SmoolPepe
No longer human
- May 30, 2023
- 32
Maybe the venting tag would have been better, unsure.
WARNING: Unhealthy amounts of cringe. Raw, unadulterated cringe of questionable quality.
Today, after another 6 inconsequential years, I gave in and booked an escort`s services for a few hours, for my third such experience. It is something that I have been wanting to do for so long now, but I always backed down at the last minute, hoping some miracle might happen or my efforts would prove somewhat fruitful and I would find someone organically but that never materialized. And so, I have been feeling exceedingly lonely this past month, way more than usual and I have felt this way in the past too. It comes and it goes in bursts of varying intensity, the only difference is this time it lasted far more than ever before. It has been going for a month and a half at least, while previously it lasted a few days to at most a week.
I hate feeling and being this way, all I have ever wanted was a mundane life, sharing it with a significant other, and yet I have failed even at something so trivial to most people.
It was simply driving me crazy, I did not know how to get rid of it and make it stop, constantly spiraling away at any hint of affection or love people around me displayed, constantly breaking down to cry, constantly daydreaming about some imaginary significant other, longing so badly for something I have never even had - being held, being spooned, someone just touching me in hope it would make feel … something, feel human for a change.
I would also like to add that being capable of longing for something you have never had is just cruel in a twisted, evil way. On that note, thank you life; this gift that keeps on giving.
I got home and I instantly called the first escort I stumbled upon that offered outcall, out of impulse, otherwise I again would have backed down last minute. Rather expensive services I must add, but it was worth every penny and then some. I do no regret my decision in the slightest.
She was a bit older than me and a bit curvier than in the pictures, but she looked great, plus I do not look any better either, however most importantly she was so sweet and patient and understanding from the moment I let her in. Now, I know it is their job but I like to believe I got somewhat lucky to get someone like her; such a warm personality and overall she seemed to be a very kind woman. About the opposite of what I expected from someone doing something like this, most likely, out of necessity and not necessarily because they derive any pleasure from it.
I immediately mentioned I am a rather shy, anxious man, which goes without saying, as she agreed as soon as I said it and giggled. It sounds absolutely pathetic, I am aware, but I was shaking so badly, blushing, overthinking, the whole deal. I thought I was past it and yet, my old habits and antics from high school seemed alive and well.
She tried to make conversation and it went pretty badly as you can imagine. Which is not something that bothered me, as it was about what I expected from myself. Still, not ideal.
I offered her something to drink (not alcohol lol, I... did not have any as I do not drink that), some snacks and a meal consisting of what I had cooked that day, along with the tiramisu I had prepared. Yes, I specifically made that for her... I know, cringe. Would do it again.
After exchanging pleasantries, a few moments later she asked me what my expectations for the encounter were.
My throat was suddenly dryer than the Sahara desert, despite me drinking lots of water. I paused for a bit before being able to answer, for what felt like an eternity, and eventually I managed to utter what I wanted out of the encounter: no sex, cuddles, lots of cuddles, hugs, caresses, having her pass her hand through my hair, laying my head in her lap and on her chest , being held and just be in her company. Kissing too which is a first for me, and I know you should not kiss an escort, I would have never done it in the past but now I simply do no care anymore and I badly wanted to experience what it is like, it is what it is.
As a small positive, I did manage to make a little bit of conversation, albeit still awkward, as I became slightly less tense as time went on.
She did say I look too handsome to resort to this type of services and that my place looks quite good and clean, which I believed because it is true. Except the handsome part, that may or may not have been something she said as part of her job; no idea there, it felt good nonetheless even though I did not believe it.
She starts telling me what she is willing to do and that she is open to whatever other requests I may have, within reason and besides her deal-breakers, and asks me to take the lead; that worked out as well as you can expect - me taking the lead was me standing there absolutely petrified.
A few moments later I just gently ask her to take the lead, as I had no clue what people do in relationships when it comes to being intimate, besides sex and whatever I saw in movies. That is just fiction, however.
She kept looking at me with this sort of endearing gaze, such a kind expression, smiling sweetly at me while trying to get me to feel more comfortable, that or it may as well have been pity; again not an expert in body language or social interactions, let alone intimacy.
She starts hugging me, putting her arms around me, running her hand on my back, stroking it and sometimes gently scratching it and the other hand on my face, along with quick kisses occasionally on my cheeks, forehead and neck. And I must tell you, it felt, uhm, it felt... surreal but good, really really good.
I instantly hugged her back, as an automatic response, and I locked eyes with her strangely enough, which is something I would usually avoid. I also played with her hair for a bit; I did ask beforehand as I know some people dislike that and not from personal experience, but simply from hearing and observing those around me.
I, then, asked her if we could cuddle and we lie down on the couch, she puts part of her body to the side and the other half on top of me while running her hand over my chest and the other hand behind my neck, sometimes scratching my head, mostly idle. I also had some lofi music in the background from before she arrived, felt important to mention while I was writing it.
I then ask her to put herself on top of me, fully, to which she agrees and I just stood there holding her and letting my arms wander to feel her body freely. So soft, smooth and delicate, it was an amazing feeling. I could feel every imperfection too and it just made the experience better.
I was, however, too flustered and shy to touch her breast and hold them in my hands - which I admit I kind of wanted to do as they were right there staring at me, but I felt it would ruin the wholesome atmosphere and make it more sexual. I could not even dare look. I do not know, it does not make any sense, not even to me. It is not even cute anymore, just pathetic for a grown ass man.
Lastly, I quickly blurt out if she could remove her dress and so did I.
I, for some reason, out of impulse wanted to feel her skin on mine. We kept cuddling still, while we kept using our hands to caress each other, only naked now and it was unlike anything I have ever previously experienced. It was dreamy, it was mesmerizing, soothing, abundantly pleasant, simply divine.
By this point, I was verklempt, I felt a rush of emotions, so so many, ranging from sadness, anger, sorrow to happiness, love, warmth and these are just a few I could identify, all blending together; but most of all I felt alive, like I am human. I never wanted it to end and I held her so tightly, as if it that would make up for a lifetime of touch deprivation.
I understand now why people jump from relationship to relationship, never spending much time being single, always on the lookout for a connection of any kind, even if detrimental.
I understand why even bad or ,worse, abusive relationships are better than being alone. Loneliness is hell; pure agonizing, excruciating torment, torture. Anything is better than it. Anything.
I can no longer believe people or entertain the idea when they say being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
Or when they say it is worse to feel lonely while surrounded by people or in a relationship, than feeling lonely on your own. It is just not true, no matter how you slice it.
That or people simply cannot understand or grasp the implications and consequences of what a lifetime of isolation, loneliness, touch deprivation and being unable to connect to your fellow men and women does to a person. It is such an insidious process, permeating all facets of your life, warping your reality and perception, warping your very own being, your personality, it truly leaves you in a state of emotional limbo, one in which you grow only physically and in which you feel life is slipping away from you but slowly, leaving you ample time to see and absorb everything it does to you in full detail. It leaves you alive, but everything is dying inside of you, decaying; until all that is left is a zombie, a deplorable shell of your previous self, an empty body that keeps on going through the motions without aim or purpose. You live in a bubble of despair that is a constant, deeply craving connection and love and yet unequipped and woefully ignorant on how to achieve it, you lack the tools and the knowledge for you never learned and developed the skills needed. All you have ever known is being on your own, always, with no external support systems.
Your memories start to fade away as you are no longer able to recall them, knowledge you previously had starts to vanish, things you were certain about become uncertain, your mental faculties erode gradually day after day. In other words, you become the opposite of smarter every day.
Nothing satisfies the void deep inside you, nothing matters anymore. Your accomplishments no longer differ from your failures, your hobbies are yet another chore that now taunts you in a reminder of what they once made you feel and the satisfaction they provided.
And the worst part is that it is a self sustaining process, it is a loop, a vicious cycle preventing you from ever escaping its claws, all while knowing no one is coming to save you or help you from the outside, in part because all you know is how to drive them away through inaction and through being inadequate. It is just you, always just you, no matter what happens. It is a hopeless affair, you feel helpless and powerless and despite your best efforts, nothing ever changes. Just more of the same. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade.
Anyway, you probably heard all of that before, I am surely not the first person to feel this way nor to have written about it.
Back to the escort experience. I will conclude by saying we simply stood there cuddling and doing all the cheesy things you can think of, things I have always craved and dreamt of doing with my significant other. A significant other that just never came into my life or that I was never able to attract. All about perspective, I suppose.
The unexpected part, however, came after the encounter had ended. Even hours later, I felt so different from my usual state.
I felt so, so good about everything, about myself, about life, I had such a positive and optimistic stance all of a sudden. Being funny seems to come rather easily when you are in this state. I felt creative once again, I could come up with jokes on the spot, I felt I had the ability to be funny again. I could think of so many things to talk about, friendly banter or even flirting.
I felt normal or what I imagine most people usually feel like anyway. My mind no longer felt clouded and foggy, entrapped by the familiar haze that I had grown so accustomed to.
An exhilarating state of serenity, calmness, tranquility that wholly engulfed me took its place . Life felt worth living for a moment, I believed it too, foolishly enough.
My body also felt different. It felt so light and alive, spry, I felt younger somehow and the usual pain and aching that accompanied me throughout my body had suddenly been lifted from me.
I did not feel so heavy, I did not feel like i was drowning, despite having my feet upon the ground anymore.
And even my voice was different, it was much more relaxed, pleasant, sultry and lower/deeper than usual, dare I say confident, not shaky or somewhat high pitched and nervous. I did record myself rambling and reading a book, of course I did, and I loved my voice in this state. I would be thrilled for this one to be a permanent change.
Whatever lingering effects cuddling or being intimate with someone has (for clarity - not sexually), they truly make such an overwhelming , profound difference in everything.
Is this how most people usually feel? Because I can see why they enjoy life and living. I can see, how life is worth it to them, how they manage to keep on going despite having to go through a job that you hate and takes most of your time away, while it gives only stress in return; bills, any struggles they might go through - it is all worth it.
It is all worth it, when you know you will go home and someone will be there waiting for you. Someone that cannot wait to see you again, to touch you and to hold you, someone that cares about you, someone that is there for you and supports you when needed, someone that genuinely wants to hear what you have to say, someone that... loves you. Someone that gives a damn. And you, in turn, cannot wait to go back home as well, for you love them deeply too.
I have wished to experience this one day, but I know better now. It just is not and has never been in the cards for me, it would be foolish to keep entertaining hope in my circumstances. I never learned how to connect with people and now it is too late, I missed not just one train, but the whole station worth of trains, so to speak.
But, I can at least pay for a woman`s time every once in a while, if the loneliness becomes unbearable which happens rarely as I am used to it. Seems to be my only option and I suppose I have to accept it already. There is no point in dwelling over it any longer. Whatever people do and have to achieve friendship or romance, I sorely lack.
There is no guidance or patience for socially awkward, stunted, romantically inexperienced men in their late 20s and there will be even less for men in their early 30s and beyond; should I ever make it that far. You are a thing resembling a human being that is irredeemably broken, that is to be discarded and I do not hold it against anyone, I understand. Does not dull the pain one bit, but I understand.
I suppose for there to be winners, losers need to exist as well and are a necessity and it is rather clear I fall in the latter category.
Despite it all being an illusion fueled by money, what I felt was very real.
Eventually, this ephemeral, euphoric state will too come to an end, nothing good lasts for long after all; unlike loneliness and suffering.
I can only hope I will be able to gather the guts to make another, hopefully final CTB attempt soon, this is not living, not even existing... this is just a joke. Worse actually, at least jokes have some meaning.
If you somehow made it this far, it is rather concerning but also thank you for reading the ramblings of a nobody, a strange stranger. Just nonsense I felt the need to write somewhere while I feel somewhat creative, it has been a long time since I last wrote anything. And I apologize for any grammatical errors present, what sight for sore eyes it must be haha.
WARNING: Unhealthy amounts of cringe. Raw, unadulterated cringe of questionable quality.
Today, after another 6 inconsequential years, I gave in and booked an escort`s services for a few hours, for my third such experience. It is something that I have been wanting to do for so long now, but I always backed down at the last minute, hoping some miracle might happen or my efforts would prove somewhat fruitful and I would find someone organically but that never materialized. And so, I have been feeling exceedingly lonely this past month, way more than usual and I have felt this way in the past too. It comes and it goes in bursts of varying intensity, the only difference is this time it lasted far more than ever before. It has been going for a month and a half at least, while previously it lasted a few days to at most a week.
I hate feeling and being this way, all I have ever wanted was a mundane life, sharing it with a significant other, and yet I have failed even at something so trivial to most people.
It was simply driving me crazy, I did not know how to get rid of it and make it stop, constantly spiraling away at any hint of affection or love people around me displayed, constantly breaking down to cry, constantly daydreaming about some imaginary significant other, longing so badly for something I have never even had - being held, being spooned, someone just touching me in hope it would make feel … something, feel human for a change.
I would also like to add that being capable of longing for something you have never had is just cruel in a twisted, evil way. On that note, thank you life; this gift that keeps on giving.
I got home and I instantly called the first escort I stumbled upon that offered outcall, out of impulse, otherwise I again would have backed down last minute. Rather expensive services I must add, but it was worth every penny and then some. I do no regret my decision in the slightest.
She was a bit older than me and a bit curvier than in the pictures, but she looked great, plus I do not look any better either, however most importantly she was so sweet and patient and understanding from the moment I let her in. Now, I know it is their job but I like to believe I got somewhat lucky to get someone like her; such a warm personality and overall she seemed to be a very kind woman. About the opposite of what I expected from someone doing something like this, most likely, out of necessity and not necessarily because they derive any pleasure from it.
I immediately mentioned I am a rather shy, anxious man, which goes without saying, as she agreed as soon as I said it and giggled. It sounds absolutely pathetic, I am aware, but I was shaking so badly, blushing, overthinking, the whole deal. I thought I was past it and yet, my old habits and antics from high school seemed alive and well.
She tried to make conversation and it went pretty badly as you can imagine. Which is not something that bothered me, as it was about what I expected from myself. Still, not ideal.
I offered her something to drink (not alcohol lol, I... did not have any as I do not drink that), some snacks and a meal consisting of what I had cooked that day, along with the tiramisu I had prepared. Yes, I specifically made that for her... I know, cringe. Would do it again.
After exchanging pleasantries, a few moments later she asked me what my expectations for the encounter were.
My throat was suddenly dryer than the Sahara desert, despite me drinking lots of water. I paused for a bit before being able to answer, for what felt like an eternity, and eventually I managed to utter what I wanted out of the encounter: no sex, cuddles, lots of cuddles, hugs, caresses, having her pass her hand through my hair, laying my head in her lap and on her chest , being held and just be in her company. Kissing too which is a first for me, and I know you should not kiss an escort, I would have never done it in the past but now I simply do no care anymore and I badly wanted to experience what it is like, it is what it is.
As a small positive, I did manage to make a little bit of conversation, albeit still awkward, as I became slightly less tense as time went on.
She did say I look too handsome to resort to this type of services and that my place looks quite good and clean, which I believed because it is true. Except the handsome part, that may or may not have been something she said as part of her job; no idea there, it felt good nonetheless even though I did not believe it.
She starts telling me what she is willing to do and that she is open to whatever other requests I may have, within reason and besides her deal-breakers, and asks me to take the lead; that worked out as well as you can expect - me taking the lead was me standing there absolutely petrified.
A few moments later I just gently ask her to take the lead, as I had no clue what people do in relationships when it comes to being intimate, besides sex and whatever I saw in movies. That is just fiction, however.
She kept looking at me with this sort of endearing gaze, such a kind expression, smiling sweetly at me while trying to get me to feel more comfortable, that or it may as well have been pity; again not an expert in body language or social interactions, let alone intimacy.
She starts hugging me, putting her arms around me, running her hand on my back, stroking it and sometimes gently scratching it and the other hand on my face, along with quick kisses occasionally on my cheeks, forehead and neck. And I must tell you, it felt, uhm, it felt... surreal but good, really really good.
I instantly hugged her back, as an automatic response, and I locked eyes with her strangely enough, which is something I would usually avoid. I also played with her hair for a bit; I did ask beforehand as I know some people dislike that and not from personal experience, but simply from hearing and observing those around me.
I, then, asked her if we could cuddle and we lie down on the couch, she puts part of her body to the side and the other half on top of me while running her hand over my chest and the other hand behind my neck, sometimes scratching my head, mostly idle. I also had some lofi music in the background from before she arrived, felt important to mention while I was writing it.
I then ask her to put herself on top of me, fully, to which she agrees and I just stood there holding her and letting my arms wander to feel her body freely. So soft, smooth and delicate, it was an amazing feeling. I could feel every imperfection too and it just made the experience better.
I was, however, too flustered and shy to touch her breast and hold them in my hands - which I admit I kind of wanted to do as they were right there staring at me, but I felt it would ruin the wholesome atmosphere and make it more sexual. I could not even dare look. I do not know, it does not make any sense, not even to me. It is not even cute anymore, just pathetic for a grown ass man.
Lastly, I quickly blurt out if she could remove her dress and so did I.
I, for some reason, out of impulse wanted to feel her skin on mine. We kept cuddling still, while we kept using our hands to caress each other, only naked now and it was unlike anything I have ever previously experienced. It was dreamy, it was mesmerizing, soothing, abundantly pleasant, simply divine.
By this point, I was verklempt, I felt a rush of emotions, so so many, ranging from sadness, anger, sorrow to happiness, love, warmth and these are just a few I could identify, all blending together; but most of all I felt alive, like I am human. I never wanted it to end and I held her so tightly, as if it that would make up for a lifetime of touch deprivation.
I understand now why people jump from relationship to relationship, never spending much time being single, always on the lookout for a connection of any kind, even if detrimental.
I understand why even bad or ,worse, abusive relationships are better than being alone. Loneliness is hell; pure agonizing, excruciating torment, torture. Anything is better than it. Anything.
I can no longer believe people or entertain the idea when they say being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
Or when they say it is worse to feel lonely while surrounded by people or in a relationship, than feeling lonely on your own. It is just not true, no matter how you slice it.
That or people simply cannot understand or grasp the implications and consequences of what a lifetime of isolation, loneliness, touch deprivation and being unable to connect to your fellow men and women does to a person. It is such an insidious process, permeating all facets of your life, warping your reality and perception, warping your very own being, your personality, it truly leaves you in a state of emotional limbo, one in which you grow only physically and in which you feel life is slipping away from you but slowly, leaving you ample time to see and absorb everything it does to you in full detail. It leaves you alive, but everything is dying inside of you, decaying; until all that is left is a zombie, a deplorable shell of your previous self, an empty body that keeps on going through the motions without aim or purpose. You live in a bubble of despair that is a constant, deeply craving connection and love and yet unequipped and woefully ignorant on how to achieve it, you lack the tools and the knowledge for you never learned and developed the skills needed. All you have ever known is being on your own, always, with no external support systems.
Your memories start to fade away as you are no longer able to recall them, knowledge you previously had starts to vanish, things you were certain about become uncertain, your mental faculties erode gradually day after day. In other words, you become the opposite of smarter every day.
Nothing satisfies the void deep inside you, nothing matters anymore. Your accomplishments no longer differ from your failures, your hobbies are yet another chore that now taunts you in a reminder of what they once made you feel and the satisfaction they provided.
And the worst part is that it is a self sustaining process, it is a loop, a vicious cycle preventing you from ever escaping its claws, all while knowing no one is coming to save you or help you from the outside, in part because all you know is how to drive them away through inaction and through being inadequate. It is just you, always just you, no matter what happens. It is a hopeless affair, you feel helpless and powerless and despite your best efforts, nothing ever changes. Just more of the same. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade.
Anyway, you probably heard all of that before, I am surely not the first person to feel this way nor to have written about it.
Back to the escort experience. I will conclude by saying we simply stood there cuddling and doing all the cheesy things you can think of, things I have always craved and dreamt of doing with my significant other. A significant other that just never came into my life or that I was never able to attract. All about perspective, I suppose.
The unexpected part, however, came after the encounter had ended. Even hours later, I felt so different from my usual state.
I felt so, so good about everything, about myself, about life, I had such a positive and optimistic stance all of a sudden. Being funny seems to come rather easily when you are in this state. I felt creative once again, I could come up with jokes on the spot, I felt I had the ability to be funny again. I could think of so many things to talk about, friendly banter or even flirting.
I felt normal or what I imagine most people usually feel like anyway. My mind no longer felt clouded and foggy, entrapped by the familiar haze that I had grown so accustomed to.
An exhilarating state of serenity, calmness, tranquility that wholly engulfed me took its place . Life felt worth living for a moment, I believed it too, foolishly enough.
My body also felt different. It felt so light and alive, spry, I felt younger somehow and the usual pain and aching that accompanied me throughout my body had suddenly been lifted from me.
I did not feel so heavy, I did not feel like i was drowning, despite having my feet upon the ground anymore.
And even my voice was different, it was much more relaxed, pleasant, sultry and lower/deeper than usual, dare I say confident, not shaky or somewhat high pitched and nervous. I did record myself rambling and reading a book, of course I did, and I loved my voice in this state. I would be thrilled for this one to be a permanent change.
Whatever lingering effects cuddling or being intimate with someone has (for clarity - not sexually), they truly make such an overwhelming , profound difference in everything.
Is this how most people usually feel? Because I can see why they enjoy life and living. I can see, how life is worth it to them, how they manage to keep on going despite having to go through a job that you hate and takes most of your time away, while it gives only stress in return; bills, any struggles they might go through - it is all worth it.
It is all worth it, when you know you will go home and someone will be there waiting for you. Someone that cannot wait to see you again, to touch you and to hold you, someone that cares about you, someone that is there for you and supports you when needed, someone that genuinely wants to hear what you have to say, someone that... loves you. Someone that gives a damn. And you, in turn, cannot wait to go back home as well, for you love them deeply too.
I have wished to experience this one day, but I know better now. It just is not and has never been in the cards for me, it would be foolish to keep entertaining hope in my circumstances. I never learned how to connect with people and now it is too late, I missed not just one train, but the whole station worth of trains, so to speak.
But, I can at least pay for a woman`s time every once in a while, if the loneliness becomes unbearable which happens rarely as I am used to it. Seems to be my only option and I suppose I have to accept it already. There is no point in dwelling over it any longer. Whatever people do and have to achieve friendship or romance, I sorely lack.
There is no guidance or patience for socially awkward, stunted, romantically inexperienced men in their late 20s and there will be even less for men in their early 30s and beyond; should I ever make it that far. You are a thing resembling a human being that is irredeemably broken, that is to be discarded and I do not hold it against anyone, I understand. Does not dull the pain one bit, but I understand.
I suppose for there to be winners, losers need to exist as well and are a necessity and it is rather clear I fall in the latter category.
Despite it all being an illusion fueled by money, what I felt was very real.
Eventually, this ephemeral, euphoric state will too come to an end, nothing good lasts for long after all; unlike loneliness and suffering.
I can only hope I will be able to gather the guts to make another, hopefully final CTB attempt soon, this is not living, not even existing... this is just a joke. Worse actually, at least jokes have some meaning.
If you somehow made it this far, it is rather concerning but also thank you for reading the ramblings of a nobody, a strange stranger. Just nonsense I felt the need to write somewhere while I feel somewhat creative, it has been a long time since I last wrote anything. And I apologize for any grammatical errors present, what sight for sore eyes it must be haha.
