusive. I had tried two times before to leave him but took him back every time. In doing so, each time I lost my friends. They, and my family, saw the abuse that I was too blind to see. My family, while not happy, decided not to cut me off and just limited contact. Thankfully, my friends and family have been by my side since the official split and have supported me the best they can. Especially, my best friend who has answered almost every email and text about the matter (even the ones asking if it was really abuse for the millionth time). For the first two weeks after the separation, I was fine. Then the nightmares and flashbacks started. It seems like every little thing, no matter how ridiculous, in some way reminds me of all of it. Within a week, my ex was already seeing someone new. For the first one and a half months though, me and my him still talked. Then, less than a week before my birthday, he emails me when he usually would have texted or called. When I asked why, he said that I had made him uncomfortable during our last phone conversation. Suddenly it was "if you or your attorney contact me again, I will file a restraining order." I was already down and feeling like I just shouldn't stick around. By this time, I had tried getting help for these thoughts. I still had reasons to live. But this broke me. If he, the person who was supposed to love me never actually did, does anyone really love me? If he could just up and cut me out for no reason, what's stopping everyone else? Since then, I have gone back and forth between being sort of okay and not being even close to okay. But how do you tell this to people? Friday morning (at 1:00 AM actually) it got to the point that I recorded videos for my family and friends saying goodbye. I have tried to distance myself from my friends and family so that 1) I don't think about them when I do something and 2) maybe they won't hurt as bad when I do. I have thought about the method and the location. I just can't get up the courage to go through with it.

 

[wren-briar]

Please remember that one lying asshat is simply one lying asshat.

To be clear, I'm not saying one lying asshat can't do a lot of harm, but please don't judge yourself as a failure because of such a person!

Regardless, I really hope that you're able to find peace for yourself!

(Also, paragraph breaks make long posts much easier for everyone else to read .)

 

[detentionTime]

Writing has never been my strong suit lol.

I know that one person does not dictate the entire population. I think I feel more like a failure because of everything else. Yeah, my marriage was a failure. But I lost my career (admittedly, through no fault of my own) and I let down my good friends and family. I have always tried to do right by them and not being able to or failing at it is crushing.

 

[hopelesswanderer]

You didn't let them down you were too blind to see the abuse because you loved and cared for this person! It's understandable, cut yourself some slack. I'm sorry for the horrible things you endured. You must be a loving, caring, and kind person for your family and friends to welcome you back with open arms.