This is my second post, not just in this forum, but in any forum. I never thought to share my thoughts on the web, never saw how my thoughts would be of any value or have anything new to add to the larger discussion. I am only realizing recently that my self-loathing and low sense of self-worth has crippled me in ways I'm just starting to see. It drives a lot of my depression and anxiety, the way I close myself off to anything potentially good in my life. I know it stems from childhood trauma. I just don't know if I can overcome, especially at my age (middle age).
I recently tried to buy Sn but the transaction failed due to payment method not working well in that country. I thought maybe I should try to fight this overwhelming desire to eternally rest. I've been wavering daily between eternal rest and looking for reserves of hope to fight. Then I get an email following up on my open order. I am thinking to try and buy it again. This way I have it just in case.
Things are financially and emotionally strained right now. My dad has a fatal disease and my mom is struggling to deal. I came back home to help out, but looking back I don't know if that was wise. My mental health tanked since. It was never great to begin with, but being here has worsened my mental health. I feel conflicted because my mom needs me. She says as much ("I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here"). My mental health deteriorated to the point where it affected my work performance. I asked to be laid off so I could get some money and take a break from work. I'm not sure if that was the best decision as now I have almost no self-confidence, can't even fake it, so not sure how I will go about looking for a job again. My parents need financial support. I need to look for a job again, but I'm not sure I can right now.
Every time there is a small window of no life drama, and I think I can focus on getting things back on track, life happens and I feel trapped further. I don't have children, not even pets. This was intentional as I never thought I'd be the kind of life partner someone I loved would deserve (yup, more of that self-loathing, low self-worth making decisions preemptively). My mom is the biggest reason for my hesitation, and my nephew. It's been months since I've daily thought of ending it, as in realistically imagining different methods. It's been years since I've felt the general desire to stop existing. I've had only sparse moments where I felt maybe I could be okay. I've been on meds before and did not find them useful (except propranolol when needed). I think I want to try and get better, then the next moment I just feel so weary I want to stop. Stop it all.
I am wondering if anyone else, especially middle aged people, are going through something similar? How do you cope?
Thanks for reading.
I recently tried to buy Sn but the transaction failed due to payment method not working well in that country. I thought maybe I should try to fight this overwhelming desire to eternally rest. I've been wavering daily between eternal rest and looking for reserves of hope to fight. Then I get an email following up on my open order. I am thinking to try and buy it again. This way I have it just in case.
Things are financially and emotionally strained right now. My dad has a fatal disease and my mom is struggling to deal. I came back home to help out, but looking back I don't know if that was wise. My mental health tanked since. It was never great to begin with, but being here has worsened my mental health. I feel conflicted because my mom needs me. She says as much ("I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here"). My mental health deteriorated to the point where it affected my work performance. I asked to be laid off so I could get some money and take a break from work. I'm not sure if that was the best decision as now I have almost no self-confidence, can't even fake it, so not sure how I will go about looking for a job again. My parents need financial support. I need to look for a job again, but I'm not sure I can right now.
Every time there is a small window of no life drama, and I think I can focus on getting things back on track, life happens and I feel trapped further. I don't have children, not even pets. This was intentional as I never thought I'd be the kind of life partner someone I loved would deserve (yup, more of that self-loathing, low self-worth making decisions preemptively). My mom is the biggest reason for my hesitation, and my nephew. It's been months since I've daily thought of ending it, as in realistically imagining different methods. It's been years since I've felt the general desire to stop existing. I've had only sparse moments where I felt maybe I could be okay. I've been on meds before and did not find them useful (except propranolol when needed). I think I want to try and get better, then the next moment I just feel so weary I want to stop. Stop it all.
I am wondering if anyone else, especially middle aged people, are going through something similar? How do you cope?
Thanks for reading.
