On a good day I don't really want to die but ctb feels inevitable for objective reasons?

[halfway_y]

Some days I feel okay. I can distract myself well enough. I even look forward to things sometimes.
But it feels like ctb is inevitable in my case because I've messed up my life big time. I'm close to 30, I've got no degree, no skills, no job experience, I can barely navigate the world as an adult. No IRL friends or significant other, complete blank state, nothing changed since I was 15, same lonely, isolated, doomed, neglected child. I'm terrified of the world. When my carer dies I'm done. I don't think I can handle a deadend job, I'm too weak physically to be stacking shelves and stuff, and I'm too awkward and slow and weird to be working dead end call center or similiar jobs. The economy is at it worst with no sight of recovery, people with bachelors and masters are competing for shitty low end office jobs, I haven't got a chance. I tried psychiatry, it doesn't do anything. I can't try therapy because it's obscenely expensive.

I didn't have the luxury to mess up my life in my living situation. I haven't got a reliable safety net or ANY life skills. I have to die before I become homeless. If I could browse my pc until the end of days with reliable money cushion I wouldn't even be sad, I can live without love, without hope, without anything, as long as I have pc for distraction. But if my PC breaks I've got no money to buy another one, and this one is quite old already. Once it dies I've got nothing to live for. I feel like my survival is a fluke, I was never meant to live past 16 years old. I always knew that. It sucks that dying is so fucking scary. Truth be told, maybe I don't want to die, I just want eternal peace I guess.

 

[twilightSparriw]

You can have my PC man…. You need it much more than me…

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

Yeah, I hear you when you said "I was never meant to live past 16 years old" I don't know why I'm still even alive anymore, this makes no sense.

 

[escape_from_hell]

realest shit i've read
not in 100% identical situation but it tracks with life experiences
'life sucks and then you die' is a saying for a reason

 

[ferrous-and-glass]

We feel so similar. We don't know why We were allowed to become an adult, much less live for as long as We have.

Glass

 

[LivingDeadTGirl]

Most of my depression comes from monetary issues. Totally relate on the PC distraction being the only thing left to drown out my thoughts. I also feel ctb is inevitable, it should have happened already, and I'm just waiting in limbo on borrowed time until the day comes.

I used to think I hit rock bottom and couldn't feel any lower, but oh boy, what a joke, it can always get worse, you can still fall lower, you can feel even more empty, you can always feel more dead inside, and you can always hate yourself more.

If it wasn't for my family helping me, I wouldn't be here. The selfish thing is, sometimes I wish they hadn't so I could leave guilt free.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

Would you be able to afford 3 months of trauma therapy? If you're diagnosed with an illness you could get on disability as a safety net before you can develop some skills and get into the job market. It's not too late. If you're in the US, there are group homes. Unlike the homeless shelters I've to use where I live which are filled with unsafe people.