painfulwords
love kills
- Apr 15, 2023
- 28
okay, so I had a mental breakdown yesterday because of a discussion with a potential s/o. It made me rethink a lot of things in my life and, before solving anything and speak my mind for him, I just became crazy and had another depressive episode. I started to cry and sob a lot, thinking about my past especially and what it could've been with him. He said that he loved me, he explicitly manipulated me and i knew that, but I was so used to this type of relationship that i didn't see the problem becoming bigger.
Btw, our relationship was really shallow, because he didn't said anything about his personal life and me neither. We just had a few topics of conversations and that's it, but he always told me about being jealous of something (and that's why, for the minimum thing that was out of his expectations, he would spend days without communicating with me - more than once - and i was always the one who wanted to try solve things). He always said that he wasn't talking with other girls, when I knew in fact that he was, due to the amount of people who were interested in him (I could see it through his tiktok things). He sent photos of couples and said that they were us, sent characters that he said that looked like me (like Asuka from Evangelion, that is scared of being alone - and guess what? he left me alone), etc.
The main reason of our discussion was because a guy that i considered my best friend was talking shit about me, my appearance and my body to others, and in the end he just wanted to hook up with me. I said these exactly words to him, but it just seemed like he took off the part of me being extremely sad about someone that i trusted taking me down and he just highlighted the part of "he wanting to hook up with me". He, then, said just "ew" and deleted my number. That's so childish. But I talked with two people and both said that i should try to send a message to be in peace with myself, then I did. I've sent like, two audios, and then he replied after a few minutes. He said that i was naive and that he always wanted it (I know that's true), that guys who's interested in a girl don't like her to be friendly with others, he put me in a box saying "you're that type of girl who goes through unforgivable situations and forgive it", he said that he "didn't want to make me waste my time" and "he didn't want to waste time too", and, on top of that, he said that the things I wrote was the funniest thing he's ever read in the whole week. :)
I was SO angry because I knew that i couldn't trust him, i don't know what's my goddamn problem but it ALWAYS ends like this. Now I'm thinking about it a few times and I'm handling it better than I thought, but sometimes I miss a notification of him. He was a horrible person, and i know that, and it would be stupid of me to try having a relationship with someone like him knowing that we would have more fights about dumb problems like this, cause he doesn't know how to communicate properly and that's the main thing I look for someone.
Before that happened, i SH myself deeply, and it was horrible. I hate the feeling of being used, of being alone, and that's what happened (again). Adding it with the fact that i said in the beginning, that i cried and sobbed a lot, it was a horrible experience. Yes, I've considered to CTB, but I know that it wasn't worth it, even though my life is really monotone and stuff, i don't want to end things because of someone that just cut off contact with me without thinking twice.
Oh, it's important to mention that we knew each other since last year, and he got my number, we started talking a little bit but then he just disappeared. I forgot him, but after a few months he came back and said that he changed his number, then I asked him to send it and he didn't. After a few days he did, and guess what? He didn't changed his number. He just blocked me.
Anyways, the point of it is: I don't know what to think about anymore. I can't watch my favorite anime without thinking of him at least for one minute, and that upsets me a lot. I can't help to feel nervous when I enter in my message app and wonder "did he sent me a message?". I can't go on tiktok without thinking about visiting his profile at least once. I made a heart in my wrist because of HIM. I think that I'm crazy sometimes lmaoooo but it's okay. I just have to let time make me forget him.
Btw, our relationship was really shallow, because he didn't said anything about his personal life and me neither. We just had a few topics of conversations and that's it, but he always told me about being jealous of something (and that's why, for the minimum thing that was out of his expectations, he would spend days without communicating with me - more than once - and i was always the one who wanted to try solve things). He always said that he wasn't talking with other girls, when I knew in fact that he was, due to the amount of people who were interested in him (I could see it through his tiktok things). He sent photos of couples and said that they were us, sent characters that he said that looked like me (like Asuka from Evangelion, that is scared of being alone - and guess what? he left me alone), etc.
The main reason of our discussion was because a guy that i considered my best friend was talking shit about me, my appearance and my body to others, and in the end he just wanted to hook up with me. I said these exactly words to him, but it just seemed like he took off the part of me being extremely sad about someone that i trusted taking me down and he just highlighted the part of "he wanting to hook up with me". He, then, said just "ew" and deleted my number. That's so childish. But I talked with two people and both said that i should try to send a message to be in peace with myself, then I did. I've sent like, two audios, and then he replied after a few minutes. He said that i was naive and that he always wanted it (I know that's true), that guys who's interested in a girl don't like her to be friendly with others, he put me in a box saying "you're that type of girl who goes through unforgivable situations and forgive it", he said that he "didn't want to make me waste my time" and "he didn't want to waste time too", and, on top of that, he said that the things I wrote was the funniest thing he's ever read in the whole week. :)
I was SO angry because I knew that i couldn't trust him, i don't know what's my goddamn problem but it ALWAYS ends like this. Now I'm thinking about it a few times and I'm handling it better than I thought, but sometimes I miss a notification of him. He was a horrible person, and i know that, and it would be stupid of me to try having a relationship with someone like him knowing that we would have more fights about dumb problems like this, cause he doesn't know how to communicate properly and that's the main thing I look for someone.
Before that happened, i SH myself deeply, and it was horrible. I hate the feeling of being used, of being alone, and that's what happened (again). Adding it with the fact that i said in the beginning, that i cried and sobbed a lot, it was a horrible experience. Yes, I've considered to CTB, but I know that it wasn't worth it, even though my life is really monotone and stuff, i don't want to end things because of someone that just cut off contact with me without thinking twice.
Oh, it's important to mention that we knew each other since last year, and he got my number, we started talking a little bit but then he just disappeared. I forgot him, but after a few months he came back and said that he changed his number, then I asked him to send it and he didn't. After a few days he did, and guess what? He didn't changed his number. He just blocked me.
Anyways, the point of it is: I don't know what to think about anymore. I can't watch my favorite anime without thinking of him at least for one minute, and that upsets me a lot. I can't help to feel nervous when I enter in my message app and wonder "did he sent me a message?". I can't go on tiktok without thinking about visiting his profile at least once. I made a heart in my wrist because of HIM. I think that I'm crazy sometimes lmaoooo but it's okay. I just have to let time make me forget him.
