Venting On people calling suicide selfish

[nozomu]

I'm thinking a lot about this since I may be impulsive tonight (if I go, I'll post a goodbye thread first so please don't treat this like one). I think it's really shitty to call suicide selfish. We are just trying to find peace and be without pain.

Especially with how people treat frank discussion of suicide. Very few people view it as liberation. You all are the only people on earth I can be open with about suicide. Everyone else judges me. Tells me my feelings are too much. Abandons me for my feelings. Tries to tell me to get "help" when I'm asking them for help. Tells me they just want me to be ok but does nothing to make my life less painful.

I just know everyone's going to call me selfish when I go. They're gonna be pissed with me that I didn't tough it out.

But no one fucking considers how long I've had to sit with my pain, and the amount of time I've both tried to live it out, and subsequently, the amount of time I've had to spend reconciling with my own death. How long I've had to be cyclically grieving my own existence. None of them will care about my decision even though I tried to lay it out plainly how I am feeling and how much I am hurting. How is it selfish when I desperately tried and fought to keep my life, but I'm at the end and crying out for help but no one listens? How could it possibly be selfish to take care of myself for once?


I'm in fucking misery every day going through the grief of the fact my only option left is to fucking die. I'm angry and hurt that I can't escape this pain without death and that I do my best to be a kind, virtuous individual who is loving and helpful to others, but receives very little in return, because there's only so much I can do to ease the pain of my existence on my own. I'm sad that I can't live my life anymore and give the love to others I so desperately want to give. I can't experience and bask in the joy of life anymore. And I just wanted to share that joy with people I care about. I'm distraught that I can't move forward and live honestly and freely anymore. I have so much to give to the world. I don't want to die. But I can't continue like this. I want to live so bad but the pain is too fucking much.


I'm so heartbroken that I tried for this long and it's still so painful. It doesn't get better. You just find little distractions along the way that make you forget about the horrible things you've felt and been through. Sometimes the distractions are enough to carry you to the grave. But I cannot be disillusioned any longer. I cannot be saved. The pain weighs on me too much.

I am trying my best to die responsibly. I'm trying to wait for the time to be right and not be impulsive. I'm trying to make my own arrangements so no one has to worry about anything. I'm trying to pick a method that won't inconvenience others. I'm trying to leave things behind for people I care about so they know how much I love them. I'm literally planning my own death and the weight of this is insane to carry. I have to responsibly plan my death and carry around all this grief and pain ON TOP of how I already feel. And the fact I don't even want to die. I'm just trying to take care of myself in the face of this pain.

I write out these feelings and I really can't believe that some people will just call me selfish. Even though in planning my suicide, and trying to do it responsibly, I think it is an act of love. At least for myself. I would hope my loved ones might see how meticulously I took care of my death. Maybe they'll remember my words. My pain. And then maybe they won't call me selfish. But I unfortunately just don't think that will happen because of the social narrative surrounding suicide.

Sorry this is so long. I have a lot of feelings on this topic and I'm just rambling

 

[Rainy_days]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, it comes through very viscerally in your writing. I guess ultimately, no one can fully understand what it is like in your shoes. We are all limited to only a fraction of an understanding of someone else's life and experiences. People who call you selfish may be hurting as well, perhaps reminded of a loved one they lost too soon. I would hope that the label of selfish is not further impetus driving you to suicide.

I was reading a chapter this morning regarding anger in a book on meditation. The author told the story where a man came and was abusing and insulting the Buddha. The Buddha asked him, when you bring a gift to someone's house, are they free to accept or reject the gift? The man said yes, they are. The Buddha said, in the same way, I reject your anger. I guess the same lesson could apply to judgments people make upon us.

 

[Shadowlord900]

You know what I don't get about the whole calling people selfish for wanting to suicide part? It can be just as selfish to want to keep people living against their will. The biggest problem will always be most people treating all situations the same, when the circumstances are always different for different people.

But as long as people don't get in your way to prevent you from taking your own life, I wouldn't give a damn about what people might think after you've passed away.

 

[Dolphin55]

I'm so sorry. It's very unfair that people who try so hard and suffer so much will often be viewed so negatively for their decision to leave. It's cruel. Attitudes to suicide have come along way - but nowhere far enough. I think anyone on this forum reading your post knows you are not being selfish, we can only hope that other people will one day understand this, too.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The Buddha asked him, when you bring a gift to someone's house, are they free to accept or reject the gift? The man said yes, they are. The Buddha said, in the same way, I reject your anger.

I like this. Still- does it apply to life? Life is a gift afterall- will Buddha mind if we return ourselves early? Thanks for my life- but I reject it.

 

[Rainy_days]

I like this. Still- does it apply to life? Life is a gift afterall- will Buddha mind if we return ourselves early? Thanks for my life- but I reject it.

Haha I don't know, I don't feel knowledgeable enough to speak for him (more than I already have). I believe the Buddhist/Hindu conception of life and death is very different from the Christian "it is a gift" though. Reincarnation and all that.

 

[nozomu]

Thank you everyone for the kind words to my vent... Fortunately I think I'm going to avoid impulsively ctb tonight

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Suicide is selfish in almost all cases. For whatever reason a person chooses it, it's almost inevitably going to leave behind pain for other people that they will now face through no fault or choice of their own.

However it is also selfish for those people to want you to stay despite the pin you suffer through every day.

It's selfish both ways. There's no avoiding that. But I want to make it clear having said that, that sometimes in this world you have to be selfish. There's no avoiding that either. Sometimes you have to make what you believe to be the best choice for yourself regardless of how it may affect others.

I'm not trying to diminish anyones feelings with the above. I know that we're all struggling. I am too. And as always, I believe that if someone ultimately does choose to end their own life. I think that's their choice and their choice alone. No one should have the right to take that from them.

 

[Monkeyman]

Your text is very real. I can relate to some of it.

People will call us selfish for considering suicide, then also call us selfish when we try communicating what's wrong. You just can't win...

 

[hellispink]

They can call us selfish but when we were alive no one gave a shit. So they end up being the fake ones here honestly. One needs to do whatever its best for oneself even if that mesns death. There is nothing wrong with giving oneself some peace after so much trash world

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, nobody is obligated to exist for any longer than they wish to and that is the reality. It isn't like we asked to be apart of this hellish world in the first place. Death is the most normal and expected thing ever for us, so there could never be anything wrong with choosing not to delay our inevitable fate so that unnecessary suffering is prevented, in fact I see choosing to ctb as being something admirable and I envy those who succeed with it.

 

[thereisthemist]

you know you are doing great when people start calling you out for being selfish
"what matters to you matters only to you"
by the time you don't care anymore, things will make much more sense

mist send selfish huggies ~

 

[lionetta12]

I'm thinking a lot about this since I may be impulsive tonight (if I go, I'll post a goodbye thread first so please don't treat this like one). I think it's really shitty to call suicide selfish. We are just trying to find peace and be without pain.

Especially with how people treat frank discussion of suicide. Very few people view it as liberation. You all are the only people on earth I can be open with about suicide. Everyone else judges me. Tells me my feelings are too much. Abandons me for my feelings. Tries to tell me to get "help" when I'm asking them for help. Tells me they just want me to be ok but does nothing to make my life less painful.

I just know everyone's going to call me selfish when I go. They're gonna be pissed with me that I didn't tough it out.

But no one fucking considers how long I've had to sit with my pain, and the amount of time I've both tried to live it out, and subsequently, the amount of time I've had to spend reconciling with my own death. How long I've had to be cyclically grieving my own existence. None of them will care about my decision even though I tried to lay it out plainly how I am feeling and how much I am hurting. How is it selfish when I desperately tried and fought to keep my life, but I'm at the end and crying out for help but no one listens? How could it possibly be selfish to take care of myself for once?


I'm in fucking misery every day going through the grief of the fact my only option left is to fucking die. I'm angry and hurt that I can't escape this pain without death and that I do my best to be a kind, virtuous individual who is loving and helpful to others, but receives very little in return, because there's only so much I can do to ease the pain of my existence on my own. I'm sad that I can't live my life anymore and give the love to others I so desperately want to give. I can't experience and bask in the joy of life anymore. And I just wanted to share that joy with people I care about. I'm distraught that I can't move forward and live honestly and freely anymore. I have so much to give to the world. I don't want to die. But I can't continue like this. I want to live so bad but the pain is too fucking much.


I'm so heartbroken that I tried for this long and it's still so painful. It doesn't get better. You just find little distractions along the way that make you forget about the horrible things you've felt and been through. Sometimes the distractions are enough to carry you to the grave. But I cannot be disillusioned any longer. I cannot be saved. The pain weighs on me too much.

I am trying my best to die responsibly. I'm trying to wait for the time to be right and not be impulsive. I'm trying to make my own arrangements so no one has to worry about anything. I'm trying to pick a method that won't inconvenience others. I'm trying to leave things behind for people I care about so they know how much I love them. I'm literally planning my own death and the weight of this is insane to carry. I have to responsibly plan my death and carry around all this grief and pain ON TOP of how I already feel. And the fact I don't even want to die. I'm just trying to take care of myself in the face of this pain.

I write out these feelings and I really can't believe that some people will just call me selfish. Even though in planning my suicide, and trying to do it responsibly, I think it is an act of love. At least for myself. I would hope my loved ones might see how meticulously I took care of my death. Maybe they'll remember my words. My pain. And then maybe they won't call me selfish. But I unfortunately just don't think that will happen because of the social narrative surrounding suicide.

Sorry this is so long. I have a lot of feelings on this topic and I'm just rambling

What is selfish is that pro life people want to keep me alive and make me stay here so they can feel better about themselves, while I'll suffer and continue on living a nightmare in pain, and then call me selfish when I want to end that pain.