OCD and suicide fears

[lululoo]

Anyone else here have OCD? I had a thought today that it may be feeding into my anxiety over going through with suicide. I have the checking kind of OCD.

So I'm a perfectionist and worrywart, and compulsively checking that I've done things even though part of my brain knows I have. I think it ties into the act of suicide— I can't check afterwards that I've done it right— and also ties into the meaning of suicide. Suicide means I am stopping checking for answers to my life and accepting that I am giving up that one in a million chance that things could turn around. I am saying "ok, I've made a good enough effort." That is hard to accept for an obsessive, perfectionist, self-flagellating person.

Suicide is putting things out of your control, out of your ability to do it right and make sure you did it right.

This is all poorly worded but if anyone can relate, please chime in. And I guess when I say OCD, I don't just mean people with compulsions, but really anyone with the thinking patterns. I'm not actually diagnosed with it, because it's a more recent issue for me and I stopped seeing mental health professionals a while ago.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

Ohh, I understand this so well. Granted I'm 2 unsuccessful attempts deep, so clearly I'm not a particularly successful perfectionist.

I do have OCD, and both checking and planning are major compulsions of mine, as is a need for control. My desperation to CTB managed to eclipse that with my previous attempts though, or at least I'd like to think so because otherwise I have to face the fact that maybe I'm shitty at planning things, and I don't wanna lean into that identity crisis with everything else I've got going on right now.

The finality of suicide is incredibly hard to reconcile with a deep-seated desire to plan things out, double-check everything, and get things right. Now that I'm planning and delaying an attempt, I'm having to confront that more and more. CTB means that I don't have any more do-overs, any more opportunities to correct all the things wrong in my life and get myself back on track with any of my plans. If I CTB, I can't figure out the meaning and purpose of my life. I can't chart out a path to the life I want and follow it to completion, and get that lil spark of joy from checking things off as I complete them. I can't ever try to reconcile my actual life with the one I had planned in my head.

And all of that is hard to accept for me, considering I'm the type to wash a dish three times to make sure it's flawlessly fuckin clean. CTB is just smashing the dish on the floor and walking out of the kitchen forever. And maybe that's still the right choice, because the rest of the kitchen is a goddamn mess and just because I can get the one plate clean doesn't mean I can get the grout between the tiles clean like new and get the gross dried food off from inside the microwave and fix that weird smell in the fridge. Because I am exhausted and there's only so much I have left in me, and I do not have enough to start cleaning up and then actually make it to having a clean kitchen again. So I have to just leave the whole mess the way it is, and accept that it's always gonna be like that because once I burn the house down there's no kitchen left to clean.

I'm rambling and that attempt at a metaphor went off the fuckin rails, but I'm just trying to say, I think I do understand what you're going through because it seems like we're going through the same thing. I'm trying to look at CTB as a fuck you to my OCD, as if I'm choosing to reject the compulsions and obsessions with perfection that never actually got me anywhere close to perfection.

 

[lululoo]

Ohh, I understand this so well. Granted I'm 2 unsuccessful attempts deep, so clearly I'm not a particularly successful perfectionist.

I do have OCD, and both checking and planning are major compulsions of mine, as is a need for control. My desperation to CTB managed to eclipse that with my previous attempts though, or at least I'd like to think so because otherwise I have to face the fact that maybe I'm shitty at planning things, and I don't wanna lean into that identity crisis with everything else I've got going on right now.

The finality of suicide is incredibly hard to reconcile with a deep-seated desire to plan things out, double-check everything, and get things right. Now that I'm planning and delaying an attempt, I'm having to confront that more and more. CTB means that I don't have any more do-overs, any more opportunities to correct all the things wrong in my life and get myself back on track with any of my plans. If I CTB, I can't figure out the meaning and purpose of my life. I can't chart out a path to the life I want and follow it to completion, and get that lil spark of joy from checking things off as I complete them. I can't ever try to reconcile my actual life with the one I had planned in my head.

And all of that is hard to accept for me, considering I'm the type to wash a dish three times to make sure it's flawlessly fuckin clean. CTB is just smashing the dish on the floor and walking out of the kitchen forever. And maybe that's still the right choice, because the rest of the kitchen is a goddamn mess and just because I can get the one plate clean doesn't mean I can get the grout between the tiles clean like new and get the gross dried food off from inside the microwave and fix that weird smell in the fridge. Because I am exhausted and there's only so much I have left in me, and I do not have enough to start cleaning up and then actually make it to having a clean kitchen again. So I have to just leave the whole mess the way it is, and accept that it's always gonna be like that because once I burn the house down there's no kitchen left to clean.

I'm rambling and that attempt at a metaphor went off the fuckin rails, but I'm just trying to say, I think I do understand what you're going through because it seems like we're going through the same thing. I'm trying to look at CTB as a fuck you to my OCD, as if I'm choosing to reject the compulsions and obsessions with perfection that never actually got me anywhere close to perfection.

Thank you for your rambling, I really appreciate it. Everything you said makes sense and is relatable. I like the kitchen metaphor.

I agree about it being a fuck you to the OCD (and for me, also a big fuck you to my lifelong sense of incompetence and inferiority). Like if I can be brave, and accept the lack of answers and lack of a clean ending, that is something to be proud of.

I doubt you are a shitty planner. I think CTB is just hard. And you do have to draw the line somewhere with the planning or you would never go through with it. I'm willing to be a bit obsessive in the planning because there is a risk of failure. But I do need to let go at some point. I gotta let go and accept that I won't be there to know if it worked, if it all goes well.

I will probably post a detailed plan before I go so that someone besides me is "checking" things are right. But even if 100 people read and approved it wouldn't be a guarantee. It's always going to be something of a leap of faith.

With the imperfect life aspect, it's weird because I truly have given up on my life improving. So staying alive would just be more years of suffering and imperfection and chaos. Yet I still get that unsettled feeling about ending it. Just gotta not let that feeling chain me down.

Ok I think I'm just repeating what you've said in far less poetic words. I'll stop for now.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

Thank you for your rambling, I really appreciate it. Everything you said makes sense and is relatable. I like the kitchen metaphor.

I agree about it being a fuck you to the OCD (and for me, also a big fuck you to my lifelong sense of incompetence and inferiority). Like if I can be brave, and accept the lack of answers and lack of a clean ending, that is something to be proud of.

I doubt you are a shitty planner. I think CTB is just hard. And you do have to draw the line somewhere with the planning or you would never go through with it. I'm willing to be a bit obsessive in the planning because there is a risk of failure. But I do need to let go at some point. I gotta let go and accept that I won't be there to know if it worked, if it all goes well.

I will probably post a detailed plan before I go so that someone besides me is "checking" things are right. But even if 100 people read and approved it wouldn't be a guarantee. It's always going to be something of a leap of faith.

With the imperfect life aspect, it's weird because I truly have given up on my life improving. So staying alive would just be more years of suffering and imperfection and chaos. Yet I still get that unsettled feeling about ending it. Just gotta not let that feeling chain me down.

Ok I think I'm just repeating what you've said in far less poetic words. I'll stop for now.

No, you're articulating yourself really well and you should always feel like what you have to say is valid, and worth hearing :)

Yeah, I feel like there's few things that really live up to the phrase 'leap of faith' like suicide. There will never ever be any testimony from others who have succeeded to rely on, and no way to really 100000% guarantee that our DIY methods will succeed. All we can do is plan, but like you said, at some point plans have to become action. I too will probably check in here once I'm ready to act, if only for some reassurance from other folks who also can't know for sure until they're no longer able to weigh in for us.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Yes. Makes so much sense to me. I'm very ritualistic and all my rituals tie to the well-being of my loved ones and I get terrified if I ctb, they'll all die because I'm not around to do my stupid toe tapping, wall rubbing, bullshit rituals.

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

I have OCD, and it's made day to day tasks very cumbersome.

 

[TimeToDie]

You sound so much like me! Making any decision is a monumental challenge. I can literally spend an hour or more just trying to decide which pizza to order. Obviously, I can't get much done at that rate.

 

[lululoo]

You sound so much like me! Making any decision is a monumental challenge. I can literally spend an hour or more just trying to decide which pizza to order. Obviously, I can't get much done at that rate.

I am so paralyzed by decisions. It has made putting together a plan a verrrrrry slow process.