Venting Obsessing over SN and SI

[BleedingHeart]

Im annoyed with myself.
I can't stop looking into SN and it seems as soon as I get "comfortable" thinking I have a plan at least for the schedule of meds and SN, I seem to find another conflict with meds or can't get ahold of a med. I spend hours and hours on here trying to figure things out. I'm even obsessing with finding a digital measuring spoon for measuring grams and fearing a damn spoon being delivered because my husband will be like wtf we need this for (if he sees it). Its pretty exhausting when you're already stressed out. Not to mention fearing SI since just buying the supplies makes me zone out, then start shaking. (And that was just buying generic Tagamet!) How the hell am I supposed to measure and pour eventually when I'm already shaking and haven't even ordered SN yet? Ughhhh so hard. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Roger]

Why can't you just get a simple digital kitchen scale ? Every kitchen needs one of those, no need to explain why you are getting one.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Take a deep breath and go over your options again. It's going to be okay, regardless of what your CTB method is.

 

[BleedingHeart]

I

Why can't you just get a simple digital kitchen scale ? Every kitchen needs one of those, no need to explain why you are getting one.

I want to be able to take something small with me wherever I got to CTB (hotel probably). My husband is very perceptive and caught me the other week looking up items to buy in relation to CTB so I'm afraid he will know what's up considering I have done nothing house related really lately because he knows I'm depressed and suicidal. I'm trying my best to act normal but it's not easy. I'm afraid anything I purchase will look suspicious because I haven't bought or done much house related for awhile now and it's been hard to find what I'm looking for "IN"-store.

Take a deep breath and go over your options again. It's going to be okay, regardless of what your CTB method is.

Thanks. I already have a lot of anxiety and focusing solely on CTB lately is the only things that self soothes me so to speak but then also right after makes me even more anxious. I don't know how I'm going to pull all this off. SN seems like the only thing I intellectually could pull off and even that I feel I will be panicking and also over complicating. I'm trying to make my ocd work for me in my planning to be organized but I still don't feel in control. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[Roger]

I
I want to be able to take something small with me wherever I got to CTB (hotel probably).

I bought a new one yesterday, having broken my previous one. It is about 200mm x 200mm and only about 15mm deep. Smaller than a normal sized book. My local store only had a brushed stainless steel one, so I had to pay a bit more, GBP15. The all-plastic version would have been half that.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Thanks. I already have a lot of anxiety and focusing solely on CTB lately is the only things that self soothes me so to speak but then also right after makes me even more anxious. I don't know how I'm going to pull all this off. SN seems like the only thing I intellectually could pull off and even that I feel I will be panicking and also over complicating. I'm trying to make my ocd work for me in my planning to be organized but I still don't feel in control. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I mean.... you are looking to put an end to your existence, and that's a very big deal. It's normal to feel nervous or uneasy about it. And I understand that not everyone here is going to be super relieved knowing that it's all going to end soon. I've had it coming, and as soon as I am gone, the world will be a better place. I have chosen to spend my final moments here so that I could at least do *some* good before I go. It will never make up for all the mistakes I've made, but there's nothing worse than making the members here feel even more crap than they did before.

 

[BleedingHeart]

I mean.... you are looking to put an end to your existence, and that's a very big deal. It's normal to feel nervous or uneasy about it. And I understand that not everyone here is going to be super relieved knowing that it's all going to end soon. I've had it coming, and as soon as I am gone, the world will be a better place. I have chosen to spend my final moments here so that I could at least do *some* good before I go. It will never make up for all the mistakes I've made, but there's nothing worse than making the members here feel even more crap than they did before.

I feel like I have it coming too. :( and because of MH on top of everything else.
I feel selfish for NOT doing it and being anxious wanting to when I know my family thinks it would actually be selfish/ hurtful if I DO and they think I can just "move forward" on certain things and change. I don't feel that way though. Still doesn't make it easy to do like you said. (Im new here too, so I still feel weird typing and wanting to be supportive back to people in this forum who are being kind to me, but I am paranoid and fear anything said in support could be used against me before I CTB.) everything feels hard and my mind is paranoid at every turn it seems. I can't wait to go but I hope my SI will cooperate when time arrives.

 

[CrushedHopes]

If done properly, SN has a low failure rate. You don't have to worry about SI. Just make sure you don't vomit by taking antiemetics. Not sure if you've read the comprehensive guide or not, but in case you haven't, here you go.

The most important aspect is to ensure nobody is going to interfere by calling 911, because SN poisoning is easily reversible.

 

[BleedingHeart]

I'm having trouble getting antiemetics. I'm paranoid to order them online and my anxiety keeps me from asking the docs (plus they share info with my psychiatrist i believe since months ago I signed a paper for that- not sure if they did or not). I myself haven't been able to source meto online here in US and Domperidone has to come through customs and I'm so paranoid I'll have cops at my door and not be able to lie. I've read just about everything I could get my hands on here in regards to SN and the comprehensive thread did help a lot but again, I ended up having conflicts with meds or they aren't available to me. :(
Mostly I'm probably just paranoid. My hands shake so bad I'm afraid of spilling the stuff and not even having to care about SI. Ughhhh this just makes me hate myself more for being this way and taking up everyone's time in my threads.
I think the only one I have to worry about calling for help would be myself and yet I want to keep my phone near me in case people text and I need to stall for time and pretend all is well. Hell, I'm worried I'll end up running down the hotel halls freaking out. I don't even have the SN yet; Breathe...

 

[Lethe]

Meto isn't available online here in US

This is false, it's available on Ebay under the brand name Primperan. From what I can tell, the seller usually sells them ~10 units at a time. So if you can't find them at the moment, it means he's sold out and will restock in a few days(?)

 

[BleedingHeart]

This is false, it's available on Ebay under the brand name Primperan. From what I can tell, the seller usually sells them ~10 units at a time. So if you can't find them at the moment, it means he's sold out and will restock in a few days(?)

Sorry, not trying to spread false info; I'm new here. I edited it a bit for my own situation. I keep checking daily through eBay under primperan and haven't seen it again yet (only saw it first day I came here and was still hemming and hawing and researching SN as my method.) even so, if I get the guts to order it, I worry so much about it arriving without me getting into trouble with cops or something. I just have a lot of fears and don't want to get into trouble or not be able to CTB. This is first time I've really looked into trying to CTB and I'm worried about not getting what I need and then also worried if I do get what I need and what could happen. Sorry if I sound lame but it is what it is. And my mental faculties have taken a nose dive in the last 3 months.
I so wish we could all easily have our out if and when we wanted.

 

[Lethe]

Sorry, not trying to spread false info; I'm new here. I edited it a bit for my own situation. I keep checking daily through eBay under primperan and haven't seen it again yet (only saw it first day I came here and was still hemming and hawing and researching SN as my method.) even so, if I get the guts to order it, I worry so much about it arriving without me getting into trouble with cops or something. I just have a lot of fears and don't want to get into trouble or not be able to CTB. This is first time I've really looked into trying to CTB and I'm worried about not getting what I need and then also worried if I do get what I need and what could happen. Sorry if I sound lame but it is what it is. And my mental faculties have taken a nose dive in the last 3 months.
I so wish we could all easily have our out if and when we wanted.

There's another supplier, ADC. I've received Meto from them as well (though I'm sort of skeptical that they might just be sugar pills, idk...). It's sort of a dodgy Indian site. As far as legal problems, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Sorry, not trying to spread false info; I'm new here. I edited it a bit for my own situation. I keep checking daily through eBay under primperan and haven't seen it again yet (only saw it first day I came here and was still hemming and hawing and researching SN as my method.) even so, if I get the guts to order it, I worry so much about it arriving without me getting into trouble with cops or something. I just have a lot of fears and don't want to get into trouble or not be able to CTB. This is first time I've really looked into trying to CTB and I'm worried about not getting what I need and then also worried if I do get what I need and what could happen. Sorry if I sound lame but it is what it is. And my mental faculties have taken a nose dive in the last 3 months.
I so wish we could all easily have our out if and when we wanted.

Medication isn't illegal. All the materials for the SN method are 100% legal.

 

[BleedingHeart]

Medication isn't illegal. All the materials for the SN method are 100% legal.

@CrushedHopes From what I've read ordering medications online (where I live) is illegal without prescription which is where my panic comes from.
@Lethe I'm not worried about legal problems if I successfully CTB obviously, but I'm worried if it gets intercepted or I get questioned. But maybe it's less of a deal than I'm making it considering the particular meds, idk.

 

[CrushedHopes]

What country do you live in, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[BleedingHeart]

@Lethe if you don't mind my asking, how long did it take for you to get the meto from ADC? I do remember seeing those the other day with a different name added on their site. I need to be stalking the mail if I order from there so my husband doesn't pickup mail when I'm maybe out one day, so I'm curious how long it might take to arrive.

What country do you live in, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm in the US

 

[Lethe]

@Lethe if you don't mind my asking, how long did it take for you to get the meto from ADC? I do remember seeing those the other day with a different name added on their site. I need to be stalking the mail if I order from there so my husband doesn't pickup mail when I'm maybe out one day, so I'm curious how long it might take to arrive.

I'm in the US

It was fairly long, about a month.