Help Obsessions: Advice from someone with bpd please

[Life_and_Death]

To start off with where bpd has extreme emotions/attachment problems/ect advice from someone with bpd would be highly appreciated as the normal "find distractions" advice does nothing due to the intrusive thoughts. It bugs and it nags and I can't not do it.

My bf and I are taking a bit of a break. I need to be more me oriented. I need to think about me, not him. He can go anywhere from 30secs - an hour to message me back meanwhile I'm checking for his messages even during times I know for a fact I'm not going to get one.
How do I stop this? I want to be able to go hours and not care, instead I'm checking every few seconds (literally).

 

[Venus13]

I have bpd.

I don't know how deep your sense of self issue goes, but from my experience my mind creates my sense of worth and quite frankly even my sense of existence off others. I'm afraid of not only being a completely unlovable person without the verification from another but also afraid of sinking into a void where I don't really matter or exist at all. The message checking might be a self worth check. Does that sound vaguely accurate? Romantic interests always ramp this up. Being on a break with a boyfriend is bpd discomfort zone to an extreme. I totally feel you on the compulsive checking. Even if you want space, you also don't want to fall into that abstract space of unknown worth and unknown existence that might be scarier than whatever you were dealing with that caused the break to happen. You might check to run from that discomfort, any message releases the shitty feeling but only for a moment. The discomfort starts to rebuild again the more time between messages. This is compounded by the fact that a "break" is uncomfortable for anyone, not just someone with bpd. It's all so unknown and unfamiliar to your baseline which has existed in the fully united relationship. It's just uncomfortable.

I wouldn't call it distraction, I'd call it sense of self and sense of worth building. My advice is not passive distraction but to try to invest time actively into something that makes you feel fulfilled, regardless of others. For example, I love working out and also studying a couple things that bring me fulfillment for the most part regardless of others. If I'm in the middle of a workout session or deep in my reading I'll lose track of that burning desire to have someone else make me feel lovable or like I am something. It's about developing an independent sense of self and worth. Messages don't matter as much, you're doing you and that needed me time is being fulfilled.

But that's easier said than done, and to be brutally honest I still crave the contact while doing these things. I'll snap back a bit and crave validation that the interests swirling in my head and the body I'm working on even matter to others. Over time though, you might get a bit of distance between the checking and the fulfilling self care time.

Break ups, breaks, or quite frankly any romantic interactions are tough to handle with bpd. I think it's the most daunting part of having bpd, it just intensifies so much. If you find yourself checking for messages too much and nothing seems to help, I would say at least recognize that a break or break up is a very hard situation for anyone, these habits are part of your mental illness, and be conscious about being gentle and forgiving to yourself. Sometimes I'll be so sad and frustrated with my behavior and it's good to take a minute and give yourself some forgiveness and understanding.

Also if you can turn notifications off from that particular person I highly recommend it. If the notifications are off you need to go through greater lengths to check if they contacted. If it's on an app it's easy to mute them. If it's over text I don't block but I used to turn on airplane mode all the time to take a break from the checking habit.

 

[PartlyHuman]

Disclaimer: I have somewhat milder case of bpd according to my psychiatrist so not sure my advice will help.
Fighting this urge directly didn't work for me at all. It was always stronger and I felt annoying and increasingly more pathetic every time it inevitably won. So, I accepted its existence like yeah I don't have enough of myself and I will inevitably check if there's a message. You can, however, try to create some workarounds.
It was somewhat easier on me because my (ex) bf is autistic so his messages always followed some kind of schedule. I knew his schedule (like, when he is at home, when he works and when he usually has his lunch) so I separated it into zones in my mind and knew when I can expect a fast reply and when I can't. I also made it clear to him that when he deviates from his usual pattern too much (like not writing in the morning at all) it does in fact make me feel bad. Since he prefers to follow routine too it was a fairly easy rule for us to establish.
With time I got used to chatting in specific time frames. During more busy parts of the day I tried to work on my own plans. Of course, I still checked phone regularly but at least I wasn't in a hatiko mode. I could only do it because my relationships were really stable at the time and I knew for sure that when scheduled time comes there will be a message. If didn't come it was a panic mode once again.
When I was more desperate I usually also tried changed my settings so the only notifications I got were from my bf messages so I could be sure that if there wasn't a notification, then there's no message. I also tried to keep my scrolling addiction in check so no message meant I can't touch the phone at all until I finish something on my list and have a break.
With time and patience it got somewhat easier. My life still mostly resolved around him and I never managed to be "me oriented" until I got disappointed in relationships altogether and stopped having any but even with regularly checking for these messages I managed to get something in my own life done too and it was better than a futile fighting against myself so I settled on it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

@SaturnReturn I'm not sure I'd call it a "worth check", although I do have zero sense of self and in that way do rely on him to "be me" (which is ironic as hell because i decided on the break due to absolutely nothing in common). It feels like a mixture of loneliness and yearning (he's my fp). I don't have anyone to talk to but talking to anyone else just feels like a distraction from him. Like I'm just looking for something in general but am pulled towards him whether I want it or not.
As for getting lost in things I like, it hasn't worked. I cant even do the basics let alone other things. I don't sleep, over put off showers so Ill be here when he messages,even though I know he wont. I do have a xmas project I'm working on (not that its important but I'm making a cute little street out of cardboard and cottonballs (plus other things) because I don't have/cant afford the little villages but want one).
And notifications, I've gone past just turning off my notifs. I've made it so I had to download an app (discord, fb messanger) and I still obsessively like an addiction can't let it go. I don't care how much work it is, I'll check. Even going as far as installing and uninstalling the app repeatedly in a battle of let it go but cant.

See why I said normal advice doesn't help?

I really like your advice on being easier on myself... I never am...


@PartlyHuman much like you I know the busy times. I can look at the time and without talking to him I can tell you what he's most likely doing. He wakes up around... Gets home from work at... Is busy doing his thing because it's past.... And even during down times I can't get off my a$$. 'he's sleeping and not waking up for 8hrs, stop checking' 'hes at work and won't even be home until 3, why are you checking at 1130?' but I keep pressing the power button, then I don't trust the notif system so 'i should open the app and check just in case'.
And I've tried not touching until 'this episode is over' or until 'i do at least 1 thing'. i can't even finish a 3min song without having the horrible urge to check.


While I'm still looking for a personal answer (or maybe just a different perspective of the above), your comments at least helped the conversation and helped me put a few more words into the problem I'm having so I want to thank you for helping in a way. :)
(which is another problem I'm having... 2 people (including my bf) said they feel like they can't do anything right... I just sometimes forget to mention the good because I'm looking at so many problems..)

 

[CaringShrimp]

Even though I'm not capable of giving you advice on how to handle this difficult situation (I suffered through it because I did not find a solution) , I can tell you that you are not alone with this problem and I wish you all the love in the world ♡ Dealing with bpd is incredibly hard and I can't imagine the pain you must be going through.

 

[Regen]

For me only contact to other people help. I had a very good friend. In the worse times I lived with her for a few days. She knew from all my problems and so she helped me doing other things together. I was with her in her life, going with her to her own university, was with her to repair the car, she helped me like a mother her little child. But it was difficult. Sometimes I dont called my Ex and sometimes I met him. It was an on and off for many years. Maybe my best friend saved my life with being with me in this very worse times.

 

[Walilamdzii]

I'm not diagnosed with this, but I fit a lot of the symptom criteria and for the past two years I've been struggling with daily intrusive thoughts... to the extent that I can't form relationships, or talk about anything else and it drives everyone around me insane. People simply do not understand this kind of intrusive rumination. I actually think I'm going to have to write a book based on this or something, to stop it from going round and round and round my head.

 

[Willie714]

To start off with where bpd has extreme emotions/attachment problems/ect advice from someone with bpd would be highly appreciated as the normal "find distractions" advice does nothing due to the intrusive thoughts. It bugs and it nags and I can't not do it.

My bf and I are taking a bit of a break. I need to be more me oriented. I need to think about me, not him. He can go anywhere from 30secs - an hour to message me back meanwhile I'm checking for his messages even during times I know for a fact I'm not going to get one.
How do I stop this? I want to be able to go hours and not care, instead I'm checking every few seconds (literally).

My wife left me after 27 yrs, but we are still in communication, in fact she would still initiate sex, tell me she loves me, have me act like her husband at concerts, gatherings, etc... which is NOT how you separate.
So it goes from hot to ice cold,all I want is a text back saying "I miss you" or "we are done,I was wrong, go start healing"

I still love her, toxicity and all.
So, every time I pick up my phone and feel it vibrate to let me know I have a message and it's not her or it's sour as hell...

I just crumble, forget my positive outlook and get high,which is becoming worse.
It's drugs,crying, anxiety.

I feel your pain, I'm deeply sorry.