Discussion On boundaries- communicating what we want & how we want to be treated

[wordsonscreen]

Hello from the land of sunbug :p I hope today is going okay for you.

I know we feel quite misunderstood and isolated. I've been reading a lot of threads about how people shut out their friends because they dont get it. I did the same. Most people cannot really understand suicidality and all the factors that bring us here for whatever reason. I still have one friend and I want to share how I managed to maintain that relationship despite being in the hell I am in.

I cannot bear it when people try to "fix" me or "change" me. I like to make my own decisions. Everyone wanted to fix me and help me, of course. I told one friend to stop. And he did!! Now I can just tell him things and feel loved and supported without him trying to give me hope or make me feel better. I told him "you can ask me how I am once every 12 hours and please stop trying to cheer me up or saying hyperpositive stuff to make me better. I do not want that. It does not help and makes me feel worse and more alone. I do not want to be saved." I had to be very very very clear and not budge. It has been nice to have one person to still connect with who can listen without trying to make me feel wrong or sick.

I've also learned to ask directly what I want. So for example, instead of "I'm feeling like a burden" or "I dont want to bother you"- asking "am I bothering you? can you reassure me?" Its so much easier to connect when I am able to say things clearly. It doesnt mean everyone will receive it well or respect our wishes. But it is our job to communicate clearly and give the other person a chance to fail :p Asking for what we want is pretty hard but it may be worth it.

Have you tried telling people exactly what you want? Has it worked? Are you able to be honest with people in your life?

 

[booray]

I'm not really sure what it is that I want from people. I sure as hell am sick of being told to go for a walk, get some fresh air, get out of your head and volunteer, try mindfulness meditation, be grateful for the good things in your life, yada yada yada. I know that when I tell them that nothing works and nothing is going to work, that I've given up on life and just want to die, that doesn't exactly get a positive response. Like I've said before in other posts, I'm just not willing to accept that I ruined my life. I've tried to come to terms with it and I just can't. Could it be that I'm looking for some validation from others that suicide is the right thing to do? I suppose that's too much to ask from my family and friends. Nobody is ever going to tell me that, not even you folks on this site. That's something that only I can answer for myself, which is what makes this such an excruciating decision.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I'm not really sure what it is that I want from people. I sure as hell am sick of being told to go for a walk, get some fresh air, get out of your head and volunteer, try mindfulness meditation, be grateful for the good things in your life, yada yada yada. I know that when I tell them that nothing works and nothing is going to work, that I've given up on life and just want to die, that doesn't exactly get a positive response. Like I've said before in other posts, I'm just not willing to accept that I ruined my life. I've tried to come to terms with it and I just can't. Could it be that I'm looking for some validation from others that suicide is the right thing to do? I suppose that's too much to ask from my family and friends. Nobody is ever going to tell me that, not even you folks on this site. That's something that only I can answer for myself, which is what makes this such an excruciating decision to make.

ugh omg the go on a walk thing gets to me. BECAUSE I HAVE. haha.. I've tried it all. Maybe asking for validation for feelings might be more feasible than for suicide?? Thats the best I have gotten. And yeah, I wish getting support for suicide was a thing but you're right- it is our own decision and we need to be careful with that. I think only we can give ourselves the permission to leave. I think we want our own permission over anyone else's, but it would sure fucking help haha

 

[Superdeterminist]

For me it's never been fruitful. I hate to just assume that it never will be, but thus far my experiences with confiding in others has been mostly negative, so I really don't feel motivated to try it again.

 

[ashedout]

Boundaries has been the single best thing therapy has taught me.

I am 80% honest with a few people in my life and it has been nice to not have to put on a complete mask/performance all day every day. I'm not 100% honest about suicide thoughts/plans for obvious reasons and honestly, people don't need to know every dang thing about me :P I agree about communicating your needs but it's definitely something that takes a lot of practice so for anyone trying it - be kind to yourself.

 

[Lmd]

I'm very open with my mental state. Recently I cut all communication with friends and closed all my social apps because I had a breakdown and really wanted to CTB. In the end I did nothing and came back and they were surprisingly supportive and open minded. Somehow this makes me upset because I can't complain about anything. I know this is silly but I really want to CTB, not because I have traumas or something big and bad happening, just because I don't want to live for the inmense void inside me and they are making it incredible difficult. Some of them even told me that they respect all the decisions I will make even if they don't want that it happend because it's my life and they only want my happiness.

I can't relate with how my friends see things and can't enjoy what they offer to me at all even if I want to. Also I don't relate with the way most people on this forum sees things even when my life has been far from a bed of roses. I feel totally out of everything and that somehow bothers me because I want to CTB but I don't have any type of anger or "bad" energy to do it and I don't want to stay here because I don't have the will to live.

 

[Deleted member 26067]

I've found that communicating in plain honest language with most people is just going to get you a confused blank look, like a dog that's been shown a card trick. They expect duplicity and dishonesty because it's how they function.

99.99% of people out there approach others looking for a weakness, an opening, or an exploit they can use to boost themselves up while pushing others down. They don't care about how others wish to be treated. All societal interaction is a Hobbesian tug of war. When Machiavelli wrote The Prince, he gave us a clear snapshot into the mechanics of human society.

 

[wordsonscreen]

For me it's never been fruitful. I hate to just assume that it never will be, but thus far my experiences with confiding in others has been mostly negative, so I really don't feel motivated to try it again.

Totally understandable. Its similar for me. I'm a lot more hesitant now but opening up to people on here has helped. We've all been burnt of course. And I think finding the right people is so important for opening up to feel good

Boundaries has been the single best thing therapy has taught me.

I am 80% honest with a few people in my life and it has been nice to not have to put on a complete mask/performance all day every day. I'm not 100% honest about suicide thoughts/plans for obvious reasons and honestly, people don't need to know every dang thing about me :P I agree about communicating your needs but it's definitely something that takes a lot of practice so for anyone trying it - be kind to yourself.

Yes yes yes! Totally agree. Its taken me a very long time to even begin to form healthy boundaries. I'm so proud of you!!

I'm very open with my mental state. Recently I cut all communication with friends and closed all my social apps because I had a breakdown and really wanted to CTB. In the end I did nothing and came back and they were surprisingly supportive and open minded. Somehow this makes me upset because I can't complain about anything. I know this is silly but I really want to CTB, not because I have traumas or something big and bad happening, just because I don't want to live for the inmense void inside me and they are making it incredible difficult. Some of them even told me that they respect all the decisions I will make even if they don't want that it happend because it's my life and they only want my happiness.

I can't relate with how my friends see things and can't enjoy what they offer to me at all even if I want to. Also I don't relate with the way most people on this forum sees things even when my life has been far from a bed of roses. I feel totally out of everything and that somehow bothers me because I want to CTB but I don't have any type of anger or "bad" energy to do it and I don't want to stay here because I don't have the will to live.

Yeah, that resonates too. People being loving can be annoying haha.. :p The middle ground can be a tough place but it sounds like you have some good people in your life :)

 

[262653]

Establishing borders is a very good idea. It's like getting to sit comfortably instead of staying in a crooked, inefficient posture. It's bringing the clarity by dispelling the fog. The mist allows room for confabulation, building incorrect perceptions and unreasonable expectations, which can have long-term devastating effects on close partnerships. That is, if one is concerned about long-term benefits. Deception and confusion can also be fruitful, but they take more energy to upkeep and hazard with trust if the deception gets revealed.

It can be also a good idea to wear some armor to cover up the weak spots, as Todd has pointed out.

 

[Deleted member 26067]

Establishing borders is a very good idea. It's like getting to sit comfortably instead of staying in a crooked, inefficient posture. It's bringing the clarity by dispelling the fog. The mist allows room for confabulation, building incorrect perceptions and unreasonable expectations, which can have long-term devastating effects on close partnerships. That is, if one is concerned about long-term benefits. Deception and confusion can also be fruitful, but they take more energy to upkeep and hazard with trust if the deception gets revealed.

It can be also a good idea to wear some armor to cover up the weak spots, as Todd has pointed out.

I've built the thickest armor I can. One needs walls too. The world needs more walls and barricades.

 

[stygal]

I'm not a very truthful person outside of this forum. In all honesty it would cost me so much more energy always having to explain my actual mental state instead of just lying to people about it so they're content and don't feel threatened in their little worlds. Plus that way you can just move on with your day and not have them bother you further.
But your method @sunbug probably works if you're really want the person to be part of your "inner circle" of close friends.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I'm not a very truthful person outside of this forum. In all honesty it would cost me so much more energy always having to explain my actual mental state instead of just lying to people about it so they're content and don't feel threatened in their little worlds. Plus that way you can just move on with your day and not have them bother you further.
But your method @sunbug probably works if you're really want the person to be part of your "inner circle" of close friends.

I understand <3 Your judgement for your life is much more accurate than anything I can say!

 

[Deleted member 26067]

I'm not a very truthful person outside of this forum. In all honesty it would cost me so much more energy always having to explain my actual mental state instead of just lying to people about it so they're content and don't feel threatened in their little worlds. Plus that way you can just move on with your day and not have them bother you further.
But your method @sunbug probably works if you're really want the person to be part of your "inner circle" of close friends.

I think there's an important distinction here though. You being dishonest with people isn't because of a mendacious nature, but rather the game society forces upon us all.

We all are forced to tell small lies here and there because of the framework of the system. If everyone told the undiluted, unalloyed truth to everyone, society would collapse from the chaos.

Having to maintain a veneer of normality and resoluteness is in itself exhausting when one sees the world as it really is, but it is necessary, otherwise we'd never be able to maintain employment or function outside our homes.