Of all People

[ixkitty]

My mom pushed me over the edge. Please let me be strong enough to do this.

 

[Lady black]

So you will do it cause of your mum? What did she do?

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm sorry your mom has been so mean to you.
My mum suffers from schizophrenia. She's literally the devil sometimes so, I can understand what it feels like to hate your mother.

Hope things get better somehow! It's not worth to ctb just for 1 person! Just think it through. You'll know what the best to do is.

 

[ixkitty]

So you will do it cause of your mum? What did she do?

She called, asked why I haven't talked to her in a while. Last time I talked to her I had a mental break down because of work and she basically told me that if I wasn't this or that I wouldn't be depressed.

I told her that the reason I haven't talked to her was because I was depressed.. she didn't believe me. I told her she didn't understand last time and again she didn't understand this time.

I'm sorry your mom has been so mean to you.
My mum suffers from schizophrenia. She's literally the devil sometimes so I could understand what it feels like to hate your mother.

Hope things get better somehow! It's not worth to ctb just for 1 person! Just think it through. You'll know what the best to do is.

I know. It's not just her though. I've always wanted to but I always get so freaking afraid because I'm an idiot and can't take one darn step to do anything in my life. I'm using this to fuel my final step. I really don't want to stay and be burdens to everyone anymore.

 

[Lady black]

Oh that´s really hard, i know this feelings, my parents never understood my problems. So I think you are not able to get your own flat to live without her?

 

[blue_muse]

Taking the time to reflect and tell the SS community what's bothering you doesn't seem idiotic to me nor does it show you misstep throughout life. Wish I could be as candid as you in taking a stand ixkitty .

 

[ixkitty]

Oh that´s really hard, i know this feelings, my parents never understood my problems. So I think you are not able to get your own flat to live without her?

Even if I leave,, I'm stuck with her

Taking the time to reflect and tell the SS community what's bothering you doesn't seem idiotic to me nor does it show you misstep throughout life. Wish I could be as candid as you in taking a stand ixkitty .

Taking a stand.. I'm mixing in a jar and just breathing waiting for the lapse in judgement enough lol.. I always struggle in taking that last step.

 

[Lady black]

Why do you stuck with her?

 

[Sensei]

I'm mixing in a jar and just breathing waiting for the lapse in judgement enough lol.. I always struggle in taking that last step.

Are you mixing SN? You seem to be in a state of affect and about to kill yourself on an impulse. Maybe you should wait until you're in your right mind? Just saying.

 

[ixkitty]

Why do you stuck with her?

Because If she calls i come. If she wants anything I'll do it. I'm that kind of person and I have extreme anxiety telling her no .. I'm a failure of a person

Are you mixing SN? You seem to be in a state of affect and about to kill yourself on an impulse. Maybe you should wait until you're in your right mind? Just saying.

Yeah I'm mixing.. I might wait till tonight.. yeah.. I'll wait .. sigh.. I appreciate that piece of reason

 

[Lady black]

You are not a failure, you are a caring person, but you should try to say no if it is not good for you to speak to her

 

[blue_muse]

Taking a stand.. I'm mixing in a jar and just breathing waiting for the lapse in judgement enough lol.. I always struggle in taking that last step.

Just makes you human, death is a scary prospect especially in the moment leading up to it. When your mother's concerned you could quietly give up. Give up on hoping she will be the parent you hope for, give up on thinking she might understand you as a person...feel free to add to the list . You're taking a stand holding the jar as far as I'm concerned lol. You know your limits ixkitty, don't let people like your mother make you act in haste.

 

[ixkitty]

You are not a failure, you are a caring person, but you should try to say no if it is not good for you to speak to her

Yeah I'd like to. But what kind of daughter would I be? What kind of person would I be?

Just makes you human, death is a scary prospect especially in the moment leading up to it. When your mother's concerned you could quietly give up. Give up on hoping she will be the parent you hope for, give up on thinking she might understand you as a person...feel free to add to the list . You're taking a stand holding the jar as far as I'm concerned lol. You know your limits ixkitty, don't let people like your mother make you act in haste.

I appreciate everything you're telling me ♡ thank you

 

[Lady black]

A good person that is able to say no. It´s good if you take care of other people, but you should also take care of yourself. You are not a bad person if you say now if something is not good for you

 

[Water-Lily]

My mom pushed me over the edge too. For about 13 years of my life, my moms abuse became the driving force of my desire to commit suicide. Though she has died 2 years ago from cancer, her trauma still hurts me mentally. These days my brother also indirectly/directly triggers my CTB. You are not alone in wanting to CTB because of someone's treatment of you. Its understandable and valid. You mentioned that even if you leave, you are stuck with her. If possible, could you stay with some family/friends and remain in limited contact with your mom? Taking space from those who are adding stress to your life, even temporarily, can help your mental state. However, only you know your situation the best. If leaving is not an option at the moment, perhaps try to go outside a bit more or stay in your room to avoid her. I had to do this when my mom was alive. It didn't change anything but I was able to get away even if for a few hours at a time.

Just do your best. I also feel like an idiot at times. But even if we feel like idiots, that doesn't mean we can't try to do our best. Just because we feel like we are idiots doesn't mean that good things can't happen. We can still try our best and make the best of our situation even if it hurts

As much as I am saying this, I am still thinking of CTB due to other people in my life who hurt me and my own mental illnesses. Though its not the best reason for CTB it is still a valid reason. If you do plan to CTB, know that there is no shame and to make sure you plan carefully and to not act impulsively. Before that, try to look at all other options. Try to see if there is another way out. Sometomes we choose CTB because we feel stuck mentally. But I think, if we really try, we can find something. I am sure you can if you try a little. And if at some point, you figure "fuck it I don't want to try" or "I am just tired and want to die" then you can do that too. Whether you choose to keep trying or die, both is ok. Just make sure that whatever path you choose is a path that you will ultimately be at peace with. Take care.

 

[blue_muse]

I appreciate everything you're telling me ♡ thank you

Anytime

 

[Meditation guide]

Here is what kind of daughter and person you would be if you simply allowed yourself to take a vacation from her:
A person who takes care of her own needs. And there is nothing wrong with that and it's healthy.

We all have toxic people in our lives we need to cut out and it's hard but it is so worth it. And it's not as hard as ctb.

 

[ixkitty]

A good person that is able to say no. It´s good if you take care of other people, but you should also take care of yourself. You are not a bad person if you say now if something is not good for you

You're absolutely right. I try.

My mom pushed me over the edge too. For about 13 years of my life, my moms abuse became the driving force of my desire to commit suicide. Though she has died 2 years ago from cancer, her trauma still hurts me mentally. These days my brother also indirectly/directly triggers my CTB. You are not alone in wanting to CTB because of someone's treatment of you. Its understandable and valid. You mentioned that even if you leave, you are stuck with her. If possible, could you stay with some family/friends and remain in limited contact with your mom? Taking space from those who are adding stress to your life, even temporarily, can help your mental state. However, only you know your situation the best. If leaving is not an option at the moment, perhaps try to go outside a bit more or stay in your room to avoid her. I had to do this when my mom was alive. It didn't change anything but I was able to get away even if for a few hours at a time.

Just do your best. I also feel like an idiot at times. But even if we feel like idiots, that doesn't mean we can't try to do our best. Just because we feel like we are idiots doesn't mean that good things can't happen. We can still try our best and make the best of our situation even if it hurts

As much as I am saying this, I am still thinking of CTB due to other people in my life who hurt me and my own mental illnesses. Though its not the best reason for CTB it is still a valid reason. If you do plan to CTB, know that there is no shame and to make sure you plan carefully and to not act impulsively. Before that, try to look at all other options. Try to see if there is another way out. Sometomes we choose CTB because we feel stuck mentally. But I think, if we really try, we can find something. I am sure you can if you try a little. And if at some point, you figure "fuck it I don't want to try" or "I am just tired and want to die" then you can do that too. Whether you choose to keep trying or die, both is ok. Just make sure that whatever path you choose is a path that you will ultimately be at peace with. Take care.

Thank you! I've been given even more options and ideas.

Here is what kind of daughter and person you would be if you simply allowed yourself to take a vacation from her:
A person who takes care of her own needs. And there is nothing wrong with that and it's healthy.

We all have toxic people in our lives we need to cut out and it's hard but it is so worth it. And it's not as hard as ctb.

Very true. I have a hard time taking care of my needs.

 

[Lady black]

That´s great if you try to take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk feel free to contact me or write another thread, I think one of the best things of this forum is that we take care of each other

 

[ixkitty]

That´s great if you try to take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk feel free to contact me or write another thread, I think one of the best things of this forum is that we take care of each other

You're right. This place is a heaven send.

 

[mr.smileysad]

This sounds a lot like me. I have found that in order to stop people pleasing you need to accept your own failures and the fact that no matter what you do people will never be happy